Project Congruence - Turning Chodes into Men

On Sunday, I mentioned my new video project, Project Congruence, for the first time: I'm going to take three guys who have limiting beliefs about women and dating, and help those guys become congruent.

I've talked before on this blog about the importance of congruence. What is congruence? To me, it means two things:

1. Internal congruence: A person's internal beliefs are aligned with each other and harmonized.

So when I say to myself, "I am attractive," everything in me answers that as a "yes," whereas non-congruent people will have a bunch of tail-enders come up, that is, a bunch of "but no I'm not really attractive because _____" statements.

2. External congruence: A person says what he means and means what he says.

What the person is saying out loud matches up with what he thinks, feels, and believes inside of himself. This leads to a feeling of internal and external harmony. This is why, ironically, if a person is angry, it's much better to say out loud "I'm really pissed off right now" because the other person can feel the emotion anyway, and there is a lot of connection and emotional relief in having that emotional state said out loud.

I've talked about congruence (which can be felt, for example, in Hypnotica's presence) AND about incongruence (which can be felt, for example, when a guy has sexual intent toward a girl but papers it over with polite, boring conversation). It feels good to be around a congruent person because it feels harmonious. Mental chatter and self-doubt has been eliminated, so we move into a very relaxed state of "being" around congruent people.

Project Congruence -- Open to Applicants

My new video project, which I talked about in the last blog post, is going to help incongruent guys become congruent. I have received a bunch of responses from guys who are interested, but have not yet selected the three, so please write to me at erika.awakening@gmail.com if you would like to participate. I will also give free belief system makeovers to any guy (or girl, for that matter) who is able to help me with video filming, production, and editing.

PLEASE EMAIL ME NOW IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN PROJECT CONGRUENCE. This is going to be one of the quickest ways possible to change the results you are seeing and be well on your way to becoming a true Casanova.

Congruence in Relationships

Meanwhile, as long as I'm musing on this topic, it occurred to me this morning that relationships also need to be congruent to feel good. What does this mean? It means that two people's intentions about the relationship are aligned, but it actually means more than that. This is where the value of commitment comes in. Commitment to each other and commitment to a shared purpose.

Before commitment, it may feel like we are keeping all our options open, but in fact we are not really free to explore the depths with another person. After commitment, in a way, entire new horizons of co-creation open up to us because we are bringing our intention and life force into alignment with another person's intention and life force.

This is terrain that I'm very excited to explore, and as has happened in many areas of my life over the past few years, I realized recently that it's important for me as a woman to say no to what doesn't feel good (conflicting, unharmonized intentions) in order to leave space open to say yes to what I really want, which is fully committed co-creation with a life partner.

For example, when I see polyamorous relationships that actually work, what I see is partners who are deeply and permanently committed to each other. Ironically, it is the depth and strenght of their commitment to the one partner that creates the space and freedom for polyamory. If I know my guy is permanently committed to me through his congruent intention, then I feel safe giving him a much greater degree of freedom than if I am not certain of his commitment to me. It's one of those great paradoxes in life.

Anyhoo, I'm off now ...

EMAIL ME at erika.awakening@gmail.com if you'd like to participate in Project Congruence.

Who Wants to Eliminate Their Limiting Beliefs?

This weekend, I helped teach yet another bootcamp. After all I've seen and learned at these bootcamps, I've decided it's time to create some videos about eliminating limiting beliefs.

So ... here is a great opportunity for some of my readers. I intend to select three guys who have limiting beliefs about women, dating, and/or relationships. This really can be anything that is holding you back, whether it's a belief that you're not tall enough, not young enough, not wealthy enough, etc. It can also be that you had a bad break-up and have been having trouble getting over it, or you are "stuck" in some sort of dating or relationship rut and want to break through to the other side.

What I'll do is interview and survey you before and after we work together, and we'll work together on videotape to identify and break through your limiting beliefs and create new beliefs to take their place. Then I'll follow up with you a few weeks later to see how much your dating life has shifted and identify any further areas that need to be overhauled.

If you're interested in taking advantage of this one-time FREE opportunity to rewrite your belief system and start seeing greatly improved results with women, please email me with your geographical information (preference given to those who live in the San Francisco Bay Area or can travel here) and a detailed list of the sticking points you have with women and any beliefs that seem to be holding you back from living the dating life of your dreams.

Email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com and please include the following:

1. Your general results with women right now.
2. Your ideal results with women (where you'd like to be one year from now).
3. Your sticking points with women and dating.
4. Your limiting beliefs about women, dating, and relationships that you would like to change.
5. Why I should select you as one of the three guys who gets to be on the videos.

How a girl keeps a guy around Part II - a more satisfying answer

I want to add some more to yesterday's answers about how to keep a guy around. Most of what I've written on this blog so far is advice for guys, or directed at inner game. Although much of it applies equally to girls, I'm still finding ways to articulate my own experience and knowledge in a way that other people will find helpful.

One of the commenters found the "intuition" answer a little unsatisfying, so let's say this:

Attraction is not something you do, it's something you are or become.

Here's the paradox. Attraction is of the heart. It is the natural magnetism of one heart for another heart. The very moment that a girl (or guy) starts thinking about what is going to be attractive to another person, she has moved out of her heart and into her head, and has disconnected from the very source of attraction itself, which is love.

This is why I focus on inner game. We are not adding tricks and gimmicks. We are stripping away layers of mind chatter and nonsense so that our inner essence of femininity will naturally shine through. We are not wearing sexy clothes and standing in strategic locations to attract attention. We wear clothes that feel good. We sit in places that feel good. We clean up our belief system about men so that men can FEEL that we love and adore them.

Honestly, I have way more guys randomly walking up to talk to me now that I don't focus on it at all than I did a few years ago when I was focused on meeting a guy.

Now, if you are an outside observer, here are some of the qualities that a girl is going to have if she does the inner game work I talk about on this blog. But again, if I "try" to do these things in order to attract a man, they won't work. These are qualities that come about naturally when a woman is in tune with her intuition:

Unpredictability/sense of adventure: Following rules and decorum is very predictable and ... BORING. When following intuition, a girl is never going to be predictable. Thus, she is more interesting and challenging.

Radical authenticity: This is a key part of congruence. When a girl is willing to say things out loud that most people are too scared to say, she becomes more attractive. Guys love honesty, especially when it has a tiny bit of an edge to it.

Positive beliefs about men: I love guys, and that is obvious to everyone around me. Our belief systems are telegraphed to other people. Probably the absolute most important thing a woman can do is clean up her belief system as it relates to men.

Clear sense of what she wants and doesn't want: A woman who is acting from presence is deeply in touch with her own feelings. Thus, for example, if she's on a date and the guy wants to go "Dutch" (which happens to be one of my own pet peeves), she will immediately register this at the level of feelings and speak up. A lack of chivalry kills romantic attraction for me, pretty much immediately and completely. For example (this goes back to radical authenticity), I might say: "I don't mind paying for myself, but chivalry in dating is really important to me, so that will mean this is purely platonic for me." (Note I make it all about me, and not about him. It's still his choice to do what he wants, I'm just letting him know how that is going to affect my choices.)

Another example is sex. A woman who is acting from presence knows what she wants and doesn't want. For example, I have zero interest in casual sex. I have zero interest in having sex with a guy who is not committed to me. Guys find it way more attractive that I speak up about this and don't just "go along with things" so as "not to make waves."

Eye contact and smiling: The intention behind an action is more important than the action itself. Eye contact and smiling are a perfect example of this. When I make eye contact with a guy, it's not to "manipulate" him into coming to talk to me. But I do make eye contact with lots of people, men and women, everywhere I go, as a way of feeling connected with my world. And if I know a guy, then I make eye contact and smile as a way of refreshing that connection. So at the superconference, I saw a lot of guys that I had met before. Making eye contact and smiling feels like a very natural way of saying, non-verbally, "oh hello, it's good to see you again."

Passionate life purpose: Having something other than men that fires the girl up. The best way to connect at a deep level with guys, in my experience, is to share a passion with them. For me, for example, the seduction arts is a huge passion. So I naturally connect with guys who share that passion.

Sincere interest in other people: This can't really be faked, so it's related to "passionate life purpose." When a girl is deeply interested in what the guy is talking about, she can vibe with him for a long time and the energy will never drain out of the conversation. It's more challenging when talking with people where a shared passion is not immediately identified, or where the other people are so out of touch with their own aliveness that they don't even know what their passions are (sometimes referred to as "the walking dead"). But those aren't guys I'm going to be interested in dating anyway. In those situations, I do as much as I can to help the other person get in touch with some aspect of their own passion.

Femininity: The willingness to be a woman. To be soft and warm. To wear soft, flowing clothes. Skirts and long hair and lipstick and perfume. To let a guy pay for dinner and make plans.

Receptivity/openness/inviting vibe: The willingness to let a guy's energy come toward her, whether that's in the form of touch or romantic interest or flirtation, etc. A lot of women have tons of defenses without even realizing it, and men bounce right off them. A woman who has cleaned up her belief system about men has a natural curiosity and openness.

Playfulness/laughter: This comes naturally once the belief system has been cleaned up. The willingness to play and laugh with men is incredibly important. This generates chemistry and shared bonding experiences.

Internally validated: The woman's self-esteem is not dependent on what the guy says or does. Period.

Observing ego: When I get upset, it's never the guy's fault. It's important that women learn how to communicate negative feelings in a non-accusatory way. As a relationship deepens, this may in fact be the MOST important quality of all that a girl can have.

For all of this, nothing is more important than the belief system. Cleaning up a person's belief system is going to be a big part of my upcoming e-book.

How a girl keeps a guy around - response to SMoKeLioN

One of my readers, SMoKeLioN, submitted a comment on the Dare to Feel blog entry. He had asked me how I "go out of my way to get a guy." To which I responded that I don't "go out of my way to get a guy." I flirt and connect, and things develop organically.

Then SMoKeLioN clarified what he was asking with this comment:

What I meant by that is I'd like to read about you yourself either opening or baiting him into opening. And then making it known to him that he's able to proceed through the doors you've opened for him without fear ... you know, making sure he is still leading and the man, even though you might be pulling some of the strings to help things along. The girls that can do that... those are the girls that have game.

Thanks for a great question, my friend. And thanks for being one of the few people who recognizes that girls need "game" just as much as guys do. Now, to answer your question ...

First of all, I left behind all forms of manipulation eons ago, so the whole "baiting him into opening" is not in my repertoire. Once upon a time, I used to think "if I do this, then he will do that." But think about it: there's no presence in thinking like that. It's all about some future outcome. Being present means "I have no idea why, but I feel like doing this or saying this right now. So that's what I'm going to do or say RIGHT NOW." Without regard to how the other person is going to respond.

Next point. This is related to the last point. The answer to all of this, the answer to every guru and every e-book and every master DVD series that any guru has ever issued is one word: INTUITION. Unfortunately, most men and women who seek dating advice get buried in information overload and mind chatter. And mind chatter is the one and the ONLY thing that will actually prevent men and women from being able to hear their intuition. Thus, in short, DISASTER.

Third point. How do I "make it known to him that he's able to proceed through the doors you've opened for him without fear." I face and erase my own fears. If I see fear in someone else, I recognize it as the mirror that it is, and I address it within myself. Some gurus poo poo inner game, but ALL game is inner game. "Seek not to change the world, but choose to change your mind about the world." The more fear I dissolve within myself, the more people move toward me.

Fourth point. As for him leading, yes, he tends to lead the initial seduction and he tends to lead in the sexual arena. Later, as the relationship develops, it tends to get more blurry. We are walking a path together, and the way it stays alive is when there is a really balanced give and take. I still like it when a guy leads, but I don't want to be too rigid about that as the relationship develops. Even more important than leadership, as the relationship develops, is presence. Attentiveness. Connection.

Fifth point. Back to intuition. I stay grounded in my feelings. When going out, I tend to get myself in a very playful mood. I love verbal repartee with guys. It turns me on. A lot of the skills that PUAs learn are equally applicable by girls. Playful reframes and high octane flirting. Sincere interest in other people. None of this is really possible until the mind chatter has been cleared out. People with mind chatter are not present because their "inner committee" is pulling them in 50 different directions, most of which are not here and now.

Sixth point. Radical authenticity. Gurus teach a myriad of techniques for injecting life into relationships. The easiest one is to be daringly honest. Instant excitement in your relationship just by challenging yourself each day to be a little more honest about how you feel, about what you like and don't like, about what you want, without making it "about" the other person.

And finally ... back to:

Intuition, intuition, intuition. There is a voice inside each one of us that always knows exactly what to say and exactly what to do, in every moment. It knows how to flirt and how to attract and how to have deep, beautiful relationships. Because it is tapped into the Divine Intelligence, it requires no planning. The past disappears, the future disappears. Everything is reduced to this moment. Whatever flirtation is going on becomes the only thing going on. And its sole purpose becomes enjoyment of the moment, come what may.

So how does a girl keep a guy around? By forgetting that she cares about keeping him around. By moving evermore into the present moment and her feelings and her intuition.

What I'm happy about on Tuesday morning

1. My blog traffic more than doubled overnight. Yes, we hit an all-time high yesterday ... thank you all so much for your support, and please subscribe to this blog, follow this blog (buttons in the right-hand sidebar), and tell your friends about it.

2. My mind has been officially trained to reframe. So I'm already finding all the good things about the "bad" thing that happened yesterday, and I feel happy again, almost as if it had never happened. Yes, I can help you train your mind to do the same thing. And, yes, it will help you have better relationships with the opposite sex.

Dare to Feel

Today a personally upsetting event happened in my life.

I covered pretty much every emotion during the course of the day. From bliss this morning to shock and amazement, doubt and disbelief, gritty determination, and then deep sadness. Wave after wave of deep sadness and mourning. Hope. Despair. A few "what ifs" and "if onlys." But mostly just raw emotions.

A girl is blessed in these moments if she has someone like Entropy in her life because she can express herself very honestly in the moment, and he just stays with the connection. He even got me laughing again, making some crack about how he has a superhero magic powers ring, but he only wears it for "peacocking" purposes ... lol :)

So then I was alternating between laughing and crying and laughing ... and even physical pain. Deep physical pain in the very core of my being.

And I'm still sad. Not ten minutes ago I was crying again. ...

But you know what? I'm alive. I'm sad, but it's nobody's fault. I don't need to turn my sadness against myself or anyone else. I can feel, I'm alive, and I feel blessed just to be able to feel ... even if things didn't turn out the way I was hoping.

There are so many people out there who are so scared to feel. They have a moment of discomfort or anxiety, and it feels so uncomfortable that they rush to cover it up with a judgment, or an attack, or some form of busyness or numbing. They "act cool" or take drugs or find any way at all to run away from the feelings instead of feeling them. They go up in their heads and churn around trying to find a solution to the "problem" or some way to change the outcome. Churn churn churn.

But guess what? The feelings don't go away, they just go underground. Where they feed the unintegrated shadow self.

One of the most liberating things that happened to me over the past few years, especially with all the energy healing that I did, is that my emotions came to the surface. They used to be pushed down and stagnant. That's what depression is, by the way -- people carrying around emotions that never got expressed, that are stuck, held frozen in the body until they are finally liberated.

Now my emotions are like little storms that pass through and disappear. I feel them more deeply and thoroughly but they don't get stuck anymore, and it's extremely rare that I feel any urge to lash out at anyone. I can be deeply sad one moment and full-on laughing through the tears in the next moment. And underneath there is a strong sense of "everything is going to be ok" despite how I'm feeling right now.

What else are people scared to feel? Love, for one. Ah, the huge sigh of relief when we start loving everyone unconditionally. I no longer have to decide whether I'm going to love so-and-so when he is acting like a jerk-off. It's not a decision anymore, it's "of course." I'm going to love him no matter what he does and even if he never talks to me again. Because it simply feels better to love. It doesn't mean I won't feel angry or put out from time to time, but the love part is no longer negotiable. It just is.

People think it's hard to love. It's not. It's the easiest thing in the world. It is relaxing. It's a relief. Anger is a strain. Hate is a strain. Jealousy is a strain. Feel those emotions when they arise, sure, but let those negative charges pass right on through. Why would anyone actively hold on to hate? Why would anyone generate more energy behind conflict?

Step back. Hold a space open for the energy between two people to transform. It's ok to say, "I'm really sad" or "I'm feeling mildly pissed off" or "What you're saying to me right now doesn't feel very inspiring."

And then not rush to solutions. Let the feeling just BE there.

It's easy to love. It feels good to love.

It feels good to feel.

Dare to feel.

First Report from the Epic Seduction Conference

I'm back home in San Francisco now from the epic Seduction Conference. It was a really fun weekend ... although for me it felt a little more subdued than past trips to Vegas and LA. This is because of things going on in my life (some big announcements are likely in the next few months) and not because of the event itself. Formhandle from Fast Seduction runs a great conference.

First off, I want to express appreciation to the gurus who showed up despite some tragedies of people close to them (for Cameron's poignant account, see here). It shows a real dedication both to their friends and to the students who attended the conference, and I'm sending out hugs and good vibes to them.

A few speakers cancelled, but that did not affect the overall quality of the speakers or the conference because Jay was able to line up equally amazing speakers to take their places.

Some highlights of the weekend for me:

* Zan was there, and I just love Zan. We got to hang out a lot of the weekend. Among other things, he showed us a film that a French woman made about him -- it took her five days to shoot, is only four minutes long, won some fancy shmancy art award ... and is incredibly sexy and artsy. Watching that film has me very inspired ... perhaps someday it'll be available for viewing by the general public.

* I made up with one of the gurus who had been upset with me. We ended up sharing a big hug before he left. This makes me really happy because I like to be on peaceful terms with people I care about. He gave a great program, too, and even got a girl in the audience all riled up and giggling.

* Another unexpected surprise was that Tyler Durden (otherwise known as Owen) from RSD ended up being one of the speakers, too. Owen used me as his "example girl" during his presentation, which I enjoyed a lot. And Zan and I and a bunch of other guys went out to dinner with him afterwards at California Pizza Kitchen on Saturday night. Really fun :-)

* A film crew interviewed me for a documentary about the seduction community. I'm still trying to find out more details about it, and will let you all know when I do. They interviewed a lot of people from the conference, and my guess is that it'll end up being a very interesting film.

* Cameron Teone's accent is absolutely adorable. And I love his fierce devotion to his friends, which is palpable just being around him.

* Will H. was there, and I just love that guy. He's like a big teddy bear and he's just so open and affectionate. It always feels good being around him.

* Brad P. actually remembered me from the Vegas conference. That surprised me!

* I got to meet the famous (or infamous, as the case may be) Cliff from Cliff's List. He is a real sweetheart.

* It was really fascinating to see the reactions of the only other women in the room for the conference, one mother and three women who worked for the hotel and were helping with the microphones. The reactions ranged from sincere interest and enthusiasm (by a girl Hypnotica brought on stage) to abject horror. It's so interesting to me to see how two people can be exposed to the exact same stimulus and have two utterly different reactions.

* I met Stephen Nash for the first time and really resonated with what he had to say, the most important part of which was "you must make something other than women the number one priority in your life."

* We went to a party in the Hollywood Hills on Friday night, and I got to hear some great music in their upstairs studio, where I was lounging on the couch. Turns out this is the studio for American Voodoo Records.

* After having dinner with Owen on Saturday night, a group of us went to another party in Manhattan Beach. Wow, I love those adorable little bungalows with the wild gardens. There was karaoke in the basement, lots of fun people, and a good time was had by all. I met a really cool guy, and we quickly got into deep conversation about polyamory and open relationships. We were really vibing. About 30 minutes in, he turns to me and says, "Why am I not meeting a girl like you here?!" Lol :-) What can I say? I'm a rare breed.

* I was interviewed for the Barry Kirkey show ... yikes! The only problem was that the questions were so hilarious that I couldn't stop laughing long enough to answer them. I was asked, for example, whether I aspire to be the "best PUA groupie." OMG ... Lol!

I'm probably going to write some follow-up reports and maybe give some highlights of the gurus' presentations. Let me know if there's anything in particular you all would like to hear more about.

Meanwhile, there will be fun reports coming up on Mehow's 10SSA program and Entropy's bootcamp in San Francisco this weekend.

To Douche or Not to Douche: Love Note to S

Here's a provocative topic for you all: to douche or not to douche?

What do I mean by "douching"? Well, for those who are not initiated into seduction community dynamics, "douching" is the practice of criticizing, making fun of, and generally ragging on other people in the community.

A little while back, a prominent member of the community heard about something that happened at one of the community events and encouraged me to "douche" the guy out. Said member of the community told me that this would increase my blog traffic.

My response: no thanks.

Why? For so many reasons.

Because, as Gandhi said, "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

Because it's terrible karma that will always come back to you.

Because my feelings of discomfort are not about the other person. They are about me.

Because I don't believe in judgment and criticism. I believe in love.

Because when I'm tempted to judge or criticize someone else, I usually realize pretty quickly that it's actually a signal of either some internal issue that I need to take responsibility for and dissolve or of an issue between that person and me that we need to have a conversation about to vent feelings and reach mutual understanding.

Because I believe in communication and finding solutions that work for everybody.

So you won't find me "douching people out" on this blog. I don't have energy for hate. I only have energy for love. And I invite other people in the seduction community to join me in spreading love and understanding rather than judgment.

Dear S, I would have much preferred a direct and mutually respectful conversation and a healthy dose of benefit of the doubt.

Thanks for listening.

***********************

p.s. My flight to LA tonight was delayed, but stay tuned for news from the Epic Seduction Conference. Love to everyone.

Epic Seduction Conference This Weekend

Yep, I packed my bag. Tomorrow night it's off to Los Angeles again to hang out with the Masters of Seduction at the Fast Seduction Superconference. Apparently the conference is going to be packed to the rafters, so I can't wait to see what happens .... a couple guys are officially mad at me, so there might be a little bit of drama, but what is a superconference without a little drama? :-)

I still need to fill you in on Mehow's conference, too.

And before I nod off to sleep here ... let me just add that, when you turn things over to the Universe, I mean really turn them over, as in forget you ever had a plan or an agenda or even a notion of what should happen ... it is absolutely amazing what can and will happen. Too early to talk about this one yet though. A little suspense never hurt anyone ;-)

Love you all.

DJ Fuji is Coming to San Francisco Next Week

Hey everyone,

So for those (especially my San Francisco Bay Area readers) who have become curious about the seduction community, here is a fun opportunity.

I met DJ Fuji on the Los Angeles trip, which you can read about HERE. He will be speaking next week at Fort Mason. You can read more about DJ Fuji and about the event, which is sponsored by the SF Lair, HERE.

Fuji was a guy whose (one) ex-girlfriend said a few years ago she felt bad for him because "he looks good on paper, but I don't think he'll ever be able to find another girl." Ouch!!!

Anyway, clearly Fuji has turned all that around in a big way because when we went out on the town during our time in Los Angeles, girls were opening HIM :-) And whereas he used to attend pickup seminars, now he is on the stage with guys who once were his instructors.

I always feel inspired when I see a guy (or a girl, for that matter) turn their life around in a big way. Go figure, my favorite movies tend to be stuff like Seabiscuit and The Legend of Bagger Vance ... (both of which are must-sees, btw, but I digress)

So here's the date, time, and venue information:

Date:
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
6:00 PM - 9:30 PM (PT)

Location:
Fort Mason
Room C-230
San Francisco, CA 94101

http://djfuji.eventbrite.com/

Oh, and DJ Fuji (a/k/a Seabiscuit ;-) is a very organized and interesting teacher (I've seen him speak twice now, at Casanova Crew Lair and Mehow's Superconference -- he's got the PowerPoint and everything), so I'm sure he will pack a lot of information into this talk. Well worth your time.

The seminar is not restricted to SF Lair members. Everyone is welcome.

See you there! :-)

He's Just Not That Into You - What a Load of Hogwash!

So Matrix Guy and I went to see this movie a couple of nights ago. And wow, if people are really following the advice in that movie, it's no wonder relationships are such a mess! The better part of the movie is an exercise in violent communication!! (Hey, if you haven't seen the movie yet and want the ending to be a surprise, stop reading now ...)

Some examples? Well, first of all, the title. When that book came out (He's Just Not That Into You), I cringed, and I still cringe now. Not because there isn't a kernel of wisdom in there somewhere, but because it is entirely unhelpful to say to a woman (or a man, for that matter), "He (or she) is just not that into you." As if it's some sort of truth written in stone that is due to the nature of the two people involved, rather than the dynamic of their interactions. As if the other person has all the power in a situation, and if he or she is not responding to you instantly in exactly the way that you would like, well, then, too bad, you are powerless. Puh-leeeeze.

Take the main character of the movie, Gigi. How is it helpful for people to tell her "He's just not that into you"? (And yeah, the advice she's getting from girlfriends (a bunch of superficial excuses for a man's actions) isn't any better.) All that saying "he's just not that into you" tends to do is shut people down. "Oh, he's just not that into me. And that guy isn't either. I guess there's no point in me talking to them anymore." In the movie, you've got this adorable girl Gigi, who deep in her heart just wants to CONNECT, as we all do, and if she listens to that advice, she might just stop reaching out to people and shut down.

Indeed, the most realistic part of the movie (and funniest) to me was when she's sitting home on a Saturday night, and Alex asks her why, and she says something like: "You said I couldn't go out with guys who aren't 'into me,' so that doesn't leave me many options." Lol :-)

Which is true! Because people can't expect to go around in the world, not reaching out to anyone, not having the tools to create an inviting vibe and smile and say hi to people and connect with people in an organic way -- and expect that somehow magically members of the opposite sex are going to be 'into' them.

Puh-leeeze. This is the worst romantic advice EVER. If it were true that it is somehow set in stone that certain people will be into us and others won't, then there would be no point to a seduction community. You wouldn't have guys (and girls) who used to be romantic disasters suddenly have romantic abundance in their lives. Indeed, the men who succeed in the seduction community are those who take responsibility for their own romantic success rather than putting the responsibility on others, which is what a phrase like "oh, he/she is just not into me" does.

We need advice that is actually HELPFUL.

Such as teaching people to reach out to others in a way that brings other people closer rather than pushing them away. Such as helping people understand that sometimes we need to invest sincerely in another person before they are going to see our spark and feel a deep connection with us.

I've had lots of relationships with men that have ebbed and flowed over time, where the guy at one point didn't seem that "into me," but later he became deeply "into me." Why? Because I just stayed with the connection and was detached from the outcome. Because I didn't say to myself, "oh poor me, he's just not that into me, I guess it's better for me to write him off and move on." Because I come from a perspective that it's IMPOSSIBLE ever to have too many friends of the opposite sex, and it's ok to let relationships morph from one form to another without expectations.

We need to teach people how to stay with connection and stop putting so much pressure on each other. I don't even call my evenings out "dates" for this very reason. As soon as a girlfriend of mine says she is going on a date, I can feel the pressure set in. Immediately the guy and the experience are set up to be "judged" on the basis of a bunch of arbitrary criteria. Screw that. I go out with people, many of whom happen to be guys. Sometimes I feel chemistry, sometimes I don't. It's ok for us to let the experience take on a life of its own instead of putting it into a box ahead of time!!

Wow, I'm just getting started on this movie. Let's take Jeanine. Ok, first of all, she gets her man to marry her by using an ultimatum. I'm not saying an ultimatum can never be useful, but it sure is important to know what we are doing. Wow, we had better make sure that the other person is really one hundred percent on board with his or her choice and really WANTS to marry us. Otherwise, this is a recipe for resentment and second thoughts by the other person.

Jeanine's communication is singularly violent. Example: When she catches her husband smoking, she says: "What part of 'my father died of lung cancer' do you not understand?" Ouch! Bring in the heavy artillery why don't you? Motivating people through guilt and shame in this way is so incredibly counterproductive. And indeed, because this is Jeanine's default mode of communication, her husband feels trapped (in other words, he is in the marriage due to feelings of obligation rather than WANTING to be there). And because he is also not empowered in his communication, he runs for the exit.

What if instead Jeanine had been in touch with her feelings and expressed those to her husband: her sadness about not having more years with her father, her anxiety because she cares so much for her husband's well-being. What if she had been able to empathize with the very good reasons her husband was smoking? (What motivated him to smoke? we can guess, but we have no idea -- because neither Jeanine or he was in touch with their own inner motivations.)

Jeanine's communication created a situation where, because her husband was not wearing giraffe ears (the nickname for being able to hear everything others say through the prism of compassionate communication), his only choice was to submit or rebel. He submitted for a while, but ultimately he rebelled and had an affair.

We need to open the cage doors. We need to give other people the freedom to CHOOSE to be with us. And at the same time, we need to stay vulnerable and connect with them rather than writing them off with a lame "oh, I guess he's just not into me." What a cop out!

How Peruvian Guy Hooked Our Two-Set Last Night

So last night I was out at Americano with Czech Girl. We were sitting at the bar and both in a good mood, catching up cuz we hadn't seen each other since I wrote about our escapades in Tahoe. I was feeling pretty sexy, and Czech Girl even commented cuz I was wearing fishnets and slightly more revealing outfit than usual. (Truth be told, I usually dress pretty conservatively, even when going out. Doesn't seem to matter, guys hit on me anyway. But I also know how to dial it up a bit when I'm in this sexy kind of mood ;-)

I was, as usual, very innocently minding my own business when I noticed a guy (we'll call him Peruvian Guy) in a group next to us making pretty intense eye contact with me. I returned it a little bit, and noticed right away his persistence. This already set him apart from the vast majority of guys who are not self-confident enough to persistently hold eye contact with a girl.

Plus, and this goes back to the "vibe" thing that I talk about so often on this blog, his eye contact didn't say "I'm a sleazy pickup guy." It said: "I'm really intrigued by you for some reason, and I would like to learn more."

Sure enough, when my friend went to the bathroom, he approached me, and we started talking, and I liked him right away. I knew I was going to like him before he even said one word though. I can't even remember what he said at first.

He had a strong accent (sexy), and I found myself asking "Where are you from?" Then I started laughing at myself cuz I can't stand that question, as everyone who reads this blog well knows. So I checked in with myself to find out why I was asking it and realized that -- because I was actually interested in this guy and because I'm not into fleeting relationships -- what I really wanted to ask was:

"Do you live here or are you just passing through?"

Well, it turns out he's originally from Peru but he lives here. Good.

Then we laughed about how much we both roll our eyes about "interview" conversations. I told him that my new answer to "where are you from?" is going to be "from nowhere and everywhere."

And there was lots of other good subcommunication. For example, he told me a story of how people sometimes pay his tolls on the bridges. With everything I know about vibe, I know that anyone that sort of thing happens to has a loving, abundant mindset cuz that's the type of person who attracts that kind of generosity. Plus it's an upbeat, fun story.

Other things these guys did right:

* When my girlfriend came back from the bathroom, Peruvian Guy's friends (a guy and a girl) came over and talked to her, so she continued to have fun also. No pressure on me to wind up the conversation so that she wouldn't be bored.

* Peruvian Guy was definitely touching me more as the conversation went on, but it was in a very subtle way by essentially leaning against the back of the chair I was sitting on. How it felt is like we had known each other for a while and were having a very intimate conversation. I felt desired.

* We laughed a lot. Everyone was in a great mood.

* Peruvian Guy got my number into his phone, sent me a text message while we were standing there (he said "From nowhere to everywhere," which is good because it referenced our conversation), and when I didn't respond (cuz we were still hanging out), followed up later in the night with this: "Hey- you never confirmed you get my msg or not ... it would be wonderful if you do so."

You all know I'm a sucker for guys who are assertive about their communication and open about showing their interest in me, so I liked that.

Ok, I'm off to Tahoe now, see you all soon :-)

Outer Game 101: Is it violent to compliment a girl?

All right, so yesterday I mentioned my intention to respond to some questions that GoneSavage (GS) raised about compassionate (a/k/a non-violent) communication (CC or NVC for short). For those who are not familiar, NVC is a form of communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg to enhance connection among people and help them navigate and resolve intense conflicts. NVC is sometimes affectionately referred to as "giraffe language" for reasons that I'm not going to get into here. In some schools in the Middle East, they teach four-year old children to mediate disputes among their classmates using NVC.

If we teach NVC to everyone, the entire world will be transformed.

But I digress ... right now we're talking about the application of compassionate communication to seduction, and in particular, GS was focused on this quotation:

"In NVC, we consider praise and compliments a violent form of communication. Because they are part of the language of domination, it is one passing judgment on another. What makes it more complex is that people are trained to use praise as reward, as a manipulation to get people to do what they want."

-- Marshall Rosenberg (http://www.cnvc.org/)

GS had a few concerns, as he mulled over this quotation and ran internet searches on NVC. Here are some of the questions he raised:

1. GS was worried that NVC is anti-sex.

This one's easy to answer -- quite the opposite. As I mentioned in the previous post, intensive NVC often leads to sex. Why? Because it creates and enhances intimacy. The reason we were "warned" about it at the 10-day training is that the instructor wanted to make sure that those people who were already in committed relationships did not end up doing anything they regretted while at the conference. In other words, the instructor was meeting his own need for integrity and for contributing to other people's well-being.

2. GS also was concerned that NVC means the end of compliments:

"I have always thought that giving genuine praise was a kind and soul-enriching act, but now I see that it is really a violent one. After reading more on NVC, it now seems to me that any concious use of any technique is manipulation and therefore a violent form of communication."

GS, NVC does not mean the end of compliments. It means the beginning of sincere, detached-from-the-outcome appreciation.

I like Marshall's quote because it is provocative and gets people thinking, thus raising awareness. That said, it is a bit of an oversimplification. At its core, NVC is a tool for transforming consciousness. Thus, for example, when we say "that waterfall is really beautiful" or "that girl is really beautiful," NVC encourages us to translate that into our own observations, feelings, needs, and requests (OFNR). NVC translation: "When I see that waterfall, I feel blissful because my needs for beauty, connection to the natural world, awe, and relaxation are met. Would you be willing to stop the hike for a few minutes so I can continue to enjoy it?"

However, this raises an important issue when it comes to NVC. The language is so different from everyday street language that sometimes if you actually use the NVC terminology, other people (who haven't yet learned it) will look at you like you just landed here from Mars. In addition, sometimes it's just too many words. So sometimes the NVC language can hinder rather than enhance communication.

This is where the concept of "street giraffe" comes in (which actually also answers a question that a blog reader posed to me a couple of months ago when he was struggling to incorporate NVC into his everyday life without being perceived as a "weirdo"). Street giraffe is an art form, and it is a real joy once a person starts becoming proficient. As we study NVC, our consciousness begins to change. Instead of thinking that other people are responsible for meeting our needs, we begin to see that we are always responsible for our own needs, and for lack of a better concept, our "energy" changes. Now something miraculous happens. We can still be using non-NVC words, such as compliments, but because the intention with which we are using those words has changed, the impact the words have on other people also changes.

For example, two different guys can say the same thing to a girl (such as "Wow, you are so beautiful, I just had to come over to say hello). One guy will be perceived by the girl as creepy (which, translated into NVC, merely means that she senses that the guy wants something from her). The other guy will be perceived by the girl as charming (which means simply that her needs for appreciation, connection, etc. are being met at the same time as the guy is meeting his own needs). The difference between the two guys is something I refer to as "vibe" but really has to do with the guy's belief system. This is too complex to cover fully here but is something that I'm delving into in my upcoming e-book.

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GS had a few more questions but for now I'm out of time. So I'll write part two of this article later.

If you enjoy this blog, please support me by subscribing to it, following it (buttons in the right-hand side bar), and telling your friends about it. And I love the comments, please keep 'em coming :-) Cheerio for now.

Erika is ready to be seduced all over again

What I'm noticing is that each time it gets better. Each time it gets closer to what I ultimately want. Granted, it's only been two guys in five years. But hey, that's a TREND, and I'm focusing on the positive :-) Third time has got to be a charm.

Meanwhile, I'm about to start writing a post to answer some of GoneSavage's questions about compassionate communication (NVC) and pickup. He's worried that NVC is anti-sex. Obviously he did not attend the 10-day intensive NVC training with Marshall Rosenberg where on the first evening that the group gathered, one of the instructors gravely warned us to be careful because we would be using a lot of NVC during the week, and "NVC often leads to sex."

On vulnerability and saying "no thanks"

Hey everyone,

Gosh, it's awfully cute the comments I've been getting about vulnerability, from Anonymous and Gone Savage in particular. In case you missed the comments, both of them were saying how much they miss the vulnerable Erika ("I miss the more spiritual tone of Erika's earlier posts and that vulnerable space of sharing...").

When I have a little more time, too, I want to answer GS's question about non-violent communication and praise. The short answer is that of course praise, appreciation, and admiration are practices we want to continue. It's just that the intention with which we use them changes. They are no longer used with the expectation that the other person is going to reciprocate in some way. It becomes all about pure in-the-moment enjoyment of another person. And, yes, GS, I have a lot to say about the teachings of pickup regarding "doing something in order to get someone else to do what we want." I just flat out don't believe in that.

Which brings me back to vulnerability. Of course I love the days when I feel fully open to the world, and soft, and loving ... and even the days like yesterday when I feel sensitive and touchy and raw ... where I go quiet because I'm worried that my ego will do the talking.

And of course, as GS suggests, I focus primarily on do's rather than don'ts. I keep my attention on what I want rather than what I don't want. Because whatever we focus on expands. (That, btw, is why appreciation, admiration, and praise are so important. They keep our attention on things that we like about people, and people tend to blossom in that kind of energy.)

But all that said, there are also days for toughness. Sometimes, in order to say yes to what we really want, it is important first to say no to what we don't want. I have found that it can be a very slippery slope, especially in romantic relationships. The guy starts doing or saying things that are triggering a lot of discomfort in me (whether it's intentionally fucking with me or just being wishy washy about what he wants), and sometimes staying in that conversation is just going to make things worse. Because the more uncomfortable I feel, the more challenging it's going to be for me to stay vulnerable and open to men. As a woman, it's important that I be very internally clear about what feels good to me and what doesn't so that I can stay on solid ground regardless of what any man is doing. In other words:

Sometimes a woman simply must say no to what she doesn't want.

Doing that clears the space to allow into her life what she does want. It clears the space for a guy she already knows to step up, or for an entirely new guy to step in.

Outer Game 101: Number Two on the "Don't Do" List

This one is going to be real quick cuz I'm heading out the door ...

2. Don't Break Rapport When She's Being Nice to You

At Mehow's conference, DJ Fuji (who always gives a very professional presentation, btw) reminded me of this one. The way Fuji put it is: "Don't be an asshole when she's being nice to you."

Entropy talks a lot about creating and breaking rapport in his e-book, and it is absolutely essential to develop calibration about when to do which one. Because nothing will kill an interaction with a girl faster than "punishing" her when she's being sweet to you.

I was texting with a guy a few weeks ago when I really noticed this one big time. He had generated a ton of "compliance" from me. We were brainstorming together, and I was contributing my ideas to the situation. I was heavily into win/win mode and had just had a really good idea, which I told him about. I'll paraphrase our text conversation below

At first, he continued rapport ...

Him: See, now you're thinking.

Me: Oh, I'm just getting started baby :-)

See, from my perspective, we're vibing now, and what would have kept us in that space is him either encouraging me or adding another idea, riffing with me. But instead he says something like:

Him: Talk is cheap.

Wow, talk about all the air going out of the balloon. At which point I noticed that this was actually something that had happened a bunch of times in our interactions, and it was destroying my sense of trust. So I asked him how come he breaks rapport with me when I'm trying to work with him and explained that it's not good for my inspiration. The response was not inspiring. Instead of seeing my perspective, he made it seem like I need to "work" for his attention. Eventually after this happened a bunch of times, I just didn't feel very invested in the connection anymore. The sincerity and trust and kindness and accountability that are absolutely essential for me in a relationship with a man were not there.

So yeah, number two on the "don't do" list is don't break rapport when she's vibing with you.

1. Don't use "you statements."
2. Don't break rapport with the girl when she's being nice to you.

Inner Game 101: How "You Statements" Will Fuck You Up ;-)

All right, some time ago, a reader who will go unnamed (but has been known to post on here as "Quick") suggested that I publish a list of seduction "do nots." I resisted the idea for quite a while, and I still don't have a full list, but here's one:

1. Don't Use "You Statements"

They will fuck you up.

This is something I have noticed over the past few months. There are a few guys where we had tons of chemistry at first and then things quickly spiraled into intractable conflict to the point where it was no longer even worth continuing the connection. Just today I noticed the commonality among those guys: they had a habit of using "you statements."

What do I mean by "you statements"? Here are some examples:

1. If YOU had not criticized me, I would not have yelled at you.

2. You used me.

3. You insulted me.

4. You are the type of person who _____.

5. You are needy. You are a nutcase. You are insensitive.

6. You will wake up one day and realize I was right.

You get the idea ;-)

That last one is a double whammy cuz it combines a "you statement" with right/wrong thinking.

People, this is VIOLENT communication. And it will fuck you up. It will in most cases trigger defensiveness and reactivity in the other person. It will tend to push people away in a big way. So:

Use “I” statements. Probably the easiest way to communicate compassionately is to use “I” statements. These statements begin with the word “I” and they express something about our own view, not something about the other person. For example “I am finding it hard to believe what you are saying” is quite different than saying “You are lying!”

Ah, but wait a minute ... Note that it is no better to say "I feel used," "I feel offended," "I feel hurt" because it implies that SOMEONE used, offended, or hurt you. Which is impossible.

"You statements" give our power away. If someone else has the power to hurt, use, or offend us, then ... we are powerless.

But if we realize that what people do and our emotional response to it are two separate things, and that we have complete power over our own emotional response ... then we have taken our power back.

That doesn't mean we don't call people out when they are meeting their needs at the expense of other people's needs. It does mean that we are able to step back emotionally and observe and empathize instead of getting mired in non-constructive conflict.

It means we have space between a stimulus in our environment and how we respond to that stimulus. It's a much more relaxed and empowered way of being. And it's absolutely essential for top-notch seduction. There is NOTHING sexier than a man or woman who takes responsibility for his or her emotional responses to things.

This is one of the fundamental basics of rock-solid inner game.

Soul Searching, Erika Style

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the e-book title suggestions. Please keep 'em coming.

So I'm back from Vegas and Mehow's confereence, which was quite an adventure this time because I left my wallet on the airplane and arrived with one dollar to my name. I'll be posting some good stories about the trip here. I may also start a four-part series applying the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz to the seduction arts. (The first of four agreements is "Be Impeccable with Your Word," and it's absolutely essential to being a true master of the Game. Why? Because being congruent is all about alignment, about all of your layers matching up. It's not possible to reach that level of congruence without having integrity.)

Mainly, starting yesterday, there's a lot of soul searching on my part, focused primarily on what I really want for my life right now. Which is something that used to get expressed by me through planning, but now that I've reduced my reliance on future planning, tends to turn into an intensive present moment exercise in saying yes to what I want right now and no to what I don't want. Which means first getting clarity about what those things are. I'm talking about the big ticket items right now. If that makes any sense at all....

Carlos Xuma posted a quotation on his site this week, and I'm taking the liberty of adding it here too because it's so important and something that still only a rare few people are doing:

“Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the dangers of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of ‘crackpot’ than the stigma of conformity. And on issues that seem important to you, stand up and be counted at any cost.”

— Thomas J. Watson

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Meanwhile, please show your support for this blog by subscribing to it and following it (options in the right-hand side bar). Thank you to everyone who already has! :-)

Name My e-Book ... and the Law of Least Effort ;-)

Inspired by Sinn (who asked his readers to name his podcast, resulting in some truly hilarious suggestions), and by my own abject indecision, I am now accepting suggestions for the title of my e-book about seduction.

You can leave your suggestions in the comments section or email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.

The e-book is about a spiritually-grounded approach to seducing girls. It is focused on the kind of internal transformation that leads, effortlessly, to amazing external results. It will eliminate the need, forever, to learn pick-up lines, routine stacks, all forms of "canned" material, weird biological theories, and other forms of nonsense. It will help guys create deep and enduring connections with a woman or many women. It will, of course, be all about win/win and adding value to the lives of ALL of the (many, many, many) women in your life.

The book will help you tap in to the Infinite Intelligence ... which means you will always know what to do and say in every moment without having to agonize over it.

So the title that's coming to me this morning is inspired by Deepak Chopra (The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success) and Entropy (The Seven Immutable Laws of Pickup).

How about The Seven Spiritual Laws of Seduction? :-)

Anyhoo ... please send suggestions.

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And while we're on the topic, I wanted to share one of Deepak's Seven Laws, because I find it very inspirational and yet it goes against so much conventional wisdom. People are trained in our society to think that good things only come from hard work and "busyness." When in fact, when we are aligned with the spiritual laws of success, everything is meant to feel EFFORTLESS.

Here's an excerpt from Deepak:

4) The Law of Least Effort

This law is based on the fact that nature's intelligence functions with effortless ease and abandoned carefreeness. This is the principle of least action, of no resistance. This is, therefore, the principle of harmony and love. When we learn this lesson from nature, we easily fulfill our desires. In Vedic Science, the age-old philosophy of India, this principle is known as the principle of economy of effort, or "do less and accomplish more." Ultimately, you come to the state where you do nothing and accomplish everything. This means that there is just a faint idea, and then the manifestation of the idea comes about effortlessly. What is commonly called a "miracle" is actually an expression of the Law of Least Effort. Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates--and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth.

There are three components to the Law of Least Effort--three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. The first component is acceptance. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. The second component is responsibility. This means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. This allows you the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. The third component to the Law of Least Effort is defenselessness. This means that you have relinquished the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. If you relinquish this need you will in that relinquishment gain access to enormous amounts of energy that have been previously wasted.

I highly recommend his book, by the way, which you can read about HERE. Lots of life-changing gems in there.

Adventure or Commitment: What Do Women Want ... Anyway?

Today in my inbox I received Zan Perrion's Way of Attraction Newsletter, and I enjoyed it so much that I'm going to reprint it here and then follow up with some commentary. The newsletter this week was written by Hans Comjin, who works as a full-time instructor for Zan. You can learn more about Zan's Ars Amorata program HERE.

It raises that classic vexing dilemma and question: "nice guy" or "bad boy"?

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So here is the letter that Hans wrote:

The Source of Attraction and The Paradox of Love

In my quest for beauty, my desire to celebrate and be immersed in female energy, I often wonder what it is in women that I love so much. I travel a lot with Zan, and when asked "What is it you miss the most during your travels?" the answer for me goes along the lines of "a place of rest... with a woman who comforts and nurtures me".

As Zan puts it, "My head on a woman's breast, with her caressing my hair and telling me everything will be all right..."

And I wonder... could it be that this image describes the essence of a woman - she nurturing me, the traveller, taking care of me, providing a place where I can lay my head to rest... is that the core of female energy?

I also wonder if my travelling is the essence of male energy. The adventurer, out there in the wilderness, the warrior on a mission, caught up in something bigger, the man with a purpose.

And if these images are meaningful articulations of male and female energy, then those differences in energy seem like a very viable source for the attraction between men and women, do they not? Going vs nurturing.

She is attracted to, and enamored by, purposeful men, men who go. She wants to nurture the warrior. Everywhere we go, women ask us how they can "land that guy". She wants to bring home the adventurer, domesticate the one that seems 'undomesticable'.

And he, the traveller, the adventurer, misses and is attracted to the nurturing qualities of women. He loves to be taken care of. He loves to come 'home' after he was out there in the wilderness, following his purpose.

If this makes any kind of sense, could it also be then that those differences in energy not only provide a viable source for the attraction between men and women, but that they also lie at the core of the paradox of love and many of the concerns and issues we have in terms of approaching, dating and relationships between men and women?

Is it not true that as soon as she 'lands that guy', as soon as she has brought home the adventurer she longed for, she starts losing her attraction for him?

Is it not true that as soon as he settles and stops going, as soon as he gives up his purpose and she becomes the adventure, he kills the man in him and the possibility to make her feel like a woman?

Why do we settle? Why do we almost invariably choose to instantly get rid of the pang of missing someone by choosing 'forever'? Is what we think we want ignoring our very male and female core? Could it be that what we think we want will not make us happy in the long run?

She thinks that what she really wants is to land that guy. She is convinced that bringing home the adventurer forever will make her happy. And he misses the place to rest she provides so much that he thinks he should settle.

So he does, and they settle for each other. But maybe, in the process of settling, they overlook that the apparent paradox of love is also the very source of their attraction.

Maybe she needs to claim, maybe she needs to try to bring him home, and maybe he needs to go anyway... in the name of attraction, in the name of all women and men.

Maybe you need to give her gift of missing you. Maybe you need to disappear, reappear and celebrate her... each time with newness and excitement, fully recharged with male energy... As Zan says, "Like it is his first love all over again."

Maybe she deserves that...

~ Hans Comijn
Way of Attraction

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Ah yes. The age-old paradox. The very riddle that brought me to the seduction community in the first place.

Why is it that women are attracted to bad boys, to adventurers, to players -- the very men who are not oriented toward committing to her -- and yet, she yearns for that commitment and deeper connection? As Hans so beautifully puts it:

"Is it not true that as soon as she 'lands that guy', as soon as she has brought home the adventurer she longed for, she starts losing her attraction for him?

"Is it not true that as soon as he settles and stops going, as soon as he gives up his purpose and she becomes the adventure, he kills the man in him and the possibility to make her feel like a woman?"

Conventional women's dating advice is utterly unhelpful on this point. It simply tells women to "give up" the side of her that wants the adventurer. It tells her to stop dating "that kind" of man and start dating "nice guys." And it counsels her thus with fear -- if you don't let go of the bad boy, it says, you will never experience love.

But she tries it, and ... dating "nice guys" feels utterly wrong, as if she has denied one of the deepest parts of herself ... and it feels to her like the "nice guys" have killed off the deepest part of themselves too. Where is the vitality in them? They seem to be lifeless.

Is this some cruel trick that the powers that be have thrust upon us? Never to be satisfied. Either the guy commits and we are bored, or the guy won't commit and we feel eternally restless and unsatisfied? Challenged, perhaps, but not fulfilled.

Or is there a third path? Is it actually possible to have adventure and commitment, both, at the same time?

I am absolutely, resolutely, devotedly committed to living that third path. I simply cannot accept that somehow we are put to an impossible choice between security and excitement. I want both, and I will not settle for less than both.

I refuse to choose.

And I invite other women -- I know you're out there, and I know you know what I'm talking about -- to join me in insisting on both.

Part of the solution, I'm convinced, is to start finding security IN uncertainty. Rather than "land" the poor guy and tethering him in a dungeon, what if we girls get on the ship with him and sail for distant horizons? What if we (gasp) begin to take pleasure in his attraction to other women? What if instead of judging that attraction, we become one with it? Transforming it into yet another way to forge a deeper connection with our man.

What if we as women create such exciting lives for ourselves that our man can sometimes disappear for adventures of his own, and we're so busy having fun that we barely notice the time and he's back in our arms again?

Why would we choose between depth of connection, longevity, and continuity on the one hand, and that electric thrill of desire and excitement on the other hand ... when if we get creative and play our cards right, we can have both?

Inspired by the Recession

Wow, has it been wild to watch the stock and housing markets plummet in unison. Scary, bewildering, and yet at some level ... exhilarating.

Some say this recession is just like every other one the world has seen. I don't believe that. It feels to me like we are on the brink of a sea change in consciousness and in the way the world looks and operates.

This passage brings me comfort right now:

Sit quietly and look upon the world you see, and tell yourself: "The real world is not like this. It has no buildings and there are no streets where people walk alone and separate. There are no stores where people buy an endless list of things they do not need. It is not lit with artificial light, and night comes not upon it. There is no day that brightens and grows dim. There is no loss. Nothing is there but shines, and shines forever."

Change can definitely be unnerving, but it also opens the way for new and better things to happen. I would probably be sad except for my faith that this is what awaits us:

When you have looked on what seemed terrifying, and seen it change to sights of loveliness and peace; when you have looked on scenes of violence and death, and watched them change to quiet views of gardens under open skies, with clear, life-giving water running happily beside them in dancing brooks that never waste away; who need persuade you to accept the gift of vision?

What can we do right now to move in the right direction? We can help each other. Every time we feel the temptation to judge each other, we can communicate instead. We can offer to take a friend who got laid off out to dinner. We can engage in random acts of kindness. We can make a donation online to someone who is doing peace work and could use the extra cash. We can connect people who may be able to help each other. We can think less about "mine" and more about "ours."

The reason I blog so passionately about relationships and connection is that I believe this is the starting point for recreating a peaceful and beautiful new world.

I'd love to hear how everyone else is feeling about what is going on in the world right now.

Seduction Ethics I: What to do about OPP

Before we get started this morning, I've received a few emails lately from people who were having trouble understanding the blog because they are not familiar with the PUA lingo. Lol :-) For those readers, I offer this glossary from Fast Seduction. Newbies might also be interested in reading Neil Strauss' best selling book, The Game. It's a highly entertaining introduction to the community.

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Anyway, on with today's musings ... it was so much fun getting everyone's feedback about that letter that I published a few days ago that I again want to invite you all to give your opinions in the comments section.

Friend of Papi (FOP) posted a comment that raises some questions close to my heart. What are the ethics of pickup artistry?

FOP was mentioning seeing a skilled PUA who (if the portrayal is accurate) has a "no rules" approach to pickup.

One reason that makes him super successful is that he is totally cool with not following any rules from society or community pu wing rules... he has no problem hooking up with other people's gfs, taking other puas' sets, hooking with puas' gfs, etc... Nothing against [him], I seen other guys, a few here and there, do the same thing. Hooking up with brothers, cousin's gfs, friends' wives, etc... The person hooking up with gfs of family and friends think all cool and fun that night and no nobody's feelings get hurt and that's not true. So these guys that play with 'no rules' do get laid more.... All I can say is Congrats to them... they are more successful. So does the end (getting laid plenty) justify the means?

Erika, what does the ACIM say about playing life's game with this kind of attitude? My intepretation is that ACIM in some way is cool with [guys] satisfying themselves regardless of whether he honors the other puas (or brothers aka other gods are offended or not). I guess.... my interpretation of ACIM in this area is the guys' who get offended by those with 'no rules' is their issue huh.... Erika, is that your interpretation too or is ACIM saying honor your brothers as gods and see the world with abundance so it is not necessary to hookup with everybody's gfs or take their sets just because you can? Does hooking up with other people's or puas' gfs, wives, other puas' sets truly reflect an attitude of abundance that GS himself talks about? There are definitely pros and cons of 'no rules'. Pros is getting a more action than following the rules. Cons... someone gets hurt... but fuck them right? My dick is more important regardless of how someone else feels ;)

Again, nothing against [PUAs] doing this ... just observations.... I do not condone or support their views... it just their spiritual paths... just thought it would make an interesting discussion thread.

Interesting discussion thread, indeed. I invite everyone to chime in with their views.

The whole idea of exclusivity in relationships is something I have pondered a lot (see prior post here), and I'm still continuing to sort out my feelings about it.

On the one hand, I want to go deep in my relationships, and there is a lot of appeal in going deeper with one person to have more focus. I also would like to have continuity and longevity. On the other hand, I'm finding that the less I try to tie anyone down to exclusivity, the less fear I have in relationships, and the deeper I'm able to go with people. It's definitely a paradox.

FOP, you asked about ACIM's view of all this. First and foremost, it is essential to have the right perspective on things, meaning the right "frame." If a guy sleeps with someone else's girlfriend, is he really "taking" something from the other guy? Is he really "hurting" the other guy?

Anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows I'm a fan of radical authenticity. So I would generally not endorse sleeping with someone else's gf or bf if it's grounded in deception. I want these things to be out in the open! Transparency eliminates guilt, and it is usually guilt that is the problem, not the actual thing the person is doing.

But I want to throw some ACIM ideas out there that seem especially fitting here:

"[I]f you choose to take a thing away from someone else, you will have nothing left. This is because, when you deny his right to everything, you have denied your own. You therefore will not recognize the things you really have, denying they are there. Who seeks to take away has been deceived by the illusion loss can offer gain. Yet loss must offer loss, and nothing more."

This is a matter of perception though. If a guy sleeps with another guy's girlfriend, is he really "taking" her away? Or are they sharing? The key is one's inner perception of what is happening.

Here's another ACIM quote that seems to fit here:

"Love is not an illusion. It is a fact. Where disillusionment is possible, there was not love but hate. For hate is an illusion, and what can change was never love. It is sure that those who select certain ones as partners in any aspect of living, and use them for any purpose which they would not share with others, are trying to live with guilt rather than die of it. This is the choice they see. And love, to them, is only an escape from death. They seek it desperately, but not in the peace in which it would gladly come quietly to them. And when they find the fear of death is still upon them, the love relationship loses the illusion that it is what it is not. When the barricades against it are broken, fear rushes in and hatred triumphs."

I've said before that I cannot reconcile this passage with exclusivity. ACIM also says "If I defend I am attacked." I see exclusivity as one of these defenses, the irony being that by trying to prevent "cheating" we actually create cheating -- whereas by embracing "sharing" we eliminate the entire concept of cheating. See how that works? ;-)

FOP, as for your comment about "hurting" someone else, well, I know this isn't in line with conventional wisdom, but that's a concept we must abandon. All perceived "hurts" can be transcended through communication. I did write about this before also. One really inspiring model for making this transition is the Restorative Justice work that is being done in Brazil by non-violent communication practitioner Dominic Barter. I attended a two-day workshop that Dominic gave in the Bay Area a couple of years ago. The work they are doing there is so powerful that they not only bring a lot of peace to victims of crime, but also they have virtually eliminated recidivism among juvenile offenders who participate in the program.

But I digress ... back to OPP and whether we can ever be "hurt" by someone else's actions. In the short term, perhaps. In the long term, no. I leave you with this provocative quotation from ACIM:

"A miracle can offer nothing less to him than it has given unto you. So does your healing show your mind is healed, and has forgiven what he did not do. And so is he convinced his innocence was never lost, and healed along with you. Thus does the miracle undo all things the world attests can never be undone. And hopelessness and death must disappear before the ancient clarion call of life. This call has power far beyond the weak and miserable cry of death and guilt. The ancient calling of the Father to His Son, and of the Son unto His Own, will yet be the last trumpet that the world will ever hear. Brother, there is no death. And this you learn when you but wish to show your brother that you had no hurt of him. He thinks your blood is on his hands, and so he stands condemned. Yet it is given you to show him, by your healing, that his guilt is but the fabric of a senseless dream."

So that's it for now, I need to go. Please send in your opinions about Friend of Papi's question in the comments section. And please also support this blog by following it and subscribing (buttons in the right-hand side bar) and by telling your friends about it.

Cheerio for now. Blessings to all of you.

Love,
Erika

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There are so many things I love about GoneSavage's writing that I don't know where to begin. The sensuality, the sense of adventure, the freedom, the headline "Don't Call it A Comeback" ... Lol :-)

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Check him out HERE.

Oh, and Tenmagnet added me to his blog roll. So there, bitches! Lol, I just had to say that out loud. :-p