I know I did.
The search for the "special" relationship.
Now at the risk of offending all my readers who are in relationships, lol, I would like to talk about this openly.
I don't have all the answers. I'm in a space of "not knowing" about this issue.
But I'd like to start asking some questions.
There's a huge marketplace built around the idea of attracting and building a relationship with that one "special" person.
But where do we see that relationship in actual reality?
Now there may be exceptions, but for the most part what I see are:
(1) people unhappily pursuing the ideal of the special relationship, or
(2) people unhappily living within a special relationship.
I even see people pretending to be happily living within special relationships, but they don't sound very congruent. When I hear the details, my response is often, "wow that sounds pretty boring" or "wow, is that really all there is?" or "wow, I'd rather be single."
What if the whole premise is wrong?
That's what A Course in Miracles (ACIM) teaches.
It is in the special relationship, born of the hidden wish for special love from God, that the ego's hatred triumphs. For the special relationship is the renunciation of the Love of God, and the attempt to secure for the self the specialness that He denied. T-16.V.4. The Holy Spirit knows that completion lies first in union, and then in the extension of union. T-16.V.5. The special relationship is a strange and unnatural ego device for joining hell and Heaven, and making them indistinguishable. What better example could there be of the ego's maxim, "Seek but do not find"? T-16.V.6. This "self" seeks the relationship to make itself complete. Each partner tries to sacrifice the self he does not want for one he thinks he would prefer. T-16.V.7. Whoever seems to possess a special self is "loved" for what can be taken from him. T-16.V.8. The conviction of littleness lies in every special relationship, for only the deprived could value specialness. T-16.V.9. God must die so you can live. And it is this theme that is acted out in the special relationship. T-16.V.10.
Love is content, and not form of any kind. The special relationship is a ritual of form, aimed at raising the form to take the place of God at the expense of content. There is no meaning in the form, and there will never be. The special relationship must be recognized for what it is; a senseless ritual in which strength is extracted from the death of God, and invested in His killer as the sign that form has triumphed over content, and love has lost its meaning. Would you want this to be possible, even apart from its evident impossibility? T-16.V.12 See in the special relationship nothing more than a meaningless attempt to raise other gods before Him. In the name of your completion you do not want this. T-16.V.13. ...
The special relationship is a device for limiting your self to a body, and for limiting your perception of others to theirs. T-16.VI.4. When two individuals seek to become one, they are trying to decrease their magnitude. Each would deny his power, for the separate union excludes the universe. Far more is left outside than would be taken in, for God is left without and nothing taken in. T-16.VI.5. It is impossible to let the past go without relinquishing the special relationship. For the special relationship is an attempt to re-enact the past and change it; a way in which you seek to restore your wounded self-esteem. T-16.VII.1. In the holy instant it is understood that the past is gone, and the stillness and the peace of now enfold you in perfect gentleness. T-16.VII.6.
What if being tied down in a monogamous relationship is spiritually problematic because it denies our connection to the All that Is?
I'm not pretending to have the answers about this one. ACIM talks about another option (the holy relationship), but I'm not sure what that looks like. I feel confident it doesn't look like pain, suffering, and strife, however. I feel confident that it does not involve separation or exclusion.
I feel much closer to joy and truth when I'm dating a lot of guys than when I narrow my interest down to one. Am I the only woman who feels that way, deep down? I doubt it.