One of my readers, SMoKeLioN, submitted a comment on the Dare to Feel blog entry. He had asked me how I "go out of my way to get a guy." To which I responded that I don't "go out of my way to get a guy." I flirt and connect, and things develop organically.
Then SMoKeLioN clarified what he was asking with this comment:
What I meant by that is I'd like to read about you yourself either opening or baiting him into opening. And then making it known to him that he's able to proceed through the doors you've opened for him without fear ... you know, making sure he is still leading and the man, even though you might be pulling some of the strings to help things along. The girls that can do that... those are the girls that have game.
Thanks for a great question, my friend. And thanks for being one of the few people who recognizes that girls need "game" just as much as guys do. Now, to answer your question ...
First of all, I left behind all forms of manipulation eons ago, so the whole "baiting him into opening" is not in my repertoire. Once upon a time, I used to think "if I do this, then he will do that." But think about it: there's no presence in thinking like that. It's all about some future outcome. Being present means "I have no idea why, but I feel like doing this or saying this right now. So that's what I'm going to do or say RIGHT NOW." Without regard to how the other person is going to respond.
Next point. This is related to the last point. The answer to all of this, the answer to every guru and every e-book and every master DVD series that any guru has ever issued is one word: INTUITION. Unfortunately, most men and women who seek dating advice get buried in information overload and mind chatter. And mind chatter is the one and the ONLY thing that will actually prevent men and women from being able to hear their intuition. Thus, in short, DISASTER.
Third point. How do I "make it known to him that he's able to proceed through the doors you've opened for him without fear." I face and erase my own fears. If I see fear in someone else, I recognize it as the mirror that it is, and I address it within myself. Some gurus poo poo inner game, but ALL game is inner game. "Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world." The more fear I dissolve within myself, the more people move toward me.
Fourth point. As for him leading, yes, he tends to lead the initial seduction and he tends to lead in the sexual arena. Later, as the relationship develops, it tends to get more blurry. We are walking a path together, and the way it stays alive is when there is a really balanced give and take. I still like it when a guy leads, but I don't want to be too rigid about that as the relationship develops. Even more important than leadership, as the relationship develops, is presence. Attentiveness. Connection.
Fifth point. Back to intuition. I stay grounded in my feelings. When going out, I tend to get myself in a very playful mood. I love verbal repartee with guys. It turns me on. A lot of the skills that PUAs learn are equally applicable by girls. Playful reframes and high octane flirting. Sincere interest in other people. None of this is really possible until the mind chatter has been cleared out. People with mind chatter are not present because their "inner committee" is pulling them in 50 different directions, most of which are not here and now.
Sixth point. Radical authenticity. Gurus teach a myriad of techniques for injecting life into relationships. The easiest one is to be daringly honest. Instant excitement in your relationship just by challenging yourself each day to be a little more honest about how you feel, about what you like and don't like, about what you want, without making it "about" the other person.
And finally ... back to:
Intuition, intuition, intuition. There is a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do, in every moment. It knows how to flirt and how to attract and how to have deep, beautiful relationships. Because it is tapped into the Divine Intelligence, it requires no planning. The past disappears, the future disappears. Everything is reduced to this moment. Whatever flirtation is going on becomes the only thing going on. And its sole purpose becomes enjoyment of the moment, come what may.
So how does a girl keep a guy around? By forgetting that she cares about keeping him around. By moving evermore into the present moment and her feelings and her intuition.
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6 comments:
I'm not sure what game you have as a girl. I guess end game for a girl would be 'keeping a man'. And long term relationships as we all know must be worked at.
But this post doesn't really address any issue's other than developing inner game. Having a strong inner game does not keep men around. When women have a strong inner game, they develop a strong persona. Ugh, I'm running a rant. Anyways, your 2nd to last paragraph said 'intuition' repeatedly. It's not really advice at all, people who follow intuition either end up in the 50% divorce bracket, or in the 50% still married bracket.
And if you stimply dont CARE about keeping the guy around, then eventually he wont be around. Because he wasn't really attractive to you to begin with. I actually feel sorry for you, because you you will miss out on one of the greatest experiences of life. What it means to miss someone.
Thanks for the response, I'll try and dissect it.
Saying that baiting him into opening is manipulation... you could then say that any form of communication is manipulation. Even if it is, is manipulation of one's environment necessarily bad/evil? Id say no.
Baiting into opening for example is like, wearing a low cut top and standing at the bar with your girlfriend while locked in facing the main area. That way guys can easily come up to you and talk to you both situationally and directly. That would be the exact opposite of sitting with your girlfriends in a booth near the corner of the bar.
Baiting into opening could even be wearing a flashy scarf, or just dancing right near the guy, or bumping into him, or whatever. Girls do it all the time. Nothing wrong with it. Guys like attention too.
Maybe by manipulation you really mean deceptive-manipulation. Id agree that deceptive-manipulation is shit.
You talk about INTUITION a lot. Intuitions must be honed through experience, yes. What we're really talking about (mostly) is social intuition. Sure your potential there is dependant on your genetics (some people are just...well, socially retarded), but its definitely a skill that anyone can further develop.
I dont know why you mention gurus or so called masters with regards to intuition. You cant teach someone experience. People have to get it on their own. But then again, you cant sell someone your own experiences, so thats sort of where the shit hits the fan.
You mention "mind chatter" stifling people's game... By this I think you mean self-doubt or over-analysis. Basically not being in the moment, which I guess is one of your things. But id agree for the most part, even though there are more than a few ways around this and the limiting beliefs associated with it. I myself, for example, just try my best to put my ego aside and not give a fuck.
Your 3rd point that all game is inner game... I totally disagree. Raise your hand if you read the game, read the VAH, and then ran the shit on girls all the way to the bedroom. [ raises hand ]
For my first half year I had skillset + lifestyle, but really not a whole lot else.
"Intuition, intuition, intuition. There is a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do, in every moment. It knows how to flirt and how to attract and how to have deep, beautiful relationships. Because it is tapped into the Divine Intelligence, it requires no planning. The past disappears, the future disappears. Everything is reduced to this moment. Whatever flirtation is going on becomes the only thing going on. And its sole purpose becomes enjoyment of the moment, come what may."
Seems like more eckhart tolle here. From what I can tell, your approach to guys is to stay in the moment and just roll with it. Is that really how you successfully game guys?
A lot of guys have their way of gaming girls, but is it a good way of doing it, like, are they getting results?
************* Im going to press on... When was the last time you saw a guy you were attracted and interested in while you were both sober, and then you got the ball rolling? ******************
Like as an example, this could be in a coffee shop where you got a coffee and sat right besides the guy and said "hi", and then told him about how excited you were for your new dress, and how you're all out of batteries and your roomates arent home.
"So how does a girl keep a guy around? By forgetting that she cares about keeping him around. By moving evermore into the present moment and her feelings and her intuition. "
This is so vague and airy. I havent done the vip-dancer interviews, but I'm sure if you talked to high end strippers they'd be able to give a good and practical way that they keep men coming back for more. Im also guessing they could provide some concrete routines and tactics that they use to bring home the cash money.
Hey Erika,
You seem like an enlightened woman and I'd like you to give me a little advice.
Ok, I went on a date with a beautiful woman a couple of weeks ago. We got on great. Six or so hours just flew by. We've been too busy to see eachother for a while but we manage to set a date. Something comes up and I have to cancel. I don't recieve her texts until much later. The first is a re-arranging, the second a more nonchalant "but if your not that bothered it doesn't matter" and a third "if your too busy thats no problem". I feel that's a little insecure of her but I say I only just recieved the texts and try and start a normal convo but she's clearly off with me. I was in a terrible mood so I left it at that.
I feel like it would be a shame if we didn't get together and meet up again, but a part of me also says it's pretty weird she reacted the way she did and that she may be emotionally unstable and bad for me anyway...but then she seemed so great in person. It's confusing. Dead she say "it's no problem if your not bothered " to prevent the ego bruise of my flake? Because she doesn't want to hang out with me? Or to prompt me to take the lead and demand her out? Or to find out how much I cared about her?
I feel like it's a bit of the insecurity and a bit like she wants to know I care. Which scares me cause it's only the second date and I'm a total player, so if she cares that much already it's probably best I leave it now.
I mean, if it was the other way round, and it was the guy that sent those three texts to the girl, the girl would think the guy is a bit of a needy creep - it'd be like the movie Swingers when Mike makes that serious of terrible telephone calls to the girls machine. Or is it different for girls?
Hi Erika,
I think your points about how to keep a guy are a little too ambitious. I would like to see another title... like... how to stay in connection over time authentically or something more congruent to the time line we're talking about here of your path.
Then, as a woman, it sounds dreamy what you are sharing! So dreamy and so easy... but it isn't an overnight recipe and I wouldn't say the soul searching you did was quick or always easy.
You are presenting some aspects of being that have taken you years to realize... just remember that when inviting us on the journey...
I respect SLion comments on the basis that I personally hear them as comments from the front line of the war between women and men... the unfortunate war, that is...
Women do seduce differently than men... they hang out their sex vibe and wait for takers... it's common behavior... a woman illuminates her desire for attention with exposing her body in ways that are often not super congruent with her deeper needs and wants... self sacrifice sometimes and sometimes, simple raw lust urges to find someone who'll play her like a 7 string.
Then, and here's a POWERFUL POINT TO MEN:: when women are simply being themselves and dancing or laughing or being womanly without trying to do anything more than that, it's super attractive! Same goes for men... and it's an art to let go of all your agendas and simply be present in public with other people... and a worthy art... and the one that I love you sharing because I notice that after so many twists and turns in life, I find myself feeling a little crunchy in public... and I remember when I accessed my total presence and sometimes I find myself there again... no bouncing off of anyone's game... just purely me being me.
Finding my own feminine is my own path to enlightenment and truth in advertising. Finding my own security to be my own feminine in the Bay Area is on par with raising the dead, don't you think? It's a miracle! To stand in the center of what I am and represent that, regardless of the temptations another woman offers up to a man who I am deeply bonded with. So much beauty and so much feminine presence and so much diversity and so many sexual flavors, so many flavors of ice cream... finding a centered, focused, relaxed place in it all is hard core inner work!
When a man has deep appreciation for what a woman carries inside of her as her source of power, not just hypnotized to her boobs and ass, and he has a matching sense of center, focus and relaxation... wow! The quality of light, beauty, depth, seeing the other ((is that attraction?)) is what I would call breath takingly sexy!
Still, what we are playing with out there is our own and other people's doubt and trauma... and their ability to identify with who they are as a being not bound by their traumas/conditioning... to the player guy... just because you relate to it in one moment when the person is more present, does not mean you won't see evidence of it eventually.
I love the direction these posts are going... just remember, keep it simple, small steps... you are talking about the Zen of forgetting that you care about keeping a guy around! lol :)(:
When you read advice like this, I believe it is useful to return to the original meanings of words.
Manipulate – to skillfully handle
Intuit – to have an immediate awareness
Manipulation – skillful or dexterous treatment
Intuition – a way of noticing directly
Manipulation – from the Latin manipulus, meaning “of the hands” or “to hold.”
Intuition – from the Latin intuition, meaning “a look” or “to look at.”
When you take the stigma off of these words, you see that they are just two ways of using our senses to interpret the world around us. Sight and touch. Visual and kinesthetic.
Manipulation is not thinking “if I do this, he will do that” it is merely handling a situation skillfully. Intuition is not “a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do” it is merely getting an immediate awareness based on looking at a situation.
Now, imagine looking at a person and getting an immediate awareness of how to skillfully handle that person. You see this person and you have a perceptive insight of how to expertly lead her to an adventure you know she wants to have. You see her and your immediate cognition tells you how to dexterously maneuver the situation and “help things along.”
You see, intuition and manipulation are both forms of knowledge. And, as such, they are both LEARNED, and they both take PRACTICE. All game is NOT inner game. To skillfully handle a situation takes practice. And to cultivate immediate awareness of a situation takes practice. You have to gain experience and LEARN how to notice directly (intuitive knowledge) and skillfully influence (manipulative knowledge).
We all have trained our manipulation to some degree, and we all have refined our intuition to some degree. It is safe to say that most women have practiced cultivating intuition more than men. And it is safe to say that most men (especially in the community) have practiced cultivating manipulation, aka skillfully handling social situations, more than women.
This does not mean men and women are really much different. And it certainly doesn’t mean that there is a “battle” between the sexes. Most important to realizes is that these learned behaviors are COMPLIMENTARY.
I’ll tell you what I like. I like when I meet a woman who has honed her intuition to such a degree that she’ll take one look at me and say to herself, “now there is a guy who can skillfully bring me the exact emotional sensations and physical thrills that I desire and deserve.” She immediately knows I have the experience that allows me to lead her to radical pleasure and deep satisfaction. In turn, I might think, “now there’s a woman perceptive enough to notice a guy who can really rock her world.” I know she will appreciate my skill and will not get intimidated by a man who knows what he is doing.
And the mutually satisfying and reciprocal nature of intuition and manipulation does not stop there. Consider her skillful presentation (baiting) that allowed my perception of her and an immediate intuition that led to approaching, connecting, touching, etc. Intuition (immediate awareness) and manipulation (skillful handling) always play with one another.
This is called FLIRTATION.
There is only a battle between the sexes if you believe there is one. I don’t.
GoneSavage
Hey Erika … when you’re talking about intuition that comes from divine intelligence, wouldn’t you say that it’s not so much social intuition - honed through many interactions - that you mean … as much as it is a transrational intuition?
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