More blog vision boarding. I was pondering this morning how, in my ideal relationship, we would address situations where there seems to be a conflict between what he wants and what she wants.
This could be in the arena of "small" things, such as where he wants to go to a concert and she wants to stay home. Or it could be in the arena of "big" things, such as where one partner would like to have children sooner than the other, and the other partner is worried about not having as much freedom as he/she would like.
I personally like to keep the overall frame of "if we stay connected and really listen to each other, there is always some way for all needs to be met in this situation."
I'm intrigued by the idea of rating the intensity of each person's desire to do a particular thing, such as, "this is my favorite band, and they never go on tour, it's a 9 for me to go to this concert." That person might also say, "and it's a 7 for you to come with me to the concert, because I really want to share this music with you." And then, the other person, whose desire to stay home may be only at a 5, might realize that the sharing of the experience is more important to her than staying home, so her 5 might drop to 1, and her desire to the concert might go from 0 to 7.
Mostly, I'm curious how you all address situations like these in your relationships, how you stay connected even when it seems like there is an apparent conflict, especially about big things.
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The math gets more complicated when you factor in that she loses respect & attraction for the guy when he listens to her too much.
I realize that such things would never happen in your ideal relationship. But they do happen here on Earth.
In my opinion the so called big things can really make or break a relationship. If someone has a "strong idendtification" like whatever, having at least 2 children, his values can have more pull than the relationship itself. Especially women seem to have this one, whereas some men could do good without children.
The big things should be taken care of before marriage (if you have to marry anyway). Money, children, big values etc come to my mind for example.
You know, unless you have a high capacity for understanding, compassion and love, these identifications will be stronger and have more potential to ruin the relationship.
In the heart it shouldn't matter that much if you have children or not, you're happy anyway, it's just play. If you want to play this way go for it, if you're interested in other things fine too.
When lower consciousness people do not get their needs met they get straight into fear and pride. For them life is scary anyway and if you haven't mastered yourself, you are normally not ready for a relationship. At least not a happy and successful one.
The functioning of the relationship itself is then dependent on one's ability to be forgiving and understanding.
Lol, Anonymous, good point :-)
That said, it doesn't really work not to listen to her at all, either ;-)
You will have to live dangerously. You will have to move towards the unknown, and you will have to love persons and not things. You will have to be ready not to possess anybody, because the moment you possess the person is not there. Only a thing can be possessed. OSHO
When you look through the eyes of logic, you will know a few things, but those few things will not give you the vision of reality. They will be only abstractions.
When you look through love, then you know the reality as it is. Love is falling with the universe, together; falling in a togetherness. It is orgasmic: you are streaming, and the existence has always been streaming, and both streamings meet and mingle and are infused in each other. A higher synthesis arises: the part is meeting in the whole and the whole is meeting in the part. Then something arises which is more than the part and the whole together -- that's what love is. 'Love' is one of the most significant words in human languages, because love is existential language.
But somehow, from the very childhood, we are being crippled. Our roots with the heart are cut. We are forced towards the head and we are not allowed to move towards the heart. It is something humanity has suffered for long, a calamity -- that man has not yet become capable of living with love.
There are reasons.
Love is risky. To love is to move into danger -- because you cannot control it, it is not safe. It is not within your hands. It is unpredictable: where it will lead nobody knows. Whether it will lead anywhere, that too nobody knows. One is moving into utter darkness but roots grow only in darkness. If the roots of a tree become afraid of darkness and don't move underground, the tree will die. They have to move into darkness. They have to find their way towards the deepest layers of the earth where they can find sources of water, nourishment.
The heart is the darkest part of your being. It is like a dark night. It is your very womb, it is your earth.
So people are afraid to move into darkness; they would like to remain in light. At least you can see where you are and what is going to happen. You are safe, secure. When you move in love, you cannot calculate the possibilities, you cannot calculate the results. You cannot be result-oriented. For love, future does not exist, only the present exists. You can be in this moment but you cannot think anything about the next moment. No planning is possible in love.
The society, civilization, culture, church, all force a small child to be more logical. They try to focus his energies in the head. Once the energies are focused in the head, it becomes very difficult to fall towards the heart. In fact, every child is born with great love energy. The child is born out of love energy.
we teach logic. These seem to be measures for survival. We teach fear, we teach caution, we teach prudence, and all these together kill the possibility of love.
If you love a woman, you are immediately ready to reduce her to being your wife, that is, you are ready to reduce her to a certain role: the role of a wife -- which is more predictable than the reality of a beloved. If you love a man you are ready to possess him like a thing. You would like him to be your husband, because a lover is more liquid; one never knows....
A husband seems to be more solid. At least the law is there, the court is there, the police is there, the state government is there to give a certain solidity to the husband. A lover seems to be like a dream: not so substantial. Immediately people fall in love, they are ready to get married -- such fear of love! And whomsoever we love, we start trying to control. That's the conflict that goes on between wives and husbands, mothers and sons, brothers and sisters, friends -- who is going to possess whom? That means: who is going to define whom, who is going to reduce-whom to a thing? Who will be the master and who will be the slave?
Remember, the first calamity is that one becomes head-oriented. The second calamity is that one starts substituting love needs with things. Then you are lost, lost in the desert land. Then you will never reach to the ocean. Then you will simply dissipate and evaporate. Then your whole life will be a sheer wastage.
The moment you become aware that this is what is happening, turn the tide: make all efforts to again contact the heart. Make contact with the heart again to undo that which has been done to you by the society. Undoing that which has been done by the society is true religion, undoing all nonsense that has been done by your well-wishers. They may be thinking that they are helping you, and they may not be knowingly destroying you; they may themselves be victims of their parents and their society. I'm not saying anything against them. Great compassion is needed for them.
The head has become so dominant that it does not allow any spontaneity. It has become dictatorial. It does not allow the heart even to utter a single word; it has forced the heart to be completely quiet. You will have to listen again to the heart. You will have to start dropping logic a little. You will have to take a few risks.
You will have to live dangerously. You will have to move towards the unknown, and you will have to love persons and not things. You will have to be ready not to possess anybody, because the moment you possess the person is not there. Only a thing can be possessed.
Try to understand it as deeply as possible: the moment you fall in love with somebody, immediately your whole conditioning starts trying to possess him. Resist that temptation; the devil is tempting you -- the devil of the society, the devil of civilization and the church. The devil stands in a very religious garb, and the devil goes on quoting scriptures. Beware!
Whenever you start possessing you are killing love. So either you can possess the person or you can love the person; both together are not possible.
The ego goes on agreeing for wrong things, because the ego can exist only with the wrong. It feeds on the wrong. So whenever you feel that your ego is fulfilled, beware! -- you have eaten something wrong, you have swallowed something wrong. Whenever you feel egoless, relax -- now you have eaten the right, something which is in tune with your nature.
Ego arises out of disturbance, but ego has its own logic. It goes on saying that you are important, that you are the most important man in the world, and you have to prove it. And we are all trying to do this one way or the other -- somebody by possessing more money, somebody by possessing a beautiful woman, somebody by possessing prestige, power, somebody by becoming a president or a premier, somebody by becoming an artist, a poet, somebody by becoming a MAHATMA -- but we are all trying in some way or other to prove our innermost fantasy, that we are the most important person in the world.
Then you cannot be a lover.
OSHO
Love Answers Prayers,
Prayers of Love & Right Action for All Who Love,
~Gayla
Hi Erika,
Referring to what you have spoken about getting to know your yes and your NO in one area: it is a learning to get to know myself, to know what is guidance I have directly from God about anything I do... and what is an energy, thought, agreement, contract, to do something other than what is Divinely guided.
To follow this guidance without question takes practice and the willingness to listen and surrender only to one's highest good... NO relating takes front seat to that... when I have allowed it to... = disaster... suffering... your question serves to remind me where the priority must always be... any commitment to another is based solely on sharing this journey... when that is well understood... I imagine my relating with God will be ecstatic... my partnering a reflection of that inner surrender... however, NEVER PERFECT!... It will mean, no more bending love by way of distorted confusion, hunger, want, suffering or black magic... love, only love... and the emptiness silence, listening brings.
Love,
~Gayla
I don't think I've ever had a guy listen to me so much that I lost respect and attraction for him. If anything, him listening to me intensifies the attraction and goes a long way towards getting me to fall for him.
Now, if he wanted me to make the decisions on absolutely everything, like he was a little boy and I was Mommy, then I would definitely lose respect...
How you describe the different/potentially opposing desires, I agree completely. Things are either important enough to break up over or not important - enough that you are willing to compromise with the other person. If you go by those two categories, then it becomes pretty clear when compromise is called for (most of the time).
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