Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sex: the Electric Fence
Someone sent me a text message asking how I reconcile the last two posts (transmuting karma and tandem sarging).
Easy. Either it's the same guy for both, or it'll be tandem sarging with last minute resistance (LMR), my specialty. There's a lot to be said for cuddling and hanging out without doing the deed.
On that note, I have pretty much come back around to the view I had a year ago: I have accepted that sex and Erika simply do not mix.
For me, sex is kinda like an electric fence. Fascinating to look at, terrifying to touch. I feel like I get shocked every time I go too close.
I know exactly how to get myself out of this quagmire: be with a guy who realizes that when we have sex, I'm going to have a shock/trauma response, and who is willing to be present enough and stable enough to help me become desensitized to the stimulus.
Does such a man exist? He would be giving me the greatest gift of my life. I would also be giving him the greatest gift of his life. Among other things, my access to the subtle realms creates a whole new level of connection and intimacy that most people have never yet experienced.
But I do not know if there is any man out there who has the kind of emotional strength I am talking about. A man who has the presence and strength to help me transmute the electric fence into a veil and a whisper so we can walk through it to each other.
(And, yes, I realize that nothing outside myself will save me. I'm articulating my vision of the man I want to be with so that my inner self will have the clarity and awareness to match that vision.)
Speaking of which, I have been reflecting a lot on Gayla's concern about the statement "we are not responsible for each other's feelings." At one level, I do still believe this is a helpful statement. All of us are coming together with past karma that triggers feelings in us, and it's not helpful to feel guilty about someone else's feelings or blame someone for our own. But at another level, we are all responsible for everyone's feelings. Deep down, we know the kinds of things that are going to trigger pain for other people -- dishonesty, for example.
How rewarding it would be if all of us reached deeper inside ourselves to find ways to spread gentleness and help each other.
And as for a potential partner, you better believe I expect him to stay present with me and cherish my feelings until I feel better. If I'm in pain, I don't expect him to "fix" it, but I definitely expect compassion and his best efforts to give me what I want and need. Wouldn't he want the same from me? How else can we possibly have a solid and meaningful relationship?