Yep, that's me. For all this training in energy healing, non-violent communication, and everything else, I still can get ambushed and completely blindsided by the pain-body (as Tolle calls it). It doesn't happen very often anymore, but when it does, wow is it sometimes a doozy.
How I Got Ambushed By My Ego
Last night was clearly orchestrated by the Universe ("all things are lessons God would have me learn"). I wasn't even supposed to be where I was. I had plans with a girlfriend to be in a different part of the City, and my friend uncharacteristically bailed. Whenever that happens now, I always wonder what the Universe is up to because it nearly always means I'm going to end up somewhere unexpected and meaningful -- just like I did over Thanksgiving break. Sure enough, another dear friend invited me to a party.
And it was at the party that this situation arose last night. I was not expecting to see this person on this night, and when I did, I felt so startled. I thought this person was hundreds of miles away, so it felt surreal -- almost like I was seeing a ghost. The ego came over me fast and furious, like a big wave crashing on my head. "This person was dishonest with me." That was the thought, and then dozens of other thoughts cascaded on top of it. I didn't go entirely unconscious, not like I would have a few years ago. The conscious awareness was partially there the whole time. But I let myself leap to conclusions without even checking to see if I had the right facts.
The Return of Consciousness (and Sense of Humor)
Midway through the whole emotional reaction, conscious awareness returned for the most part, and I suddenly realized that my own karmic patterns were interlocking with his karmic patterns. I was falling right into some of the "stories" that he had told me, and he was falling into some of my "stories." At that point, I actually started laughing. Cuz that ego is so damn clever. I got played, but it wasn't by this guy, it was by the ego.
It's easy to know when the ego has played me by how fast the whole emotional snowball takes shape. And then later I look back and see I was in the realm of judgment rather than the realm of observation. Pure observation would have seen a minor miscommunication rather than dishonesty.
"You will attack what does not satisfy, and thus you will not see you made it up. You always fight illusions. For the truth behind them is so lovely and so still in loving gentleness, were you aware of it you would forget defensiveness entirely, and rush to its embrace." - ACIM
Staying in Emotional Intimacy Despite the Ego's Efforts to Disrupt
Now I just want so much to be able to stay in the connection, stay in the emotional intimacy long enough, that he and I can rewrite some of these karmic patterns. The longing to stay in connection is so powerful in me nowadays. But wow is it still scary. When you have such strong energy with someone, and you're in a hormonal whirlpool anyway ... sometimes it's hard for me to even lift my head up and look. Sometimes I just want to run and hide.
The ego doesn't want us to have real intimacy. Its whole goal is to keep us separate and apart. That's why it's so important to keep on forgiving, no matter what anyone else seems to do. Just keep right on giving them second chances, cuz every one of us can get ambushed by the ego at times.
After supporting me through part of my emotional aftermath this morning (sadness about letting myself get ambushed by the ego), a mutual friend sent me a priceless text message:
"I am relieved to know that you can be human just like me :)"
Yes, my friend, all too human, all too often.
Having Compassion for Myself
This is one of those times when it's important to remember that everything I've said before about things like Compassion and a No Worries Mindset apply just as much to oneself as it does to everyone else. I choose to have infinite patience with myself:
"There Can Be No Case Against A Child of God."
"The ego speaks in judgment, and the Holy Spirit reverses its decision, much as a higher court has the power to reverse a lower court's decisions in this world. The ego's decisions are always wrong, because they are based on the error they were made to uphold. ... Being afraid, you do not appeal to the higher court because you believe its judgment would also be against you. ...
"Every loveless thought must be undone, a word the ego cannot even understand. ...
"You need not fear the higher court will condemn you. It will merely dismiss the case against you. There can be no case against a child of God, and every witness to guilt in God's creations is bearing false witness to God himself. Appeal everything you believe gladly to God's own higher court, because it speaks for him and therefore speaks truly. It will dismiss the case against you, however carefully you have built it up. The case may be fool-proof, but it is not God-proof. The Holy Spirit will not hear it, because he can only witness truly. His verdict will always be 'thine is the Kingdom,' because he was given to you to remind you of what you are. ...
"Your patience with your brother is your patience with yourself. Is not a child of God worth patience? ...
"Now you must learn that only infinite patience produces immediate effects. This is the way in which time is exchanged for eternity. Infinite patience calls upon infinite love, and by producing results now it renders time unnecessary."
- A Course in Miracles