And now the pendulum is swinging back in the direction of ... staying celibate.
Tried and true formula for meeting a whole lot of needs, for four years and four months now.
Keeps me centered. Keeps me free. Keeps my heart open to everyone.
It's a practice that seems like a keeper. ;-)
Note to aspiring seducers: The window of seduction is a precious window of vulnerability, when a woman's heart is open. When you see that window open, it's time to man up and lead her to you. If you miss that window, and the girl is me, she'll be gone.
Feminine energy needs a safe space in which to play. When I don't feel that safe space (which I get from transparency, attention, appreciation, affection, and so forth), my heart tends to shut down a little bit. Ironically, the more I like a guy, the more vulnerable I feel, which makes it even more challenging to keep my heart open. That's why I said to you guys to be transparent and not to make a girl guess.
Or to boil down to the essence: I got scared and pulled back. In my ideal world, I wouldn't get scared anymore about anything. But I still do sometimes. That's ok, it's just where I'm at right now.
Although ... I'm also a big believer in redemption and do-overs. A guy emailed me a week ago or so and asked whether I'd be willing to start all over again with him. And I said of course, I *love* do-overs. :-) We are in a time of growing consciousness, people are changing fast, and I believe relationships can be recreated in amazing ways.
Ok, Ottimista here I come.....
Postscript about my evening at Ottimista. I was out with a guy, and I was blown away once again by the power of honesty.
Me: You know, I am celibate, but if I ever have sex again, I really don't want to use a condom. It feels so impersonal. It's like shaking hands with a rubber glove on. It's like saying yes I want to be super intimate with you but let me put this barrier between us.
Him: We don't have to use a condom. I don't mind if you get pregnant with me. I'll have a baby with you.