First off, on the theme of "ask and it is given," I'm very excited that since posting yesterday about my desire to coach guys, I've had two blog readers offer to refer clients to me for coaching. Hooray! If anyone else out there is so inclined, please email me at email@example.com.
Now ... on to our topic of the day.
Since starting this blog back in September, I have received a LOT of emails and commentary from people (blog readers and friends) who are worried that the seduction community is all about "taking advantage" of women, preying on their insecurities, etc. That it's shallow and deceptive and on and on. Is there a "dark side" of the community? Yes, there is, just like there is a dark side of just about every profession or hobby. It's called the ego, and it can show up anywhere in our lives. Although this topic could span many blog posts, I want to take up just one piece of the puzzle today: what I see as two styles of seduction.
The first style is fear-based. Fear is always of the ego. An example of fear-based seduction is the "neg." Here I don't mean playful teasing. I mean the sharp comment that is designed to lower a woman's self-esteem so that she will feel less good about herself and see the man as more attractive by comparison. This style of seduction goes way beyond negs though. It encompasses things like trying to keep a woman off balance by making comments intended to get her to question her own judgment, feelings, and so forth. If the woman has hesitations or doubts, the guy takes this personally and calls her "needy" or some other criticism. It would also cover "freeze outs" (where if the woman doesn't have sex with the guy right away, he withdraws affection from her). The idea behind this style of seduction is that if the woman is always feeling a little insecure, then she will have sex with the guy (or do other things) in order to win back his approval. Blech! I find this style of seduction to be revolting!!
The second style is love-based. Fear is entirely absent. It doesn't matter if the two people have sex and never talk again or if they end up being life-long soulmates. It is always based on natural attraction and aligned intentions (i.e., if it's a one-night stand, then both people are happy with that outcome -- Entropy called them "same night loves"). If the girl feels hesitation about having sex, the guy doesn't invalidate that with a freeze-out. He stays with her energy until she gets past her hesitation. Maybe he even gives her MORE affection. And maybe he cares less whether they actually have sex because they are both just enjoying being together. It is not outcome driven. There tends to be a lot less drama and no game-playing, and both people can simply immerse in the divine pleasure of intimacy and connection. Ideally, the two people are supporting each other, appreciating each other, adoring each other. Afterwards, they both feel uplifted.
Sinn, you asked on your blog "how do you leave her better than you found her?" My answer is that you always employ a love-based model and make sure that the intentions of the two people are matched.
I count some of my "almost sex" experiences with guys as highlights of my life, and many of them have led to incredible friendships. Why? Because we were both honest about our intentions (including, from my side, that I'm not interested in having sex with a guy unless we are moving toward a deeper, more committed -- though not necessarily monogamous -- relationship). When I stay within my own integrity that way, I don't end up feeling resentment or second thoughts about the experience. I keep all my good feelings about myself and the guy. So this is a matter of honest, open communication about intentions. There are plenty of women out there who are fine with having same night loves and so forth, and if they are acting in their integrity, more power to them. At least for now, that is not what feels good to me, and I *always* pay attention to how I feel.
Of course, the Higher Powers are so clever that they will turn even the "negative" experiences into gifts for us, if we let them, but why learn through pain? For me, a successful seduction is one where both people continue to have good feelings about each other, indefinitely, regardless of the form the relationship takes after sex.