Here's a theme I've been noticing the past few days. I trace this pattern back to my dad. It's a bit of programming that I'm ready to let go of, so you can be sure I'll be applying Emotional Freedom Technique to it over the next few days.
Back in May, at Hristiyan's workshop, we talked about the importance of men being able to say a clear "yes" and a clear "no."
This requires CONGRUENCE, which I talked a lot about in my speech at the 21 Convention.
This is a bit of a sore subject for me right now, as I'm realizing a lot of my trust issues with men come from my dad, and he and I are in some intense communications about this right now. I'm applying EFT so that I can "delete" this negative programming from my life, as it is a theme that has interfered with countless relationships, including with Entropy and Burning Man Guy.
How can a woman trust a man who doesn't keep his word?
And how can a man keep his word if he is afraid of conflict?
This is the pattern I see men get into: They want to "please" everyone, and particularly women. So they say "yes" to things that they haven't fully thought through. Maybe in the moment, it feels good to promise to help with a project, or to promise monogamy or a commitment of some kind, but they are not really being honest with themselves or the women in their lives about whether they can keep that promise. Then, when the time comes to follow through on their promises, they don't.
And then, because they feel guilty for not keeping their promises, they produce a slew of excuses and rationalizations.
Is there any faster way to destroy trust than not keeping one's word?
I don't think so.
Oh no, wait a minute, there is one faster way to destroy trust: to pretend after the fact that you didn't make the promise that you both know you made. Wow, ouch. As a woman, when a man does that, it feels a bit like the world is unraveling. It fucking sucks.
We would so much prefer that you don't make the promise in the first place if you're not going to keep it.
Good relationships are founded on trust. Trust comes from honesty and congruence.
This means checking in with ourselves in every moment and being brutally honest with ourselves. Am I making this promise now because I don't want to deal with conflict and am trying to please everyone? Am I making it to get something short term from this woman (such as getting her to have sex with me), but am not going to be able to keep the promise later? Or am I in my full integrity here, knowing what I want and what I'll be able and willing to do?
Clear yes or clear no.
And if for some reason, your yes or no doesn't feel clear, then for God's sakes, share your inner conflict with her.
"Sweetheart, part of me wants to promise you monogamy, but I'm feeling really torn right now because another part of me knows that I don't have a good track record for fidelity. I don't want to make a promise that I might not be able to keep."
Will this create a stir? Possibly. But at least then the inner conflict will be ventilated and possibly resolved.
At least then she won't feel betrayed later. She may not like hearing it, but she can trust a man who knows himself inside and out.