You really want women to move closer to you, super super super close?
I'm at an unfair advantage in this department because of the kind of coaching I do. I don't give very much advice, because advice generally doesn't work. Instead, I move into my clients' own experience and help them transform it from the inside.
Well, that, my friends, is intimacy.
It's not telling someone what to do. It's becoming part of their experience. That's what empathy really means.
The number one intimacy destroyer is judgment.
Empathy is the antithesis of judgment.
So what does this mean in practical terms?
I've talked before about giving a woman a safe emotional space in which to surrender to you, sexually or otherwise.
To do that, you MUST start eliminating judgment words and thoughts out of your vocabulary.
Let's say a woman is angry.
What does a typical man do? He becomes defensive. Then, to protect himself, he labels the woman.
"You are so needy."
"You are so dramatic."
"You are unbalanced."
And so forth. Instantly he has created huge amounts of distance between himself and the woman. He's essentially saying that it's not okay for her to have the feelings she has.
What could he do instead? Well, what do I do when my clients have anger come up when we are working?
First, I feel it with them. "Oh yeah, I can feel a lot of rage right now, a lot of energy moving. Yeah. Oh yeah."
Second, I ask questions. "Okay, yeah, you're angry. What are the thoughts that go with that anger?"
Third, I follow the energy with them. "I feel the energy shifting now. You said the anger was a 9 intensity. What is it now? Now it's a six. Okay, is it still showing up in your chest, or has it moved?"
We can spend entire sessions following energy, in a near hypnotic state, with virtually no tension or distance between us because I have moved INTO their experience.
How I would love to see men start doing this sort of thing in relationships.
How different my response would be if, when I feel angry, instead of saying "you're so dramatic," a man would say:
"Ok, I hear that. What are the thoughts that go with the anger?"
Then I might say, "I want to tell you to fuck off."
And he could say: "Okay, I hear that. Is there any grief or fear behind the anger?"
Then I might say: "I'm terrified that this is never going to work out for me, that I'm going to end up investing in you and being disappointed."
And he could say: "Yeah I hear that. I can see why that thought would feel really scary. Where in your body are you feeling the emotions right now? Is it all fear now or also anger."
Then I might say: "It's still mostly anger, like lightening running up and down my center ribcage."
And he could say: "Okay, like lightening. I hear that you're really upset right now, and right now I just want to be with your anger. Let's both just be with it and see what happens to it next."
Then I might say: "Now it's moving. I feel so sad. I feel so scared this is never going to work out for me."
And maybe then he would just hold me and let me cry. And then we might end up making love. I could spend entire days lovemaking with a man doing nothing but noticing energy shifts. It sounds delightful :)
Why is the method I'm describing above so effective? It's not fighting against what I feel. It's not judging me or distancing him from me.
It's simply being present with me, recognizing that there's nothing wrong with having strong emotions, and that problems really only arise when we fight AGAINST the emotions. It's honoring my experience without making it "about" me or him.
Anyway, just realized this tonight, so I'm thinking out loud here ...