I'm feeling amused this morning by the comments I have received over on the 21 Convention website about my speech (you can see the page by going here). I feel especially surprised and entertained by the fact that "I would definitely bang her" has actually become a compliment that I enjoy. Clearly I have been hanging out in this community for too long!
Anyway, I've been getting a lot of great feedback about the speech, which feels great. For those who are interested in my coaching, I encourage you to watch the speech because it gives a very solid introduction to my coaching philosophy.
Daria and I had some pretty intense conversations over the PUA Summit weekend about Rori Raye's blog. I really enjoyed hearing Daria's perspective because it is different from my own. For purposes of this article, please note that these are my interpretations of Rori's work (which I admire very much and often recommend to women). One thing I learned from my conversation with Daria is that we had very different interpretations of the same teachings on Rori's blog, so I don't want to be putting words in anyone's mouth here. These are my impressions, thoughts, and feelings, not to be attributed to anyone else.
One of my frustrations on the blog is my sense that there is not a lot of room for anything but "feeling messages." (For the uninitiated, a feeling message is a way of communicating that involves expressing one's feelings without making it "about" the other person or people involved in the situation.) I love feeling messages, and I do find them transformative for relationships when used on a regular basis.
My coaching work, however, involves transforming both thoughts and feelings. Although feelings are incredibly important, so are thoughts. When thoughts are left out of the picture, I believe we are losing a very important tool for transforming our lives.
Rori has been posting some Notes from the Universe from Tom Dooley (who was in the movie The Secret, which was about the Law of Attraction). Now, Tom Dooley recognizes the importance of thoughts because one of his mottos is "Thoughts become things."
A Course in Miracles also takes about the importance of thoughts. "There are no idle thoughts. All thinking becomes form at some level."
Now let's take the Sirens on Rori's blog. Let's say there is a Siren on there who keeps having the same frustrating experience with men over and over again (whether it's a man cheating on her or not being chivalrous on dates, etc.).
There are many different ways we can approach this problem. Feeling messages are one really powerful way, and that's what I hear Rori teaching most of the time. The woman in the situation can start expressing herself to men in a way that men are likely to be able to hear her ("I don't want to drive across town to see you. I feel flustered when a man asks me to do that."). And so forth.
When I coach women in these situations, I'm definitely going to recommend Rori's work, non-violent communication, and feeling messages.
But I'm also going to do something else. I'm going to help the woman change her beliefs about herself and about men. This is working on the level of thoughts in addition to feelings.
Let's say the problem is that she keeps meeting men who are not chivalrous. In this situation, we'll have both feelings and thoughts.
Feelings might be "I feel frustrated, inadequate, powerless to inspire men to give to me." Etc.
But lurking behind those feelings are thoughts. Thoughts might include: "I don't deserve to receive from men, men are stingy and selfish, I don't have what it takes to inspire men." Etc.
And lurking below those thoughts are usually memories that gave rise to beliefs. "Dad wasn't chivalrous with Mom. My parents taught me that I had to work hard for any money I received. My parents taught that there are no differences between men and women, we are supposed to be equal and the same." Etc.
During an Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping) session, we are going to be working with ALL of those levels. Yes, we are going to release the negative feelings, because feelings of frustration and impatience and anger are often blocking us from creating what we want in our life.
But we are also going to let go of the negative beliefs about self and others, and replace them with positive affirmations. (Affirmations are FAR more effective when implanted in an EFT/tapping session than they are just using them the regular way.)
For example, we might say:
"Even though I feel so frustrated
because men have never been chivalrous with me,
my dad wasn't chivalrous with my mom,
and I'm not sure I deserve chivalry from men,
I feel like I'm taking something away from them,
I love and accept myself completely."
"Even though I don't want to let go of this belief.
This is my comfort zone, I don't feel safe letting this go,
I choose to let this belief go anyway,
I choose to be open to the possibility that men start being chivalrous with me
And so forth.
By working on the levels of feelings, thoughts, AND memories, simultaneously, we are able to create fast and dramatic transformation in your love life. I have seen so many miracles after sessions like this. In the above example, after a powerful EFT session, men will start showing up differently in the woman's life. They will start being chivalrous without her even having to ask. It will just happen.
Then she can feel relaxed receiving from men.
This is how we change people's lives, one belief at a time.
(my coaching page is here)