All right, some time ago, a reader who will go unnamed (but has been known to post on here as "Quick") suggested that I publish a list of seduction "do nots." I resisted the idea for quite a while, and I still don't have a full list, but here's one:
1. Don't Use "You Statements"
They will fuck you up.
This is something I have noticed over the past few months. There are a few guys where we had tons of chemistry at first and then things quickly spiraled into intractable conflict to the point where it was no longer even worth continuing the connection. Just today I noticed the commonality among those guys: they had a habit of using "you statements."
What do I mean by "you statements"? Here are some examples:
1. If YOU had not criticized me, I would not have yelled at you.
2. You used me.
3. You insulted me.
4. You are the type of person who _____.
5. You are needy. You are a nutcase. You are insensitive.
6. You will wake up one day and realize I was right.
You get the idea ;-)
That last one is a double whammy cuz it combines a "you statement" with right/wrong thinking.
People, this is VIOLENT communication. And it will fuck you up. It will in most cases trigger defensiveness and reactivity in the other person. It will tend to push people away in a big way. So:
Use “I” statements. Probably the easiest way to communicate compassionately is to use “I” statements. These statements begin with the word “I” and they express something about our own view, not something about the other person. For example “I am finding it hard to believe what you are saying” is quite different than saying “You are lying!”
Ah, but wait a minute ... Note that it is no better to say "I feel used," "I feel offended," "I feel hurt" because it implies that SOMEONE used, offended, or hurt you. Which is impossible.
"You statements" give our power away. If someone else has the power to hurt, use, or offend us, then ... we are powerless.
But if we realize that what people do and our emotional response to it are two separate things, and that we have complete power over our own emotional response ... then we have taken our power back.
That doesn't mean we don't call people out when they are meeting their needs at the expense of other people's needs. It does mean that we are able to step back emotionally and observe and empathize instead of getting mired in non-constructive conflict.
It means we have space between a stimulus in our environment and how we respond to that stimulus. It's a much more relaxed and empowered way of being. And it's absolutely essential for top-notch seduction. There is NOTHING sexier than a man or woman who takes responsibility for his or her emotional responses to things.
This is one of the fundamental basics of rock-solid inner game.