I'm back home from Hristiyan's workshop and about to drift off to a lovely sleep, but I wanted to give you a preview of the next several blog posts, which will be reporting on the workshop.
The workshop was PHENOMENAL. Seriously, I have attended many of these events, and I have never seen a group of guys transform so quickly toward authenticity, powerful masculine presence, and taking full responsibility for themselves and their actions.
Why was it so effective? Well, for a few reasons. First, Hristiyan is a powerful teacher. He is extremely present, and he keeps everyone else present. He really challenges the guys to get beyond their old patterns and doesn't let them get away with any shirking of responsibility.
Second, the workshop was not held in a dingy hotel meeting room, with fluorescent lights and rows and rows of chairs. It was held in a porn star's loft with beautiful natural light and all of us sitting around the room on couches. It felt very intimate.
Third, the workshop did not involve any lectures. The problem with a lecture format is that people tend to zone out. Also, guys get bombarded with tons of information, some useful, some not so useful, but they don't really have an opportunity to integrate that information into their lives. This workshop is the first one I've seen that consisted of back-to-back exercises.
Fourth, Hristiyan invited me and one other woman to the workshop. Not only that, he gave us far more than a passive role. Many of the back-to-back exercises involved the guys interacting with us in very real ways and receiving in-the-moment feedback from us and from everyone else in the room. (I have been shocked at how few events in the community include actual real live women as part of the program; one would think that practicing on real live women would be an obvious prerequisite to teaching guys to have better connections with women ;-).
Anyway, I am really, really impressed. The guys had MAJOR, MAJOR breakthroughs toward getting in touch with their core masculinity. Here are some topics from the workshop that I plan to write about this week. I'm just a little too tuckered out right now ...
I. We want men to be men (why women gravitate toward a man who leads, who is trustworthy, whose yes means yes and no means no, and who takes care of plans like restaurant reservations, parking, etc., so that she can surrender into her femininity and into the relationship).
II. The importance of being able to hold space for a woman's sadness, anger, and other negative feelings without becoming defensive or pushing her away.
III. The inauthentic social "masks" that the seduction community encourages guys to adopt, and why Hristiyan insisted that the students drop all of their masks so they can truly connect with women.
IV. How I cured one guy's paralyzing life-long approach anxiety by using Emotional Freedom Technique with him in field. By the end of the night, he was calm and present and spontaneously started talking to women at the bar, which he had never done before in his life.
V. The remarkable shifts that the guys in the workshop experienced in a 36-hour time period. One guy went from being entirely blocked (not only did I feel no connection with him, it seemed like there was a wall between us) to being able to communicate focused sexual intention non-verbally (ala Hypnotica).
Btw, I've been receiving some very sweet e-mails lately about the blog from some people for whom I have a lot of respect. So ... thank you! And please remember to support this blog by becoming a follower and/or subscriber (buttons in the right-hand side bar).
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Two Weekends of Seduction: Hristiyan and Zan
Hey everyone,
I'm leaving shortly on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again ...
This weekend is Hristiyan's conference in Los Angeles.
Next weekend is Zan's program in Austin.
I'm very excited. :-)
I'm also deeply touched by the hospitality that has been extended to me. This weekend I'm staying with one of the guys I met at Johnny Soporno's program way back in January. And Hristiyan is covering my plane fare, too. I feel very cherished :-)
Next weekend, El Topo (whom I met at Mehow's conference back in March) invited me to stay with him and the rest of the gang. Hooray! This is going to be so much fun. I wonder if my abstinence will survive all this beautiful masculine energy ... ;-)
We also have a HUGE event coming up in July: Erika's first speaking gig in the seduction community ... at the 21 Convention in Orlando, Florida. Don't miss this conference: four days of excellent speakers for only $250 is truly the best deal in the community right now. Plus, I'll be there live and in person and can probably do some EFT sessions on the side.
All right, I'd better go so that I don't miss my flight. I'll report back on the next two weekends very soon.
Kisses,
Erika
I'm leaving shortly on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again ...
This weekend is Hristiyan's conference in Los Angeles.
Next weekend is Zan's program in Austin.
I'm very excited. :-)
I'm also deeply touched by the hospitality that has been extended to me. This weekend I'm staying with one of the guys I met at Johnny Soporno's program way back in January. And Hristiyan is covering my plane fare, too. I feel very cherished :-)
Next weekend, El Topo (whom I met at Mehow's conference back in March) invited me to stay with him and the rest of the gang. Hooray! This is going to be so much fun. I wonder if my abstinence will survive all this beautiful masculine energy ... ;-)
We also have a HUGE event coming up in July: Erika's first speaking gig in the seduction community ... at the 21 Convention in Orlando, Florida. Don't miss this conference: four days of excellent speakers for only $250 is truly the best deal in the community right now. Plus, I'll be there live and in person and can probably do some EFT sessions on the side.
All right, I'd better go so that I don't miss my flight. I'll report back on the next two weekends very soon.
Kisses,
Erika
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Erika's First E-Commerce Call
Today has been a big day. Something monumental happened this morning, and by sheer coincidence, something big is happening tonight, too.
Writing comes easily to me. Always has, since I was about four years old. But technology and e-commerce ... not so much! Lol :-)
Fortunately, Someone is looking out for me, and I got invited into a top dating coach's e-commerce mentoring program.
What this hopefully means for all of you is that I'll be better able to offer and organize the content on this blog. That means that NOW would be a good time for special requests, if you have any ...
xoxo,
Erika :-)
Writing comes easily to me. Always has, since I was about four years old. But technology and e-commerce ... not so much! Lol :-)
Fortunately, Someone is looking out for me, and I got invited into a top dating coach's e-commerce mentoring program.
What this hopefully means for all of you is that I'll be better able to offer and organize the content on this blog. That means that NOW would be a good time for special requests, if you have any ...
xoxo,
Erika :-)
Monday, May 25, 2009
Fun fighting: learning to enjoy each other's pain
What I wouldn't give to have this one wish granted: for every guy I ever date to attend non-violent (compassionate) communication workshops with me. The workshop environment is important because having others there to mediate and hold the space makes a HUGE difference.
Why do some guys resist?
1. They see it as a chore.
2. They are scared to talk about "feelings."
3. They think it carries a stigma, that it's like a 12-step group.
4. They don't think they need it.
Believe me, they all need it. Every single one. No matter how good a guy's "game" already is, being proficient in NVC would make it better. In fact, I don't know one single person on this planet who wouldn't benefit.
But I'm not here to be self-righteous about that ... Mostly, I want guys to realize how much fun they are missing out on. I want them to see that fighting, and dark emotions that nobody wants to face (like anger, shame, guilt, etc.), can become a way to bond and explore and can even be humorous ... once we replace judgment with compassion.
I have seen what NVC can do for relationships -- bring them to life in the most magical ways. I know a couple (they are NVC teachers) who actually enjoy their fights. Maybe not in every moment while it's happening. But they have learned to appreciate how much more deeply they can connect by loving each other's anger and sadness. The truth is that anger, when we bond over it with someone else, can become downright entertaining. The thoughts we think when angry can, when brought to the light of day, seem beyond ridiculous.
Once we start laughing again, we are healing.
A guy (someone who is very dear to me) told me today that he thinks I am "emotionally weak" because I pay so much attention to my feelings. I could take that personally, but I don't. If I empathize with what he's saying, I would guess this: he feels frustrated because some of my actions when I'm paying close attention to my feelings don't meet his needs for predictability and connection and trust. Perhaps he'll read this and let me know if that guess is anywhere near the mark.
Seriously, I would give just about anything for him to attend a two-day non-violent communication (NVC) workshop with me. Why? Because just as he wants to contribute to my well-being with the email he sent me today, so I would like to contribute to his by experiencing with him how much NVC can enhance communication. Regardless of what happens in our connection with each other. Just for the two-day adventure of it. If nothing else, it'd be a *really* cool experience for him to bring to his business.
Tonight, I was re-reading the chapter in Kelly Bryson's book Don't Be Nice Be Real. The chapter is called "From Fighting Fair to Fun Fighting." It shows us how fighting can actually be GOOD for relationships. Kelly points out that no one can agree on what "fair" actually means, so he shifts the focus to dialogue that can get both people's needs met. Here's a great quote:
"If you want to keep the wild in your wild man, keep encouraging him to keep setting himself free."
I really like that one, because I like my wild men.
Here are some other things Kelly says:
"Relationships are like Chinese finger puzzles. ... The key to getting out of the Chinese finger puzzle is the same key as getting out of the polarized power struggle in a loving relationship. It is useful to push toward the middle instead of pulling toward your own ends. When you find yourself struggling toward one of the polar ends of an apparent conflict of needs, the strain of the power struggle can be decreased by pushing back toward the middle, as counter intuitive as this is. As furiously as I might try to get my point across or have my needs heard, if I use the same amount of energy to show understanding for the other's position, I will ease the power struggle and move us toward resolution. I choose to fight toward life, toward the connection with each other, which is the common life-force that sustains and connects us. This helps protect us from getting caught up in a fight to the death."
Kelly teaches that "[w]hen blaming is going on," we can help both ourself and the other person if we are able to see that blaming is actually "a request for empathy, healing and reconnection." Wow, that sure shifts our focus!
He explains that so often when people come to him in despair because they can't seem to get their needs met in a relationship, it turns out that they are not really engaging each other in the type of deep, needs-based conversation that might resolve their seeming conflicts.
As one of many concrete examples, Kelly also talks about the basic human needs that are at play when couples discuss monogamous versus non-monogamous relationships. And how, if couples talk in the language of needs (such as security, connection, freedom, adventure, etc.) rather than getting attached to particular strategies, they can usually find something that will make both of them happy.
He gives lots of cool examples, of how we can turn conflicts around into deeper and more fulfilling connections with everyone in our life.
It's really a great book. I hope everyone will read it.
Why do some guys resist?
1. They see it as a chore.
2. They are scared to talk about "feelings."
3. They think it carries a stigma, that it's like a 12-step group.
4. They don't think they need it.
Believe me, they all need it. Every single one. No matter how good a guy's "game" already is, being proficient in NVC would make it better. In fact, I don't know one single person on this planet who wouldn't benefit.
But I'm not here to be self-righteous about that ... Mostly, I want guys to realize how much fun they are missing out on. I want them to see that fighting, and dark emotions that nobody wants to face (like anger, shame, guilt, etc.), can become a way to bond and explore and can even be humorous ... once we replace judgment with compassion.
I have seen what NVC can do for relationships -- bring them to life in the most magical ways. I know a couple (they are NVC teachers) who actually enjoy their fights. Maybe not in every moment while it's happening. But they have learned to appreciate how much more deeply they can connect by loving each other's anger and sadness. The truth is that anger, when we bond over it with someone else, can become downright entertaining. The thoughts we think when angry can, when brought to the light of day, seem beyond ridiculous.
Once we start laughing again, we are healing.
A guy (someone who is very dear to me) told me today that he thinks I am "emotionally weak" because I pay so much attention to my feelings. I could take that personally, but I don't. If I empathize with what he's saying, I would guess this: he feels frustrated because some of my actions when I'm paying close attention to my feelings don't meet his needs for predictability and connection and trust. Perhaps he'll read this and let me know if that guess is anywhere near the mark.
Seriously, I would give just about anything for him to attend a two-day non-violent communication (NVC) workshop with me. Why? Because just as he wants to contribute to my well-being with the email he sent me today, so I would like to contribute to his by experiencing with him how much NVC can enhance communication. Regardless of what happens in our connection with each other. Just for the two-day adventure of it. If nothing else, it'd be a *really* cool experience for him to bring to his business.
Tonight, I was re-reading the chapter in Kelly Bryson's book Don't Be Nice Be Real. The chapter is called "From Fighting Fair to Fun Fighting." It shows us how fighting can actually be GOOD for relationships. Kelly points out that no one can agree on what "fair" actually means, so he shifts the focus to dialogue that can get both people's needs met. Here's a great quote:
"If you want to keep the wild in your wild man, keep encouraging him to keep setting himself free."
I really like that one, because I like my wild men.
Here are some other things Kelly says:
"Relationships are like Chinese finger puzzles. ... The key to getting out of the Chinese finger puzzle is the same key as getting out of the polarized power struggle in a loving relationship. It is useful to push toward the middle instead of pulling toward your own ends. When you find yourself struggling toward one of the polar ends of an apparent conflict of needs, the strain of the power struggle can be decreased by pushing back toward the middle, as counter intuitive as this is. As furiously as I might try to get my point across or have my needs heard, if I use the same amount of energy to show understanding for the other's position, I will ease the power struggle and move us toward resolution. I choose to fight toward life, toward the connection with each other, which is the common life-force that sustains and connects us. This helps protect us from getting caught up in a fight to the death."
Kelly teaches that "[w]hen blaming is going on," we can help both ourself and the other person if we are able to see that blaming is actually "a request for empathy, healing and reconnection." Wow, that sure shifts our focus!
He explains that so often when people come to him in despair because they can't seem to get their needs met in a relationship, it turns out that they are not really engaging each other in the type of deep, needs-based conversation that might resolve their seeming conflicts.
As one of many concrete examples, Kelly also talks about the basic human needs that are at play when couples discuss monogamous versus non-monogamous relationships. And how, if couples talk in the language of needs (such as security, connection, freedom, adventure, etc.) rather than getting attached to particular strategies, they can usually find something that will make both of them happy.
He gives lots of cool examples, of how we can turn conflicts around into deeper and more fulfilling connections with everyone in our life.
It's really a great book. I hope everyone will read it.
10 Reasons to Celebrate Friendship: Why LJBF can be a very good thing
Today I'd like to talk about something that can be a touchy issue for both men and women: the concept of "let's just be friends" or LJBF. I have a really different take on this than most people in the community ... which is because, to me, friendship is one of the most glorious things on God's green earth. I'm also convinced that the reason most guys are not successful at seducing women is that they never learned how to be truly comfortable with women as people. (Yes, I know there are exceptions, there are guys perenially "stuck" in the friendship category, but if you ask me, those guys have other issues going on that are beyond the scope of this post.)
So here are ten reasons to celebrate friendship:
1. No Expectations
Friends come and go, right? Sometimes we spend a lot of time with one person for a few months, then don't see them again for a few months. Do we obsess about it or get upset or call them names? Not usually. Why? No expectations.
2. No Sex
So much of the community is focused on sex and finding ways to have it. But let's face it, it tends to complicate relationships. Could I have sex with no expectations? Yes. The way I would do that is by sleeping with guys I don't have any real chemistry with. Would that serve either them or me? No, so I don't do it.
If I sleep with a guy I am really in to, am I going to have expectations? Yes. Do I consider that a bad thing? No, if I'm going to have that kind of relationship, I want it to be amazing. I want to be with a guy who is making me his first priority.
So for me, #2 goes along with #1. Keeping a relationship non-sexual means I don't have expectations, and the relationship is easy and non-stressful.
3. Lots of opportunities to develop intimacy skills in a low-pressure environment
Friendships, with both men and women, are a great place to practice relationship skills. Things like empathetic listening and compassionate communication.
4. You can never have too many friends
Friendship is beautiful because it is possible to have many friendships and honor all of them. Only rarely am I going to feel jealous because a friend goes out with another friend.
And I will add to this one a mantra that I believe is one of the long lost secrets of dating success and happiness: you can never have too many friends of the opposite sex.
5. Always someone to hang out with
If one person is not available, someone else will be.
6. Friends introduce us to other friends
The circle of friends keeps expanding, and you never know when someone you met casually through a friend will turn out to be your next relationship or business partner.
7. Friends introduce us to new ideas and activities
With a vibrant circle of friendships, we are constantly being exposed to new ideas, new activities, new venues, and so forth. For example, the friends I've made in the seduction community have invited me to a bunch of really fun seminars, bootcamps, and other events -- and each time I attend one, I make new friends.
8. Friendship is the true basis of all relationships
What is friendship, really? In my book, it's a non-attached form of loving acceptance, companionship, mutual respect, and affection. I don't think any romantic relationship can survive long unless it has a firm foundation of friendship supporting it.
9. Friendships enhance life
When I think about it, the fabric of my life is largely made up of my friendships. With men and women. Each friendship allows some aspect of myself and the other person to be expressed.
The metaphor I think of is that each of us is a hub, with our many relationships fanning outward as spokes. If we were too reliant on any one spoke, the wheel would not be stable. But when we have many spokes, the wheel has tremendous strength.
10. One never knows where friendship will lead
Our society focuses SO much on romantic relationships and sexual relationships. People focus on "dating" and "exclusive relationships" as the path to marriage and long-term commitment. Yet, at least in my own life experience, most of the men who have wanted to marry me are long-time friends. These are relationships where a deep trust and respect has developed over the course of several years of low-pressure (non-dating) interactions. Often there was a period of time where the relationship started out "romantic," got too pressurized such that we backed off into a friendship, and then somehow persisted and deepened.
I am increasingly convinced that men don't marry for sex. In most cases, they don't marry the hot "turbo" girl. Men don't marry for superficial characteristics. I'm more and more convinced that most men marry a girl who is a really good friend. A girl who is so happy with her own life that she doesn't even think about marrying him, until she is shocked one day he starts talking about it out of the blue.
You heard it here first, folks. You're not going to hear this in Cosmo magazine. You're not going to hear it from most people giving dating advice.
Friendship is where it's at ...
************************************
So what to do if someone LJBFs us? Realize it's not a big deal, remember you can never have too many friends, change the subject, and talk about something interesting or fun. If you're more advanced at this and can handle subtlety ... talk about other people you're dating, not as a way to make them jealous but as a way to remove all the pressure (your intent is key here). Make it obvious (and be sincere about it) that your interest in this person is genuine -- that you see them as a human being, not as a romantic or sexual object. Once people are sincerely connecting, things tend to become a lot more relaxed, and then whatever's meant to happen will happen.
So here are ten reasons to celebrate friendship:
1. No Expectations
Friends come and go, right? Sometimes we spend a lot of time with one person for a few months, then don't see them again for a few months. Do we obsess about it or get upset or call them names? Not usually. Why? No expectations.
2. No Sex
So much of the community is focused on sex and finding ways to have it. But let's face it, it tends to complicate relationships. Could I have sex with no expectations? Yes. The way I would do that is by sleeping with guys I don't have any real chemistry with. Would that serve either them or me? No, so I don't do it.
If I sleep with a guy I am really in to, am I going to have expectations? Yes. Do I consider that a bad thing? No, if I'm going to have that kind of relationship, I want it to be amazing. I want to be with a guy who is making me his first priority.
So for me, #2 goes along with #1. Keeping a relationship non-sexual means I don't have expectations, and the relationship is easy and non-stressful.
3. Lots of opportunities to develop intimacy skills in a low-pressure environment
Friendships, with both men and women, are a great place to practice relationship skills. Things like empathetic listening and compassionate communication.
4. You can never have too many friends
Friendship is beautiful because it is possible to have many friendships and honor all of them. Only rarely am I going to feel jealous because a friend goes out with another friend.
And I will add to this one a mantra that I believe is one of the long lost secrets of dating success and happiness: you can never have too many friends of the opposite sex.
5. Always someone to hang out with
If one person is not available, someone else will be.
6. Friends introduce us to other friends
The circle of friends keeps expanding, and you never know when someone you met casually through a friend will turn out to be your next relationship or business partner.
7. Friends introduce us to new ideas and activities
With a vibrant circle of friendships, we are constantly being exposed to new ideas, new activities, new venues, and so forth. For example, the friends I've made in the seduction community have invited me to a bunch of really fun seminars, bootcamps, and other events -- and each time I attend one, I make new friends.
8. Friendship is the true basis of all relationships
What is friendship, really? In my book, it's a non-attached form of loving acceptance, companionship, mutual respect, and affection. I don't think any romantic relationship can survive long unless it has a firm foundation of friendship supporting it.
9. Friendships enhance life
When I think about it, the fabric of my life is largely made up of my friendships. With men and women. Each friendship allows some aspect of myself and the other person to be expressed.
The metaphor I think of is that each of us is a hub, with our many relationships fanning outward as spokes. If we were too reliant on any one spoke, the wheel would not be stable. But when we have many spokes, the wheel has tremendous strength.
10. One never knows where friendship will lead
Our society focuses SO much on romantic relationships and sexual relationships. People focus on "dating" and "exclusive relationships" as the path to marriage and long-term commitment. Yet, at least in my own life experience, most of the men who have wanted to marry me are long-time friends. These are relationships where a deep trust and respect has developed over the course of several years of low-pressure (non-dating) interactions. Often there was a period of time where the relationship started out "romantic," got too pressurized such that we backed off into a friendship, and then somehow persisted and deepened.
I am increasingly convinced that men don't marry for sex. In most cases, they don't marry the hot "turbo" girl. Men don't marry for superficial characteristics. I'm more and more convinced that most men marry a girl who is a really good friend. A girl who is so happy with her own life that she doesn't even think about marrying him, until she is shocked one day he starts talking about it out of the blue.
You heard it here first, folks. You're not going to hear this in Cosmo magazine. You're not going to hear it from most people giving dating advice.
Friendship is where it's at ...
************************************
So what to do if someone LJBFs us? Realize it's not a big deal, remember you can never have too many friends, change the subject, and talk about something interesting or fun. If you're more advanced at this and can handle subtlety ... talk about other people you're dating, not as a way to make them jealous but as a way to remove all the pressure (your intent is key here). Make it obvious (and be sincere about it) that your interest in this person is genuine -- that you see them as a human being, not as a romantic or sexual object. Once people are sincerely connecting, things tend to become a lot more relaxed, and then whatever's meant to happen will happen.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
"Harem Management" ... a Lose/Lose Proposition?
The topic of "harem management" is very triggering for me (meaning, it triggers a lot of anger and sadness) ... it seems to be a phrase that is seething with disrespect for women. Of course, I don't shy away from provocative topics on this blog ... and I feel compelled to explore this concept to get to the bottom of my intense feelings about it. I welcome input from my readers.
Anger is a fascinating emotion. Marshall Rosenberg has written much about it. Here is a little snippet from an interview with him:
KRYDER: Let's talk, for a moment, about anger. You devote an entire chapter in your book to expressing anger fully. We have heard that anger should not stay bottled up. How do you let it out in an appropriate way?
ROSENBERG: When you are angry, shut up, until you come back to life. You come back to life when you are conscious that you are not angry at what the other person did. You are angry because of the thinking that is racing through your head. We show people how to identify that thinking and then quickly translate it into the truth: the need that is not being met. When you are in touch with your needs, you cannot be angry. You will have strong feelings: fear, frustration, sadness, but not anger. Then, you are connected to life. Then, when you open your mouth, you are fully expressing what is going on in you.
INGLES: There are so many applications to what you are just describing. I found the example of the environmental activists, in your book, channeling their anger into empathy and specific requests, as an interesting example. This might also have application to political discourse, as well. It sounds like you're saying that a lot of the anger expressed openly at politicians, or companies, doesn't have much of a chance of getting an activist's needs met, really, if it's just expressed in anger.
ROSENBERG: We show people involved in social change that, if you really want to create change, we have to get rid of enemy images that make us angry. Realize that all of those enemy images are tragic representations of our needs. The idea is not to go out and punish bad guys. If we really are scared about what is happening, let us go and trust that these people have the same needs that we do. Let us show them other ways of getting everybody's needs met that are more effective and less costly.
We learn in non-violent communication (NVC) that anger is usually a cover-up for other emotions, typically hurt feelings, frustration, sadness, etc. This is why frequently when I use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) on my own or someone else's anger, once the anger dissolves, the next emotion that comes up is profound sadness.
So what is it about "harem management" that makes me angry and sad?
Fundamentally, it is my concern that what "harem management" really boils down to is a man meeting his needs at the expense of the needs of the women with whom he is involved. Which ultimately won't really be satisfying for him, either, because win/lose will eventually turn into lose/lose.
It makes me wonder if the only form of polyamory that I truly endorse is platonic polyamory.
Here is a passage from Patricia Allen that has always resonated with me very deeply:
A sensitive woman whose goal is a committed relationship is usually intuitively aware of the possible mistake of "going all the way" with a man whose agenda is unknown to her, and she will be reluctant to have casual sex without knowing why she feels that way. If she overrides her natural apprehension and "goes for it," she soon finds herself in the pain of a relationship that is not fulfilling.
...
I helped [a client] to realize that the loss of a man who leaves when you say no to casual sex or other requests to "perform" can be painful but not hurtful. What is hurtful is for a woman to give of herself totally and find out that it is still not enough.
...
A man is a man. ... He must be required to blend both [his human side and his animal instincts] by a woman who is so confident and in sync with herself that she will refuse him sex until she can be certain of his commitment. For it is that sense of security and safety that allows her to surrender to the man who shows her he wants her so much that he is willing to voluntarily give up his drive to have sexual relations with many women.
James Dobson talks about this in his book too.
As long as [a man] is permitted to be "torn between two lovers," he can postpone a commitment and play one [girl] against the other. That shatters everyone involved.
Thus, Dr. Dobson advises:
[M]ake it clear to [a man] that he can't have you and a harem too, and that he must make a choice between his lust and his love.
I see and hear the other perspectives on this issue, and yet I seem to keep gravitating back to this one.
My friend Czech Girl and I talked about this last night. We see women in these situations who seem happy at first but end up on a painful rollercoaster ride and never feel true peace, security, and contentment.
I don't like the idea of "possessing" anyone, but I do like the idea of commitment. I think of how many things in our lives wouldn't work if we didn't have the ability to commit ... things as basic as owning a car or a home (which is a commitment to take care of it) or having a pet (which is also a commitment to take care of it). These sorts of commitments are not burdensome to me. They are deeply rewarding. They provide the foundation for longer lasting relationships (and, yes, I do consider my relationships with inanimate objects and animals to be important relationships -- how we treat anything is how we treat everything).
So ... despite my fascination with the topic, I've started to wonder if polyamory is yet another excuse we use to avoid true intimacy. After all, it's much more convenient to turn to another person than it is to stay in connection and resolve issues where they are ... I know a married man who has kept his extremely painful and dysfunctional marriage "alive" by doing exactly that, over and over again, at the expense of many people's happiness, including his own.
It would be great to hear other people's perspectives on this ... help me reconcile my very mixed feelings ...
Anger is a fascinating emotion. Marshall Rosenberg has written much about it. Here is a little snippet from an interview with him:
KRYDER: Let's talk, for a moment, about anger. You devote an entire chapter in your book to expressing anger fully. We have heard that anger should not stay bottled up. How do you let it out in an appropriate way?
ROSENBERG: When you are angry, shut up, until you come back to life. You come back to life when you are conscious that you are not angry at what the other person did. You are angry because of the thinking that is racing through your head. We show people how to identify that thinking and then quickly translate it into the truth: the need that is not being met. When you are in touch with your needs, you cannot be angry. You will have strong feelings: fear, frustration, sadness, but not anger. Then, you are connected to life. Then, when you open your mouth, you are fully expressing what is going on in you.
INGLES: There are so many applications to what you are just describing. I found the example of the environmental activists, in your book, channeling their anger into empathy and specific requests, as an interesting example. This might also have application to political discourse, as well. It sounds like you're saying that a lot of the anger expressed openly at politicians, or companies, doesn't have much of a chance of getting an activist's needs met, really, if it's just expressed in anger.
ROSENBERG: We show people involved in social change that, if you really want to create change, we have to get rid of enemy images that make us angry. Realize that all of those enemy images are tragic representations of our needs. The idea is not to go out and punish bad guys. If we really are scared about what is happening, let us go and trust that these people have the same needs that we do. Let us show them other ways of getting everybody's needs met that are more effective and less costly.
We learn in non-violent communication (NVC) that anger is usually a cover-up for other emotions, typically hurt feelings, frustration, sadness, etc. This is why frequently when I use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) on my own or someone else's anger, once the anger dissolves, the next emotion that comes up is profound sadness.
So what is it about "harem management" that makes me angry and sad?
Fundamentally, it is my concern that what "harem management" really boils down to is a man meeting his needs at the expense of the needs of the women with whom he is involved. Which ultimately won't really be satisfying for him, either, because win/lose will eventually turn into lose/lose.
It makes me wonder if the only form of polyamory that I truly endorse is platonic polyamory.
Here is a passage from Patricia Allen that has always resonated with me very deeply:
A sensitive woman whose goal is a committed relationship is usually intuitively aware of the possible mistake of "going all the way" with a man whose agenda is unknown to her, and she will be reluctant to have casual sex without knowing why she feels that way. If she overrides her natural apprehension and "goes for it," she soon finds herself in the pain of a relationship that is not fulfilling.
...
I helped [a client] to realize that the loss of a man who leaves when you say no to casual sex or other requests to "perform" can be painful but not hurtful. What is hurtful is for a woman to give of herself totally and find out that it is still not enough.
...
A man is a man. ... He must be required to blend both [his human side and his animal instincts] by a woman who is so confident and in sync with herself that she will refuse him sex until she can be certain of his commitment. For it is that sense of security and safety that allows her to surrender to the man who shows her he wants her so much that he is willing to voluntarily give up his drive to have sexual relations with many women.
James Dobson talks about this in his book too.
As long as [a man] is permitted to be "torn between two lovers," he can postpone a commitment and play one [girl] against the other. That shatters everyone involved.
Thus, Dr. Dobson advises:
[M]ake it clear to [a man] that he can't have you and a harem too, and that he must make a choice between his lust and his love.
I see and hear the other perspectives on this issue, and yet I seem to keep gravitating back to this one.
My friend Czech Girl and I talked about this last night. We see women in these situations who seem happy at first but end up on a painful rollercoaster ride and never feel true peace, security, and contentment.
I don't like the idea of "possessing" anyone, but I do like the idea of commitment. I think of how many things in our lives wouldn't work if we didn't have the ability to commit ... things as basic as owning a car or a home (which is a commitment to take care of it) or having a pet (which is also a commitment to take care of it). These sorts of commitments are not burdensome to me. They are deeply rewarding. They provide the foundation for longer lasting relationships (and, yes, I do consider my relationships with inanimate objects and animals to be important relationships -- how we treat anything is how we treat everything).
So ... despite my fascination with the topic, I've started to wonder if polyamory is yet another excuse we use to avoid true intimacy. After all, it's much more convenient to turn to another person than it is to stay in connection and resolve issues where they are ... I know a married man who has kept his extremely painful and dysfunctional marriage "alive" by doing exactly that, over and over again, at the expense of many people's happiness, including his own.
It would be great to hear other people's perspectives on this ... help me reconcile my very mixed feelings ...
Friday, May 22, 2009
Zen Love or Tough Love?
Before I get into the substance of today's post, a few cool things:
1. I received a wonderful e-mail from a reader who is about to graduate as a medical doctor (M.D.) and is studying neuroscience. He shared with me that my Emotional Freedom Technique ("EFT") postings have inspired him more than I know! This makes me very happy :-)
2. For those who haven't yet tried EFT, which I've written articles about on this blog and posted a lot about on RSDN, you can learn the basic recipe here.
I also cannot emphasize enough how much more powerful EFT can be if you work WITH someone who knows what they're doing. I have an advanced EFT certificate, and for fun I do EFT on a regular basis with a friend of mine who also does EFT professionally. Last night we worked on some fears of intimacy, and I kid you not, the two guys she is interested in both called her within an hour after our session!!! That is how powerful EFT is.
If you want to learn more, email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
3. I'm also pleased to announce that Hristiyan (who was mentioned in an earlier blog post and has his own sexy website here) has invited me to his workshop in Los Angeles next weekend. I have heard amazing things about Hristiyan's deep inner game and transformational work, so I'm hoping to be able to attend and report back to you all about what we learn.
******************************
All right, now on to the substance of today's post: Zen Love or Tough Love? After reading yesterday's post about letting go, Player Girl sent me an excerpt from what looks like a cool book, called Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. Chapter Three has this Zen saying as a jumping off point:
"If he comes we welcome, if he goes we do not pursue."
What a great mantra! Of course, it's a bit of an oversimplification, because it's important to be willing to reach out to people and make oneself vulnerable in that way. But still ... what a beautiful saying.
Chapter Three of the Zen book goes on to talk about how we come into this world wanting to control everything and everyone, and how Zen is about relaxing our grip on people and things. It says:
"As we meditate, we learn to let each moment, each breath and each person be exactly as he is. ... We do not control or manipulate anything. This is the great work of doing nothing."
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) talks about this too: "I need do nothing."
The Zen chapter goes on to say this:
"We welcome anyone who comes, not with blame, demands or disappointment, but with the understanding that each person is a precious gift, given to us for a certain period of time. When the time comes for that person to depart, we honor his departure and do not pursue -- we do not create guilt or blame that he is departing. When others feel the respect and space this gives them, it opens the door for them to be all they can and creates a fertile ground and a safe place for love."
Now, I like this a lot, I like how relaxing and peaceful it sounds. And at the same time, I feel an inclination to balance it by saying that this does NOT mean to be a doormat. The Zen stuff is very powerful, but it is also powerful to be aware of and take action in situations that we cannot feel good about and tolerate. Even in those situations, though, we need to focus on the factors that are within our control, rather than on trying to control the other person.
So the Erika position is a blend of Zen on the one hand and James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough on the other hand. The Erika answer is to have soft vulnerability and loving toughness both available to us in any given moment.
Again, the perennial question, how do we know which is a situation for doing nothing and which is a situation to act decisively? When do we act with softness and when do we act with loving toughness? The only faithful answer I've found is to be fully present and flexible in each moment, and to become more and more attuned to our intuition.
ACIM has these two fascinating passages:
"Recognize what does not matter, and if your brothers ask you for something 'outrageous,' do it because it does not matter. Refuse, and your opposition establishes that it does matter to you. It is only you, therefore, who have made the request outrageous, and every request of a brother is for you. Why would you insist in denying him? For to do so is to deny yourself and impoverish both. He is asking for salvation, as you are. Poverty is of the ego, and never of God. No 'outrageous' requests can be made of one who recognizes what is valuable and wants to accept nothing else."
"The meaning of love is lost in any relationship that looks to weakness, and hopes to find love there. The power of love, which is its meaning, lies in the strength of God that hovers over it and blesses it silently by enveloping it in healing wings. Let this be, and do not try to substitute your 'miracle' for this. I have said that if a brother asks a foolish thing of you to do it. But be certain that this does not mean to do a foolish thing that would hurt either him or you, for what would hurt one will hurt the other. Foolish requests are foolish merely because they conflict, since they always contain some element of specialness. Only the Holy Spirit recognizes foolish needs as well as real ones. And He will teach you how to meet both without losing either."
1. I received a wonderful e-mail from a reader who is about to graduate as a medical doctor (M.D.) and is studying neuroscience. He shared with me that my Emotional Freedom Technique ("EFT") postings have inspired him more than I know! This makes me very happy :-)
2. For those who haven't yet tried EFT, which I've written articles about on this blog and posted a lot about on RSDN, you can learn the basic recipe here.
I also cannot emphasize enough how much more powerful EFT can be if you work WITH someone who knows what they're doing. I have an advanced EFT certificate, and for fun I do EFT on a regular basis with a friend of mine who also does EFT professionally. Last night we worked on some fears of intimacy, and I kid you not, the two guys she is interested in both called her within an hour after our session!!! That is how powerful EFT is.
If you want to learn more, email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
3. I'm also pleased to announce that Hristiyan (who was mentioned in an earlier blog post and has his own sexy website here) has invited me to his workshop in Los Angeles next weekend. I have heard amazing things about Hristiyan's deep inner game and transformational work, so I'm hoping to be able to attend and report back to you all about what we learn.
******************************
All right, now on to the substance of today's post: Zen Love or Tough Love? After reading yesterday's post about letting go, Player Girl sent me an excerpt from what looks like a cool book, called Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. Chapter Three has this Zen saying as a jumping off point:
"If he comes we welcome, if he goes we do not pursue."
What a great mantra! Of course, it's a bit of an oversimplification, because it's important to be willing to reach out to people and make oneself vulnerable in that way. But still ... what a beautiful saying.
Chapter Three of the Zen book goes on to talk about how we come into this world wanting to control everything and everyone, and how Zen is about relaxing our grip on people and things. It says:
"As we meditate, we learn to let each moment, each breath and each person be exactly as he is. ... We do not control or manipulate anything. This is the great work of doing nothing."
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) talks about this too: "I need do nothing."
The Zen chapter goes on to say this:
"We welcome anyone who comes, not with blame, demands or disappointment, but with the understanding that each person is a precious gift, given to us for a certain period of time. When the time comes for that person to depart, we honor his departure and do not pursue -- we do not create guilt or blame that he is departing. When others feel the respect and space this gives them, it opens the door for them to be all they can and creates a fertile ground and a safe place for love."
Now, I like this a lot, I like how relaxing and peaceful it sounds. And at the same time, I feel an inclination to balance it by saying that this does NOT mean to be a doormat. The Zen stuff is very powerful, but it is also powerful to be aware of and take action in situations that we cannot feel good about and tolerate. Even in those situations, though, we need to focus on the factors that are within our control, rather than on trying to control the other person.
So the Erika position is a blend of Zen on the one hand and James Dobson's Love Must Be Tough on the other hand. The Erika answer is to have soft vulnerability and loving toughness both available to us in any given moment.
Again, the perennial question, how do we know which is a situation for doing nothing and which is a situation to act decisively? When do we act with softness and when do we act with loving toughness? The only faithful answer I've found is to be fully present and flexible in each moment, and to become more and more attuned to our intuition.
ACIM has these two fascinating passages:
"Recognize what does not matter, and if your brothers ask you for something 'outrageous,' do it because it does not matter. Refuse, and your opposition establishes that it does matter to you. It is only you, therefore, who have made the request outrageous, and every request of a brother is for you. Why would you insist in denying him? For to do so is to deny yourself and impoverish both. He is asking for salvation, as you are. Poverty is of the ego, and never of God. No 'outrageous' requests can be made of one who recognizes what is valuable and wants to accept nothing else."
"The meaning of love is lost in any relationship that looks to weakness, and hopes to find love there. The power of love, which is its meaning, lies in the strength of God that hovers over it and blesses it silently by enveloping it in healing wings. Let this be, and do not try to substitute your 'miracle' for this. I have said that if a brother asks a foolish thing of you to do it. But be certain that this does not mean to do a foolish thing that would hurt either him or you, for what would hurt one will hurt the other. Foolish requests are foolish merely because they conflict, since they always contain some element of specialness. Only the Holy Spirit recognizes foolish needs as well as real ones. And He will teach you how to meet both without losing either."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The First Amendment
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances."
Lest we forget. The most precious of the Bill of Rights.
God's assurance that the ego would never prevail, and that the Voice of Truth will be heard throughout the world.
Lest we forget. The most precious of the Bill of Rights.
God's assurance that the ego would never prevail, and that the Voice of Truth will be heard throughout the world.
Whatever Happens Happens
I've never been to one of those 12-step programs, though I'd like to check one out sometime because it sounds like they are spiritually very profound. Mainly because the participants are able to get to a place of surrendering control, letting go and letting God. (Yes, ok, insert "Fight Club" joke here if you must.)
Lucky for me, my friend Player Girl provided me with the equivalent of a 12-step program last night. In the space of two hours, I went from mind chatter and anxiety to a feeling of deep peace and Presence. This reminds me of a bunch of quotations from A Course in Miracles (ACIM), so I'm going to share them in this post. They can be summed up, though, in this quick reminder phrase, "Whatever happens happens."
What my friend helped me see is that all my recent sadness comes from thinking that I know what "should" have happened. Yet, what I thought "should" have happened didn't happen, so it must not have been what should have happened. ACIM says this:
Only those who recognize they cannot know unless the effects of understanding are with them, can really learn at all. For this it must be peace they want, and nothing else. Whenever you think you know, peace will depart from you, because you have abandoned the Teacher of peace. Whenever you fully realize that you know not, peace will return, for you will have invited him to do so by abandoning the ego on behalf of him. Call not upon the ego for anything; it is only this that you need do. The Holy Spirit will, of himself, fill every mind that so makes room for him.
It was my thinking that I knew something, my fighting against the "what is," that led to my upset. Player Girl reminded me with a bunch of questions. She asked, "How do you know that the time is right? Maybe other things need to be resolved first. Maybe there are things you don't know. Maybe there's a better situation right around the corner."
All these questions opened up space.
ACIM says:
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good? Perhaps you have misunderstood His plan, for He would never offer pain to you. But your defenses did not let you see His loving blessing shine in every step you ever took. While you made plans for death, He led you gently to eternal life.
Your present trust in Him is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality. Let no defenses but your present trust direct the future, and this life becomes a meaningful encounter with the truth that only your defenses would conceal.
Without defenses, you become a light ...
So then I realized ... that all my sadness was coming not from anything real but from my attachment to a particular plan of action. Yet if that plan of action hasn't come to fruition, there must be a cosmic reason. It must not have been the right plan. There must be a better plan, which I must inevitably be living my way into right now ...
Suddenly, I felt so much lighter. It seemed so obvious. Why couldn't I see it before? I don't know what should have happened. And I don't know what should happen now. I don't really know anything.
Player Girl also reminded me that the other person involved in this situation needs to find his own peace and that my putting pressure of any kind doesn't help either one of us. When she talked about that, I realized, yeah, I already knew that. I was transported back in time a few months to a conversation that I'd had with him where I even said that, told him I wanted him to honor the situation he was in and be at peace about it, and he had expressed gratitude to me about that willingness on my part. Suddenly, I was able to find that space again, and realized I don't want things to be rushed or artificially resolved. I want everything to happen organically in its own time. How had I forgotten something so simple?
ACIM says: "It will be given you to see your brother's worth, when all you want for him is peace."
My favorite part of the evening was when Player Girl said this: "You know, I'm just telling you right now all the things you have taught me over the past couple of years."
And that reminds me of this ACIM quotation, which moves me to tears:
Thus is your healing everything the world requires, that it may be healed. It needs one lesson that has perfectly been learned. And then, when you forget it, will the world remind you gently of what you have taught. No reinforcement will its thanks withhold from you who let yourself be healed, that it might live. It will call forth its witnesses to show the Face of Christ to you who brought the sight to them, by which they witnessed it. The world of accusation is replaced by one in which all eyes look lovingly upon the Friend who brought them their release. And happily your brother will perceive the many friends he thought were enemies.
Thank you, Player Girl, for releasing me from the clutches of the ego :-)
A place of surrender: Whatever happens happens.
Oh, I almost forgot ... (credit Entropy)
Synchronicity: my friend Manwhore posted about the same topic on his blog: see it HERE.
Lucky for me, my friend Player Girl provided me with the equivalent of a 12-step program last night. In the space of two hours, I went from mind chatter and anxiety to a feeling of deep peace and Presence. This reminds me of a bunch of quotations from A Course in Miracles (ACIM), so I'm going to share them in this post. They can be summed up, though, in this quick reminder phrase, "Whatever happens happens."
What my friend helped me see is that all my recent sadness comes from thinking that I know what "should" have happened. Yet, what I thought "should" have happened didn't happen, so it must not have been what should have happened. ACIM says this:
Only those who recognize they cannot know unless the effects of understanding are with them, can really learn at all. For this it must be peace they want, and nothing else. Whenever you think you know, peace will depart from you, because you have abandoned the Teacher of peace. Whenever you fully realize that you know not, peace will return, for you will have invited him to do so by abandoning the ego on behalf of him. Call not upon the ego for anything; it is only this that you need do. The Holy Spirit will, of himself, fill every mind that so makes room for him.
It was my thinking that I knew something, my fighting against the "what is," that led to my upset. Player Girl reminded me with a bunch of questions. She asked, "How do you know that the time is right? Maybe other things need to be resolved first. Maybe there are things you don't know. Maybe there's a better situation right around the corner."
All these questions opened up space.
ACIM says:
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good? Perhaps you have misunderstood His plan, for He would never offer pain to you. But your defenses did not let you see His loving blessing shine in every step you ever took. While you made plans for death, He led you gently to eternal life.
Your present trust in Him is the defense that promises a future undisturbed, without a trace of sorrow, and with joy that constantly increases, as this life becomes a holy instant, set in time, but heeding only immortality. Let no defenses but your present trust direct the future, and this life becomes a meaningful encounter with the truth that only your defenses would conceal.
Without defenses, you become a light ...
So then I realized ... that all my sadness was coming not from anything real but from my attachment to a particular plan of action. Yet if that plan of action hasn't come to fruition, there must be a cosmic reason. It must not have been the right plan. There must be a better plan, which I must inevitably be living my way into right now ...
Suddenly, I felt so much lighter. It seemed so obvious. Why couldn't I see it before? I don't know what should have happened. And I don't know what should happen now. I don't really know anything.
Player Girl also reminded me that the other person involved in this situation needs to find his own peace and that my putting pressure of any kind doesn't help either one of us. When she talked about that, I realized, yeah, I already knew that. I was transported back in time a few months to a conversation that I'd had with him where I even said that, told him I wanted him to honor the situation he was in and be at peace about it, and he had expressed gratitude to me about that willingness on my part. Suddenly, I was able to find that space again, and realized I don't want things to be rushed or artificially resolved. I want everything to happen organically in its own time. How had I forgotten something so simple?
ACIM says: "It will be given you to see your brother's worth, when all you want for him is peace."
My favorite part of the evening was when Player Girl said this: "You know, I'm just telling you right now all the things you have taught me over the past couple of years."
And that reminds me of this ACIM quotation, which moves me to tears:
Thus is your healing everything the world requires, that it may be healed. It needs one lesson that has perfectly been learned. And then, when you forget it, will the world remind you gently of what you have taught. No reinforcement will its thanks withhold from you who let yourself be healed, that it might live. It will call forth its witnesses to show the Face of Christ to you who brought the sight to them, by which they witnessed it. The world of accusation is replaced by one in which all eyes look lovingly upon the Friend who brought them their release. And happily your brother will perceive the many friends he thought were enemies.
Thank you, Player Girl, for releasing me from the clutches of the ego :-)
A place of surrender: Whatever happens happens.
Oh, I almost forgot ... (credit Entropy)
Synchronicity: my friend Manwhore posted about the same topic on his blog: see it HERE.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Being Irrepressible ... plus Erika takes some lovers?
So today, someone said he thinks I am "dramatic." To which I say ...
Yes, I am the most dramatic person EVER.
(credit Brad P.)
If by DRAMATIC, you mean alive ... vibrant ... surfing the ocean of emotions ... expressive ... and irrepressible ... then yes, I am dramatic.
(credit Jlaix)
I wouldn't trade my irrepressibility for the world.
******************************
So I was out with Hristiyan last night. For those who are not familiar, he is a dating coach of sorts who used to be with Pickup 101 and whose specialty is inner transformation. Very soon after sitting down, I felt our energies move into that beautiful, deep field of Presence. Where you feel a glow inside and everything seems to be kinda moving in slow motion. I used to be in that space a lot. It made me realize how I haven't been in that space very much lately.
And Hristiyan asked me ... he asked,
What part of you is unavailable that you would date men who are unavailable? why would you take a lover in Boston when you can take a lover here?
Mmmm... provocative.
Now this dovetails with another recent conversation. I've been heading in the direction of marriage and children, and a friend of mine (who also happens to be a beloved dating coach) said to me:
If you’re going to bind yourself to sex with one man for the rest of your life you’d better check out sex with him beforehand, and if you don’t feel the potential there, you’d better have some fun beforehand with other men so you can settle down without “settling.” Just get your priorities straight and you’ll make the right decision. Being married is very, very cool. All of a sudden you feel free and supported to be your best self. A man who adores you and wants you to be as powerful and amazing as you can be is at the very, very top of the list. ... Go for a man who is SO on your team he’s pretty much team leader for “Team -Make Erika the greatest, happiest woman in the world.”
The words she said kept echoing today: "You'd better have some fun beforehand."
Lol :-)
And suddenly I realized ... that perhaps the way to integrate all of this ... is to take several lovers ... right here, right now. Maybe I don't need to have sex with them. Maybe it could be "almost sex."
I've been really intrigued about exploring tantra, and now I learn that some of my favorite guys are interested in exploring it also. Maybe I can find the white light again, like in January.
Anyway, for a little bit there, I couldn't breathe, I felt so much like I have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. And then when I started imagining this new scenario ... space opened up ... I felt so much lighter ... it just got me thinking ... and day-dreaming ;-)
This could be fun ... and maybe not so scary after all ...
Yes, I am the most dramatic person EVER.
(credit Brad P.)
If by DRAMATIC, you mean alive ... vibrant ... surfing the ocean of emotions ... expressive ... and irrepressible ... then yes, I am dramatic.
(credit Jlaix)
I wouldn't trade my irrepressibility for the world.
******************************
So I was out with Hristiyan last night. For those who are not familiar, he is a dating coach of sorts who used to be with Pickup 101 and whose specialty is inner transformation. Very soon after sitting down, I felt our energies move into that beautiful, deep field of Presence. Where you feel a glow inside and everything seems to be kinda moving in slow motion. I used to be in that space a lot. It made me realize how I haven't been in that space very much lately.
And Hristiyan asked me ... he asked,
What part of you is unavailable that you would date men who are unavailable? why would you take a lover in Boston when you can take a lover here?
Mmmm... provocative.
Now this dovetails with another recent conversation. I've been heading in the direction of marriage and children, and a friend of mine (who also happens to be a beloved dating coach) said to me:
If you’re going to bind yourself to sex with one man for the rest of your life you’d better check out sex with him beforehand, and if you don’t feel the potential there, you’d better have some fun beforehand with other men so you can settle down without “settling.” Just get your priorities straight and you’ll make the right decision. Being married is very, very cool. All of a sudden you feel free and supported to be your best self. A man who adores you and wants you to be as powerful and amazing as you can be is at the very, very top of the list. ... Go for a man who is SO on your team he’s pretty much team leader for “Team -Make Erika the greatest, happiest woman in the world.”
The words she said kept echoing today: "You'd better have some fun beforehand."
Lol :-)
And suddenly I realized ... that perhaps the way to integrate all of this ... is to take several lovers ... right here, right now. Maybe I don't need to have sex with them. Maybe it could be "almost sex."
I've been really intrigued about exploring tantra, and now I learn that some of my favorite guys are interested in exploring it also. Maybe I can find the white light again, like in January.
Anyway, for a little bit there, I couldn't breathe, I felt so much like I have to make a decision RIGHT NOW. And then when I started imagining this new scenario ... space opened up ... I felt so much lighter ... it just got me thinking ... and day-dreaming ;-)
This could be fun ... and maybe not so scary after all ...
Charm
So you all know I like to share real life examples of cute, romantic things that guys say that melt my heart. Of course these things must be said in the context of a balanced "push-pull" type of flirtation, but this line is a keeper:
"And did you have the intuitive foresight to only get a one-way ticket? ;-)"
Smile :-)
"And did you have the intuitive foresight to only get a one-way ticket? ;-)"
Smile :-)
Monday, May 18, 2009
Some great articles by other bloggers ...
Some people in the community have been writing some fantastic articles lately, and I wanted to share a couple with you:
GoneSavage has been taking an NVC class and has condensed his insights into an article that I think literally EVERY community guy needs to read: GoneSavage's article here. It shows how assertive, unapologetic communication is effective and more sexy!
Cameron Teone has been on fire lately, with a bunch of awesome blog posts. I want to highlight this one. If the community (or at least some people in it) has anything to offer guys, it is to move them from their head to their heart, to the emotional plane where -- despite appearances -- all real decisions are being made. Cameron says it like this:
"In my experience, most of the guys who seek dating advice on the Internet are often very logical, right-brain oriented people. Part of my goal is an attempt to bridge that gap between the expressive side of the brain and the analytical side."
Much of what I write on this blog has that same goal, to bridge the gap between the logical mind (head) and the emotional intelligence (heart).
*****************************
p.s. I bought my ticket to Austin today, and a lot of people have been contacting me to connect while I'm there. I get to see Zan teach more in depth. And GoneSavage and I will finally get to meet too. All very exciting!
GoneSavage has been taking an NVC class and has condensed his insights into an article that I think literally EVERY community guy needs to read: GoneSavage's article here. It shows how assertive, unapologetic communication is effective and more sexy!
Cameron Teone has been on fire lately, with a bunch of awesome blog posts. I want to highlight this one. If the community (or at least some people in it) has anything to offer guys, it is to move them from their head to their heart, to the emotional plane where -- despite appearances -- all real decisions are being made. Cameron says it like this:
"In my experience, most of the guys who seek dating advice on the Internet are often very logical, right-brain oriented people. Part of my goal is an attempt to bridge that gap between the expressive side of the brain and the analytical side."
Much of what I write on this blog has that same goal, to bridge the gap between the logical mind (head) and the emotional intelligence (heart).
*****************************
p.s. I bought my ticket to Austin today, and a lot of people have been contacting me to connect while I'm there. I get to see Zan teach more in depth. And GoneSavage and I will finally get to meet too. All very exciting!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Polyamory postscript
Do you know what pisses me off the most about yesterday's article? It's how much I get turned on reading this line: "males show continuously high sexual performance given the introduction of new receptive females."
I really do try to pointedly mind my own business around here and cordon myself off from certain influences, such as my sex drive and certain blogs. Lol :-)
Thanks a lot, Entropy.
I really do try to pointedly mind my own business around here and cordon myself off from certain influences, such as my sex drive and certain blogs. Lol :-)
Thanks a lot, Entropy.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Polyamory - Share your experiences with me!
I've written about my ideal relationship on this blog before.
Here's something I've noticed lately. If I'm feeling really connected and safe with a guy, then the idea of him being with other women actually turns me on! It seems exciting and interesting and a way for me to connect more deeply with him.
Whereas, if I start to feel less connected or fearful, then the idea of it is horrifying, and I don't want to hear about it, and I kinda shut down.
So I'm really curious what other people's experiences have been with this ... please share by commenting. Thank you!
Here's something I've noticed lately. If I'm feeling really connected and safe with a guy, then the idea of him being with other women actually turns me on! It seems exciting and interesting and a way for me to connect more deeply with him.
Whereas, if I start to feel less connected or fearful, then the idea of it is horrifying, and I don't want to hear about it, and I kinda shut down.
So I'm really curious what other people's experiences have been with this ... please share by commenting. Thank you!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Austin Adventures Await Us!
Our Austin Seduction Adventure trip is shaping up quickly, everyone! I can already tell there are going to be some good stories after the trip, which of course will be published here on the blog.
As already announced, I'll be attending Zan's Ars Amorata program on June 6. This is the kick-off day for Zan's 90-day program that teaches men how to connect better with women.
Now ... we also have some other adventures in the works. First off, it looks like there may be an opportunity for me to meet Adam Lyons and some of his coaches. Second, our dear Gone Savage has offered to play tour guide for Miss Erika :-) If we're really lucky, maybe we can also persuade El Topo to join us for the weekend.
So ... how can I help but get myself in at least a little bit of trouble? Stay tuned ... ;-)
As already announced, I'll be attending Zan's Ars Amorata program on June 6. This is the kick-off day for Zan's 90-day program that teaches men how to connect better with women.
Now ... we also have some other adventures in the works. First off, it looks like there may be an opportunity for me to meet Adam Lyons and some of his coaches. Second, our dear Gone Savage has offered to play tour guide for Miss Erika :-) If we're really lucky, maybe we can also persuade El Topo to join us for the weekend.
So ... how can I help but get myself in at least a little bit of trouble? Stay tuned ... ;-)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
We launched Project Congruence last night :-)
Yep, we finally launched Project Congruence.
I was finally able to get Crystal Grid Guy (who videotaped) and our first participant (we'll call him Vagabond Guy because he's about to set off vagabonding) together for an evening.
I interviewed Vagabond Guy for quite a while before we began working with his belief system. I asked him what stops him from approaching attractive women in clubs. Here are some of the beliefs we worked on with Vagabond Guy:
- If he approaches a "mixed set" (i.e., a group of girls and guys), he feels like he is "stealing" the girl from the guy
- Sometimes he "dumbs down" his game because he doesn't want someone else to feel bad if they "lose"
- He worries a lot about being "rude" (his mom often told him "Don't do that. It's rude.")
- He worries a lot about his "social value" and whether it is up or down
What he wants in his life is to feel free to be himself rather than worry what other people are going to think of him.
I taught him Emotional Freedom Technique (which I've written much about on this blog, including HERE in the comments section), and we did a lot of work with his inner conflicts (i.e., part of him wants one thing, and another part is holding back for some reason).
I've asked him to report back in a few weeks to let us know how he is doing.
xoxo,
Erika
I was finally able to get Crystal Grid Guy (who videotaped) and our first participant (we'll call him Vagabond Guy because he's about to set off vagabonding) together for an evening.
I interviewed Vagabond Guy for quite a while before we began working with his belief system. I asked him what stops him from approaching attractive women in clubs. Here are some of the beliefs we worked on with Vagabond Guy:
- If he approaches a "mixed set" (i.e., a group of girls and guys), he feels like he is "stealing" the girl from the guy
- Sometimes he "dumbs down" his game because he doesn't want someone else to feel bad if they "lose"
- He worries a lot about being "rude" (his mom often told him "Don't do that. It's rude.")
- He worries a lot about his "social value" and whether it is up or down
What he wants in his life is to feel free to be himself rather than worry what other people are going to think of him.
I taught him Emotional Freedom Technique (which I've written much about on this blog, including HERE in the comments section), and we did a lot of work with his inner conflicts (i.e., part of him wants one thing, and another part is holding back for some reason).
I've asked him to report back in a few weeks to let us know how he is doing.
xoxo,
Erika
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Zan Perrion's Ars Amorata Program - Austin - June 6
Hey everybody,
It looks like I'm going to be attending this program in Austin on June 6. As anyone knows who reads this blog regularly, I love Zan. And Zan loves women. Sincerely. It is obvious spending any time with him at all that he loves women as friends and as people AND as sensual feminine beings.
Here's the link for the program.
Also, since I've been feeling a teeny bit "closed down" for the past month or so, my intuition says that attending this program will open me back up a little bit. It'll be a chance to go deep again and bask in the company of men. :-)
If anyone will be in Austin that weekend and want to have Emotional Freedom Techhnique ("EFT") sessions, coaching, or just hang out, please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
(Actually, come to think of it, EFT would be an awesome complement to these seminars because it vastly accelerates the internalization of new beliefs ...)
Also, please remember to get your tickets for the 21 Convention. Among other people, my friend Manwhore will be speaking (he was added to my blogroll this week, so be sure to check him out).
xoxo,
Erika
It looks like I'm going to be attending this program in Austin on June 6. As anyone knows who reads this blog regularly, I love Zan. And Zan loves women. Sincerely. It is obvious spending any time with him at all that he loves women as friends and as people AND as sensual feminine beings.
Here's the link for the program.
Also, since I've been feeling a teeny bit "closed down" for the past month or so, my intuition says that attending this program will open me back up a little bit. It'll be a chance to go deep again and bask in the company of men. :-)
If anyone will be in Austin that weekend and want to have Emotional Freedom Techhnique ("EFT") sessions, coaching, or just hang out, please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
(Actually, come to think of it, EFT would be an awesome complement to these seminars because it vastly accelerates the internalization of new beliefs ...)
Also, please remember to get your tickets for the 21 Convention. Among other people, my friend Manwhore will be speaking (he was added to my blogroll this week, so be sure to check him out).
xoxo,
Erika
Monday, May 11, 2009
Exploring the Edge: Soft Vulnerability or Loving Toughness
So I've been exploring this edge recently, between soft vulnerability and loving toughness.
What do I mean by soft vulnerability? I mean full-on openness, a willingness to be adventurous and do "crazy" things, like meet a man who lives across the country from me, like sharing with the world things that I once considered "private," like telling someone when I feel upset instead of hiding it, like smiling at strangers on the street. All of these things feel great anytime I am feeling a lot of trust, in myself, in a guy, in a situation, in God. And when I feel a lot of Presence.
What do I mean by loving toughness? Well, I immediately thought of this article that I wrote way back when, which contains a small example of bringing a conversation back to Presence. In that situation, I interrupted the dialogue and brought it back to presence by being honest rather than being "nice." Loving toughness is something that comes into play when any situation is no longer in full Presence. Perhaps it's a situation where I have been open and vulnerable about my feelings and concerns, and the other person has not responded with anything that feels better to me. If I don't do something "tough" at that point, the situation is likely to move even farther away from Presence, into bickering or resentment, etc.
I wanted to share an excerpt from a book that I think has a lot to say about basic relationship dynamics: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Here's what he has to say:
"The best way of keeping a [relationship] healthy is to maintain a system of mutual accountability, within the context of love. Speaking personally, the secret of my beautiful relationship with Shirley for the past forty-plus years has involved a careful protection of the 'line of respect' between us. This is a difficult concept to convey, and its function is different from one personality to another. Perhaps by explaining how it operates between Shirley and me, I can help the reader adapt the principle to his own circumstances.
"Suppose I work in my office two hours longer than usual on a particular night, knowing Shirley is preparing a special candlelight dinner. The phone sits there on my desk, but I lack the concern to make a brief call to explain. As the evening wears on, Shirley wraps the cold food in foil and puts it in the refrigerator. Then suppose when I finally get home, I do not apologize. Instead, I sit down with a newspaper and abruptly tell Shirley to get my dinner ready. You can bet there'll be a few minutes of fireworks in the Dobson household. Shirley will rightfully interpret my behavior as insulting and will move to defend the 'line of respect' between us. We will talk it out, and next time I'll be more considerate.
"Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose Shirley knows I need the car at 2 p.m. for some important purpose, but she deliberately keeps me waiting. Perhaps she sits in a restaurant with a lady friend, drinking coffee and talking. Meanwhile, I'm pacing the floor at home wondering where she is. It is very likely that my lovely wife will hear about my dissatisfaction when she gets home. The 'line of respect' has been violated, even though the offense was minor.
"This is what I mean by mutual accountability. Such minor conflict in a marriage plays a positive role in establishing what is and is not acceptable behavior. Some instances of disrespect are petty, like the two examples I gave, but when they are permitted to pass unnoticed, two things happen. First, the offender is unaware that he has stepped over the line and is likely to repeat the indiscretion later. In fact, he may go farther into the other person's territory the next time. Second, the person who felt insulted then internalizes the small irritation rather than spilling it out. As the interpretation of disrespect grows and the corresponding agitation accumulates in a storage tank, the stage is set for an eventual explosion, rather than a series of minor ventilations.
"What I'm saying is that some things are worth fighting over, and at the top of the list is the 'line of respect.' Most of my conflicts with Shirley have occurred over some behavior that one of us interpreted as unhealthy to the relationship. Shirley may say to me, in effect, 'Jim, what you did was selfish, and I can't let it pass.' She is careful not to insult me in the confrontation, keeping her criticism focused on the behavior to which she objected.
"A workable system of checks and balances of this nature helps a couple keep their marriage on course for a marathon rather than a sprint."
What do I mean by soft vulnerability? I mean full-on openness, a willingness to be adventurous and do "crazy" things, like meet a man who lives across the country from me, like sharing with the world things that I once considered "private," like telling someone when I feel upset instead of hiding it, like smiling at strangers on the street. All of these things feel great anytime I am feeling a lot of trust, in myself, in a guy, in a situation, in God. And when I feel a lot of Presence.
What do I mean by loving toughness? Well, I immediately thought of this article that I wrote way back when, which contains a small example of bringing a conversation back to Presence. In that situation, I interrupted the dialogue and brought it back to presence by being honest rather than being "nice." Loving toughness is something that comes into play when any situation is no longer in full Presence. Perhaps it's a situation where I have been open and vulnerable about my feelings and concerns, and the other person has not responded with anything that feels better to me. If I don't do something "tough" at that point, the situation is likely to move even farther away from Presence, into bickering or resentment, etc.
I wanted to share an excerpt from a book that I think has a lot to say about basic relationship dynamics: Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Here's what he has to say:
"The best way of keeping a [relationship] healthy is to maintain a system of mutual accountability, within the context of love. Speaking personally, the secret of my beautiful relationship with Shirley for the past forty-plus years has involved a careful protection of the 'line of respect' between us. This is a difficult concept to convey, and its function is different from one personality to another. Perhaps by explaining how it operates between Shirley and me, I can help the reader adapt the principle to his own circumstances.
"Suppose I work in my office two hours longer than usual on a particular night, knowing Shirley is preparing a special candlelight dinner. The phone sits there on my desk, but I lack the concern to make a brief call to explain. As the evening wears on, Shirley wraps the cold food in foil and puts it in the refrigerator. Then suppose when I finally get home, I do not apologize. Instead, I sit down with a newspaper and abruptly tell Shirley to get my dinner ready. You can bet there'll be a few minutes of fireworks in the Dobson household. Shirley will rightfully interpret my behavior as insulting and will move to defend the 'line of respect' between us. We will talk it out, and next time I'll be more considerate.
"Let's put the shoe on the other foot. Suppose Shirley knows I need the car at 2 p.m. for some important purpose, but she deliberately keeps me waiting. Perhaps she sits in a restaurant with a lady friend, drinking coffee and talking. Meanwhile, I'm pacing the floor at home wondering where she is. It is very likely that my lovely wife will hear about my dissatisfaction when she gets home. The 'line of respect' has been violated, even though the offense was minor.
"This is what I mean by mutual accountability. Such minor conflict in a marriage plays a positive role in establishing what is and is not acceptable behavior. Some instances of disrespect are petty, like the two examples I gave, but when they are permitted to pass unnoticed, two things happen. First, the offender is unaware that he has stepped over the line and is likely to repeat the indiscretion later. In fact, he may go farther into the other person's territory the next time. Second, the person who felt insulted then internalizes the small irritation rather than spilling it out. As the interpretation of disrespect grows and the corresponding agitation accumulates in a storage tank, the stage is set for an eventual explosion, rather than a series of minor ventilations.
"What I'm saying is that some things are worth fighting over, and at the top of the list is the 'line of respect.' Most of my conflicts with Shirley have occurred over some behavior that one of us interpreted as unhealthy to the relationship. Shirley may say to me, in effect, 'Jim, what you did was selfish, and I can't let it pass.' She is careful not to insult me in the confrontation, keeping her criticism focused on the behavior to which she objected.
"A workable system of checks and balances of this nature helps a couple keep their marriage on course for a marathon rather than a sprint."
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Voices of Pain: Unraveling Judgments and Finding our Feelings and Unmet Needs
"The crucified give pain because they are in pain. But the redeemed give joy because they have been healed of pain. Everyone gives as he receives, but he must choose what it will be that he receives. And he will recognize his choice by what he gives, and what is given him. Nor is it given anything in hell or Heaven to interfere with his decision." - ACIM
I wanted to address two comments that I received in response to the Entropy and My Kitten post. When I received these comments, I immediately thought of a post I wrote way back when about the importance of not labeling people. These comments feel like what I've done myself many times, which is to wrap up a lot of assumptions in a few words, and go from zero to 100 mph in five seconds flat.
These commenters are in pain. How do I know that? Because the comments are filled with judgments, and whenever we (myself included) get into the realm of judgment, we are in pain. No, I am not going to equivocate on this one and say something like "well, everyone is on their own path." That is true of course, but it is also true that judgment of self or others leads to one place, and one place only: a place called Pain.
Let's first take the comment from Anonymous:
good lord what a charmed life you've lead. this is your "huge trauma"? Try getting brain cancer doing radiation and chemo... you have no idea what real trauma is.
I don't know anything about Anonymous. Anonymous is posting anonymously (presumably) because he or she is scared to reveal him or herself. Which is fine. I appreciate all of the anonymous comments (well, almost all of them ;-).
Notice how many assumptions are in Anonymous' comment:
1. Assumes I have led a "charmed life"
2. Assumes that whatever I've experienced in my life is less painful than "brain cancer doing radiation and chemo"
3. Assumes I have no idea what "real trauma" is.
4. Assumes because I wrote a blog post about my kitten that this particular episode is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
Let's dig a little deeper. What does "charmed life" mean? Does it mean "has experienced less pain than other people"?
What does "real trauma" mean? Do we measure it in decibels or years? Does the kitten episode count if it blocked me from having an intimate relationship for most of my entire life, or does that not count as pain? Are some people entitled to feel their pain and others not?
And now what about cancer? Does Anonymous realize that cancer is caused by exactly the sort of trauma I wrote about -- unresolved emotional garbage that festers so long it turns into disease? Does Anonymous know that I nearly died a few years ago in an incredibly painful way?
Now I'm going to make what we call in non-violent communication an empathetic guess about where Anonymous was emotionally when making this comment:
Something in my post triggered pain for Anonymous. Perhaps it is very painful for Anonymous to see me express my own pain and have it be heard publicly because Anonymous has pains that feel enormous to him/her that have never been heard or received any empathy.
What I hear behind Anonymous' words is this:
"I've felt so much pain in my life, and I have seen others be in so much pain, that it hurts when I read your words. It hurts because your pain is being seen and heard and witnessed by others. My pain feels so much larger than I imagine yours to be, in part because my pain has never been expressed or witnessed. I am not able to acknowledge the enormity of the pain you experienced because my own pain has never been acknowledged. I am in so much need of empathy myself that I cannot give empathy to you."
That's what I hear. I may be off base, we don't know because we're not in a live conversation with Anonymous. What I hear from Anonymous are a large number of unmet needs: for empathy, for acknowledgment, for healing, to be seen and heard.
Okay, now let's turn to SMoKeLioN's comment:
"Is it brave to go hungry for years waiting for a feast that might not come? The idea that you can deny yourself and your urges to reach a greater satisfaction... a very disgustingly catholic thing to do."
Again, what are the assumptions here:
1. "hungry for years" - what does that mean?
2. "waiting for a feast that might not come" - again, what does that mean?
3. "deny yourself and your urges" - what does that mean?
4. "to reach a greater satisfaction" - all right, yes I do plan to continue reaching greater satisfaction in life from here on out ... I'll give you that one.
5. and the judgment of all judgments (lol, SMoKeLioN, I hope you are able to laugh with me about this one): "very disgustingly catholic thing to do"
Okay, now if I take an empathetic guess at SMoKeLioN's feelings and unmet needs here, I come up with this (remember, I am willing to be wrong, I'm guessing based on very limited information, but this is my guess):
"I, SMoKeLioN, grew up in an environment where it was not okay to enjoy the moment and where gratification was always deferred. Perhaps I had a lot of people around me telling me frequently what I 'should' or 'should not' do, and it felt very constricting. Thus, when I hear you talk about 'not being willing to settle for something halfway,' it pains me because I assume that means you are not living in and enjoying the present moment for all that it could be. I assume that you are waiting for some future satisfaction, and I feel pain when I hear that because I identify with it."
That's my guess.
When I hear other people judging me, I don't feel heard or seen. I've decided though that I'm going to try to hear or see the people who are judging me, even if I end up being off-base, because offering empathy, even off-base empathy, feels way better to me than internalizing the judgments.
Remember, all judgments are false by their very nature. All judgments are painful by their very nature.
"Judge not because you cannot." - ACIM
I wanted to address two comments that I received in response to the Entropy and My Kitten post. When I received these comments, I immediately thought of a post I wrote way back when about the importance of not labeling people. These comments feel like what I've done myself many times, which is to wrap up a lot of assumptions in a few words, and go from zero to 100 mph in five seconds flat.
These commenters are in pain. How do I know that? Because the comments are filled with judgments, and whenever we (myself included) get into the realm of judgment, we are in pain. No, I am not going to equivocate on this one and say something like "well, everyone is on their own path." That is true of course, but it is also true that judgment of self or others leads to one place, and one place only: a place called Pain.
Let's first take the comment from Anonymous:
good lord what a charmed life you've lead. this is your "huge trauma"? Try getting brain cancer doing radiation and chemo... you have no idea what real trauma is.
I don't know anything about Anonymous. Anonymous is posting anonymously (presumably) because he or she is scared to reveal him or herself. Which is fine. I appreciate all of the anonymous comments (well, almost all of them ;-).
Notice how many assumptions are in Anonymous' comment:
1. Assumes I have led a "charmed life"
2. Assumes that whatever I've experienced in my life is less painful than "brain cancer doing radiation and chemo"
3. Assumes I have no idea what "real trauma" is.
4. Assumes because I wrote a blog post about my kitten that this particular episode is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me.
Let's dig a little deeper. What does "charmed life" mean? Does it mean "has experienced less pain than other people"?
What does "real trauma" mean? Do we measure it in decibels or years? Does the kitten episode count if it blocked me from having an intimate relationship for most of my entire life, or does that not count as pain? Are some people entitled to feel their pain and others not?
And now what about cancer? Does Anonymous realize that cancer is caused by exactly the sort of trauma I wrote about -- unresolved emotional garbage that festers so long it turns into disease? Does Anonymous know that I nearly died a few years ago in an incredibly painful way?
Now I'm going to make what we call in non-violent communication an empathetic guess about where Anonymous was emotionally when making this comment:
Something in my post triggered pain for Anonymous. Perhaps it is very painful for Anonymous to see me express my own pain and have it be heard publicly because Anonymous has pains that feel enormous to him/her that have never been heard or received any empathy.
What I hear behind Anonymous' words is this:
"I've felt so much pain in my life, and I have seen others be in so much pain, that it hurts when I read your words. It hurts because your pain is being seen and heard and witnessed by others. My pain feels so much larger than I imagine yours to be, in part because my pain has never been expressed or witnessed. I am not able to acknowledge the enormity of the pain you experienced because my own pain has never been acknowledged. I am in so much need of empathy myself that I cannot give empathy to you."
That's what I hear. I may be off base, we don't know because we're not in a live conversation with Anonymous. What I hear from Anonymous are a large number of unmet needs: for empathy, for acknowledgment, for healing, to be seen and heard.
Okay, now let's turn to SMoKeLioN's comment:
"Is it brave to go hungry for years waiting for a feast that might not come? The idea that you can deny yourself and your urges to reach a greater satisfaction... a very disgustingly catholic thing to do."
Again, what are the assumptions here:
1. "hungry for years" - what does that mean?
2. "waiting for a feast that might not come" - again, what does that mean?
3. "deny yourself and your urges" - what does that mean?
4. "to reach a greater satisfaction" - all right, yes I do plan to continue reaching greater satisfaction in life from here on out ... I'll give you that one.
5. and the judgment of all judgments (lol, SMoKeLioN, I hope you are able to laugh with me about this one): "very disgustingly catholic thing to do"
Okay, now if I take an empathetic guess at SMoKeLioN's feelings and unmet needs here, I come up with this (remember, I am willing to be wrong, I'm guessing based on very limited information, but this is my guess):
"I, SMoKeLioN, grew up in an environment where it was not okay to enjoy the moment and where gratification was always deferred. Perhaps I had a lot of people around me telling me frequently what I 'should' or 'should not' do, and it felt very constricting. Thus, when I hear you talk about 'not being willing to settle for something halfway,' it pains me because I assume that means you are not living in and enjoying the present moment for all that it could be. I assume that you are waiting for some future satisfaction, and I feel pain when I hear that because I identify with it."
That's my guess.
When I hear other people judging me, I don't feel heard or seen. I've decided though that I'm going to try to hear or see the people who are judging me, even if I end up being off-base, because offering empathy, even off-base empathy, feels way better to me than internalizing the judgments.
Remember, all judgments are false by their very nature. All judgments are painful by their very nature.
"Judge not because you cannot." - ACIM
More on Push-Pull (and, btw, Eight has reignited my love of the Game)
Yes, bit by bit, my regular playful and happy self is starting to reemerge. And behind the scenes, Eight -- who is pretty amazing with women -- has been reigniting my love of the game.
Last night I went out with Player Girl and Czech Girl (who, btw, is still dating that guy we met up in Squaw). Almost the first thing Player Girl said when I got in the car was, I've been reading your blog, and I love that Push-Pull article. We talked about how push-pull works just as well for girls as it does for guys.
You know what else I *love* about push-pull? It's so freakin' HONEST. It's a way of dancing with the fear of connection that we all have until it no longer feels scary, and instead it starts to feel FUN.
Why is it that some guys can come on strong with me and it feels good to me, and other guys can come on strong and it feels extremely uncomfortable so that I tend to want to escape?
I have observed this carefully, and I have a theory. Usually one of the guys is doing push-pull, and the other guy is doing something that doesn't feel as balanced. The push-pull guy's advances feel more natural, more playful, and more comfortable. The other guy's advances feel scary because, in a way, they are less honest. His bravado feels like a cover-up for what's really going on. It feels like, if he were in touch with his own authentic feelings, he would be expressing more ... push-pull.
Does this make any sense at all?
One thing I've found very liberating from compassionate communication (empathy) that ties in with this is giving myself permission to feel torn. Very often, if I honestly check in with myself, I don't feel ALL one way about something or ALL the other way. Instead, part of me feels excited about something, and part of me feels terrified.
Now ... if I'm feeling that sort of inner conflict, and I try to go out and pretend that I don't, guess what often happens? Whatever my objective is, I'm only partially successful. Why? Because I'm not congruent.
What is often very powerful in these situations, though, is acknowledging and expressing the inner conflict ... to give a trivial example, some nights part of me wants to go out and part of me wants to stay in. Often by simply articulating that conflict to myself, it will become more clear to me whether I really want to go out or stay in.
Often with a man, part of me is really excited about exploring things, and part of me has doubts or reservations. If he comes in like a bulldozer, it feels to me like the doubting/reserved parts don't get to be expressed, and I find myself backing away to restore the space I need to resolve my own inner conflicts.
So ... see ... this is part of the power of push-pull. It gives both people the space to have their doubts and reservations and also move forward at the same time. It's pretty magical stuff. :-)
Last night I went out with Player Girl and Czech Girl (who, btw, is still dating that guy we met up in Squaw). Almost the first thing Player Girl said when I got in the car was, I've been reading your blog, and I love that Push-Pull article. We talked about how push-pull works just as well for girls as it does for guys.
You know what else I *love* about push-pull? It's so freakin' HONEST. It's a way of dancing with the fear of connection that we all have until it no longer feels scary, and instead it starts to feel FUN.
Why is it that some guys can come on strong with me and it feels good to me, and other guys can come on strong and it feels extremely uncomfortable so that I tend to want to escape?
I have observed this carefully, and I have a theory. Usually one of the guys is doing push-pull, and the other guy is doing something that doesn't feel as balanced. The push-pull guy's advances feel more natural, more playful, and more comfortable. The other guy's advances feel scary because, in a way, they are less honest. His bravado feels like a cover-up for what's really going on. It feels like, if he were in touch with his own authentic feelings, he would be expressing more ... push-pull.
Does this make any sense at all?
One thing I've found very liberating from compassionate communication (empathy) that ties in with this is giving myself permission to feel torn. Very often, if I honestly check in with myself, I don't feel ALL one way about something or ALL the other way. Instead, part of me feels excited about something, and part of me feels terrified.
Now ... if I'm feeling that sort of inner conflict, and I try to go out and pretend that I don't, guess what often happens? Whatever my objective is, I'm only partially successful. Why? Because I'm not congruent.
What is often very powerful in these situations, though, is acknowledging and expressing the inner conflict ... to give a trivial example, some nights part of me wants to go out and part of me wants to stay in. Often by simply articulating that conflict to myself, it will become more clear to me whether I really want to go out or stay in.
Often with a man, part of me is really excited about exploring things, and part of me has doubts or reservations. If he comes in like a bulldozer, it feels to me like the doubting/reserved parts don't get to be expressed, and I find myself backing away to restore the space I need to resolve my own inner conflicts.
So ... see ... this is part of the power of push-pull. It gives both people the space to have their doubts and reservations and also move forward at the same time. It's pretty magical stuff. :-)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Entropy, My Kitten, and Fear of Intimacy
Well, everyone, I am about to be our experimental guinea pig for some of this Deep Inner Game work.
For those who are just tuning in, I recently wrote about my revelations of how much a trauma when I was four years old (my kitten being killed by a car) has been, unconsciously, affecting my love life. And how I am using Emotional Freedom Technique, which is an acupressure-based healing tool, to address the different aspects that are coming up.
Today another aspect emerged.
I was remembering back, I think it was in February of this year ... not long after Entropy and I returned home from our wonderful five days together in Los Angeles.
Anyway, a few weeks after we got back home to our respective cities, he and I were texting like we did pretty much every day, and out of the blue, he sent me something like this:
"Ok, baby, I'm going to get on my bike and go play in traffic now. Talk to you later."
No big deal, right? He used to be one of those bike messenger guys, so he was going to do something he has done on a regular basis.
But I got really scared. I knew it was irrational, and I was scared anyway. I didn't relax until getting back in touch with him later that evening or the next day.
Now I see the connection. At a deep unconscious level, when he said "go play in traffic," my mind was going back to my little kitten's death on the highway. Yet I didn't realize the connection consciously until now, so instead of understanding what was going on, I experienced a rush of fear.
I'm starting to see just how tremendously my kitten's death has affected my entire life. Now I see how it is that each time I experience the depth and purity of love and connection that I felt in Los Angeles, a part of me is overjoyed. And another part of me -- unconscious until now -- is taken right back to that four-year old girl who loved this kitten with her whole heart and lost him so suddenly and way before it was time.
Is it any wonder that any time I feel that deep and pure of a connection, I panic?
So now the question is ... can I rewrite this energy pattern that has been haunting me for almost my entire life? And if I can, will I then be able to help other people to do the same?
For those who are just tuning in, I recently wrote about my revelations of how much a trauma when I was four years old (my kitten being killed by a car) has been, unconsciously, affecting my love life. And how I am using Emotional Freedom Technique, which is an acupressure-based healing tool, to address the different aspects that are coming up.
Today another aspect emerged.
I was remembering back, I think it was in February of this year ... not long after Entropy and I returned home from our wonderful five days together in Los Angeles.
Anyway, a few weeks after we got back home to our respective cities, he and I were texting like we did pretty much every day, and out of the blue, he sent me something like this:
"Ok, baby, I'm going to get on my bike and go play in traffic now. Talk to you later."
No big deal, right? He used to be one of those bike messenger guys, so he was going to do something he has done on a regular basis.
But I got really scared. I knew it was irrational, and I was scared anyway. I didn't relax until getting back in touch with him later that evening or the next day.
Now I see the connection. At a deep unconscious level, when he said "go play in traffic," my mind was going back to my little kitten's death on the highway. Yet I didn't realize the connection consciously until now, so instead of understanding what was going on, I experienced a rush of fear.
I'm starting to see just how tremendously my kitten's death has affected my entire life. Now I see how it is that each time I experience the depth and purity of love and connection that I felt in Los Angeles, a part of me is overjoyed. And another part of me -- unconscious until now -- is taken right back to that four-year old girl who loved this kitten with her whole heart and lost him so suddenly and way before it was time.
Is it any wonder that any time I feel that deep and pure of a connection, I panic?
So now the question is ... can I rewrite this energy pattern that has been haunting me for almost my entire life? And if I can, will I then be able to help other people to do the same?
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Push-Pull Seduction Explored: Introducing a New PUA and a New Forum
All right, so the very fun article below was written by my friend Eight. It's about push-pull flirtation with women. Eight actually is not a new PUA (for the uninitiated, PUA means "pickup artist"). He has been around and has gone by other names. He has even commented on this blog a few times, mostly when he became concerned that I might never have sex again ;-)
He posted this awesome article on Paragon Project, which is a PUA forum. If you haven't checked it out yet, I recommend that you go here to find out what you have been missing.
So now I'm turning it over to Eight, and I'll be back with some of my own commentary at the end of his article:
Push-Pull Explored
I'm going to refer to the movie "Twilight" in this article, because it's a great example of Push Pull in action.
The Player is one of the first guys who come to mind whenever I think of PUSH game. He's a great PUSHER. Constantly playing-with, and challenging the girl to prove herself to him. Girls WANT a PUSHER, because he's so hard to get. They chase.
In the beginning of the movie "Twilight", the vampire dude, Edward, is ALL push. He makes it clear he wants nothing to do with her. He says things like "if you were smart, you'd stay away from me", and "just forget about me, let it go". Notice how the girl reacts. She can't get him out of her mind. She pursues him.
There are other guys, like myself, who are very PULL oriented. Constantly taking things sexual and PULLING the girl in with reward of positive emotions. Girls WANT a PULLER, because he's so intense. They submit.
Again, in "Twilight", notice how Edward is all PULL once she knows he's a vampire. He keeps saying things like "You're my own personal brand of heroin" and "I've never wanted a human as badly as I want you". It's like a dagger of sweet poison to the girl's heart, further increasing her desire for him.
What's the most solid path here? To be a PULLER or a PUSHER?
The answer is: BOTH!
To send mixed messages, to Push AND Pull. But alot of guys think about this too literally, and they try to seperate the two, or they rely too heavily on one or the other. Or they use them at the wrong times.
Let's swing back to our character study here, and see why all the girls love the "Twilight" movie: because it's a story of Push Pull seduction.
And here's what I really want to emphasize about Push Pull..
It's not just a duality.. it can actually be effectively used as a PROGRESSION!
Push --> Pull/Push in Conflict --> Pull
Let's start with PUSH.
The thing about pushing is, alot of guys think that the Pushing itself is what makes girls attracted. It's not. You need to already DHV yourself somehow. The pushing is a placebo effect. It's an AMPLIFIER of your DHV, by making her want it more because it's harder to get.
It could be your looks. It could be your sense of humor. It could be your style. Your presence. Your charisma. Whatever. We all have natural DHV's, it's just a matter of figuring out what yours are, and honing your most attractive qualities.
In other words, you should already be able to draw out IOI's or SOI's from her... to be able to generate basic Interest.
Push Pull works best as a way to "Launch" off of her Interest, into generating Attraction.
So once she's throwing signals at you, pushing comes into play, as a flirtation technique. Challenging. You can do it two ways:
Making yourself a challenge
Disqualify yourself
"I'm bad for you. I'm such a nympho. I'd just get you addicted to sex."
"I'm a heartbreaker. You'd end up falling in love with me. Let's just be friends."
Challenging the girl
Disqualify her
"You're too young for me. I'd have to hold your hand when we cross the street and stuff, and buy you popsicles all the time."
"You're so conservative. I like girls who are passionate and fun."
Whenever you make challenges, be sure to make the challenging statement with an EXPLANATION. Don't just say "you're too shy" or "I'm too tall for you". You need to explain why that is a disqualifier, even if your reason is silly or humorous.
Again, like all attraction techniques, an always solid route is a middle-path that combines the two. Use both. Disqualify yourself, and her, to bait her into disagreeing with you and proving herself, or explaining why the two of you WOULD be good together.
Another duality comes into focus here, where the TONALITY of how you CHALLENGE can be one of two methods:
Serious
or
Playful
This really depends on your personality and whatever vibe you have rocking with the girl.
Swinging back into the progression here.. once your Challenges have begun to take noticeable effect (she's chasing you, or qualifying herself), then you can swing into a CONFLICT of Pull and Push.
This is where you begin expressing intent, with simultaneous messages of Disqualification.
You begin pulling, but you PUSH yourself, or her, away.
Express intent, then use it as an excuse to disqualify her, yourself, or the idea of the two of you being together.
An example would be:
"I'm beginning to like you too much. We can't hang out anymore."
So what we're talking about here is a PULL, capped off with a PUSH.
This works well when the girl has already responded to your PUSH phase, by being lured in. Don't do it earlier, because it won't work too well before you've gotten her invested in you.
The desired response is, of course, that she responds by further qualifying. Qualifying either herself, ("I'll be a good girl, I promise!"), or qualifying you ("Noo.. I like you! Stay!").
Once she's invested on this level and qualified, you can move into pure PULL.
This is expressing solid INTENT. It's your REWARD to her.
Usually at this phase, I don't use words to pull. My pulling is primarily physical.. Intense eye-contact (aka "Eye-sex"), close physical proximity.. Sexual touching.. Dominant physicality (pulling her against me.. pressing myself against her..).
Words in the "Pull" phase, I find, can get corny or sappy really easily, and guys who aren't too experienced with it may actually fuck up by making Low Value statements such as "I Neeeed you" and "I want you so badly, it makes me cry!".. So, I recommend you don't even BOTHER to Pull verbally.. trust in your physicality to communicate that for you.
You can maintain playful or serious Push/Pull flirting if you feel an absolute need to be verbal during the PULL phase. Just make sure the physical aspect is there to trigger her body's natural, instinctive, sexual response triggers.
So there you have it. Push Pull in a nutshell.
Push (be a challenge, bait her to disagree)--> Pull/Push (communicate intent, disqualify, bait her to qualify herself or you)--> Pull (reward with sexual physicality).
Game on!
*****************************************
Awesome article, don't you think? I told you I have great taste in men :-)
Anyway, let's now throw in Erika's spiritual twist on push-pull. I have quoted the Tao before on this blog:
"Be really whole, and all things will come to you."
Push-pull is really nothing more than another form of "wholeness." Deep down, all of us want love, and all of us are scared of love. So in truth we have mixed feelings. When someone expresses all push or all pull, we feel scared or disconnected.
Whereas ... when someone expresses both sides of that push-pull duality to us in some way, shape, or form, we feel understood and we feel comfortable. We feel free to be ourselves. We feel our own wholeness. And that's when we can become one with the other person. The implications of which are obvious for seduction purposes ;-)
Ok, tonight was my last night of integrating shadow material and immersing myself in Deep Inner Game.
Tomorrow ... normal social activities recommence. So make sure to check back here often for all of my latest seduction adventures. As Eight says, "Game on!"
He posted this awesome article on Paragon Project, which is a PUA forum. If you haven't checked it out yet, I recommend that you go here to find out what you have been missing.
So now I'm turning it over to Eight, and I'll be back with some of my own commentary at the end of his article:
Push-Pull Explored
I'm going to refer to the movie "Twilight" in this article, because it's a great example of Push Pull in action.
The Player is one of the first guys who come to mind whenever I think of PUSH game. He's a great PUSHER. Constantly playing-with, and challenging the girl to prove herself to him. Girls WANT a PUSHER, because he's so hard to get. They chase.
In the beginning of the movie "Twilight", the vampire dude, Edward, is ALL push. He makes it clear he wants nothing to do with her. He says things like "if you were smart, you'd stay away from me", and "just forget about me, let it go". Notice how the girl reacts. She can't get him out of her mind. She pursues him.
There are other guys, like myself, who are very PULL oriented. Constantly taking things sexual and PULLING the girl in with reward of positive emotions. Girls WANT a PULLER, because he's so intense. They submit.
Again, in "Twilight", notice how Edward is all PULL once she knows he's a vampire. He keeps saying things like "You're my own personal brand of heroin" and "I've never wanted a human as badly as I want you". It's like a dagger of sweet poison to the girl's heart, further increasing her desire for him.
What's the most solid path here? To be a PULLER or a PUSHER?
The answer is: BOTH!
To send mixed messages, to Push AND Pull. But alot of guys think about this too literally, and they try to seperate the two, or they rely too heavily on one or the other. Or they use them at the wrong times.
Let's swing back to our character study here, and see why all the girls love the "Twilight" movie: because it's a story of Push Pull seduction.
And here's what I really want to emphasize about Push Pull..
It's not just a duality.. it can actually be effectively used as a PROGRESSION!
Push --> Pull/Push in Conflict --> Pull
Let's start with PUSH.
The thing about pushing is, alot of guys think that the Pushing itself is what makes girls attracted. It's not. You need to already DHV yourself somehow. The pushing is a placebo effect. It's an AMPLIFIER of your DHV, by making her want it more because it's harder to get.
It could be your looks. It could be your sense of humor. It could be your style. Your presence. Your charisma. Whatever. We all have natural DHV's, it's just a matter of figuring out what yours are, and honing your most attractive qualities.
In other words, you should already be able to draw out IOI's or SOI's from her... to be able to generate basic Interest.
Push Pull works best as a way to "Launch" off of her Interest, into generating Attraction.
So once she's throwing signals at you, pushing comes into play, as a flirtation technique. Challenging. You can do it two ways:
Making yourself a challenge
Disqualify yourself
"I'm bad for you. I'm such a nympho. I'd just get you addicted to sex."
"I'm a heartbreaker. You'd end up falling in love with me. Let's just be friends."
Challenging the girl
Disqualify her
"You're too young for me. I'd have to hold your hand when we cross the street and stuff, and buy you popsicles all the time."
"You're so conservative. I like girls who are passionate and fun."
Whenever you make challenges, be sure to make the challenging statement with an EXPLANATION. Don't just say "you're too shy" or "I'm too tall for you". You need to explain why that is a disqualifier, even if your reason is silly or humorous.
Again, like all attraction techniques, an always solid route is a middle-path that combines the two. Use both. Disqualify yourself, and her, to bait her into disagreeing with you and proving herself, or explaining why the two of you WOULD be good together.
Another duality comes into focus here, where the TONALITY of how you CHALLENGE can be one of two methods:
Serious
or
Playful
This really depends on your personality and whatever vibe you have rocking with the girl.
Swinging back into the progression here.. once your Challenges have begun to take noticeable effect (she's chasing you, or qualifying herself), then you can swing into a CONFLICT of Pull and Push.
This is where you begin expressing intent, with simultaneous messages of Disqualification.
You begin pulling, but you PUSH yourself, or her, away.
Express intent, then use it as an excuse to disqualify her, yourself, or the idea of the two of you being together.
An example would be:
"I'm beginning to like you too much. We can't hang out anymore."
So what we're talking about here is a PULL, capped off with a PUSH.
This works well when the girl has already responded to your PUSH phase, by being lured in. Don't do it earlier, because it won't work too well before you've gotten her invested in you.
The desired response is, of course, that she responds by further qualifying. Qualifying either herself, ("I'll be a good girl, I promise!"), or qualifying you ("Noo.. I like you! Stay!").
Once she's invested on this level and qualified, you can move into pure PULL.
This is expressing solid INTENT. It's your REWARD to her.
Usually at this phase, I don't use words to pull. My pulling is primarily physical.. Intense eye-contact (aka "Eye-sex"), close physical proximity.. Sexual touching.. Dominant physicality (pulling her against me.. pressing myself against her..).
Words in the "Pull" phase, I find, can get corny or sappy really easily, and guys who aren't too experienced with it may actually fuck up by making Low Value statements such as "I Neeeed you" and "I want you so badly, it makes me cry!".. So, I recommend you don't even BOTHER to Pull verbally.. trust in your physicality to communicate that for you.
You can maintain playful or serious Push/Pull flirting if you feel an absolute need to be verbal during the PULL phase. Just make sure the physical aspect is there to trigger her body's natural, instinctive, sexual response triggers.
So there you have it. Push Pull in a nutshell.
Push (be a challenge, bait her to disagree)--> Pull/Push (communicate intent, disqualify, bait her to qualify herself or you)--> Pull (reward with sexual physicality).
Game on!
*****************************************
Awesome article, don't you think? I told you I have great taste in men :-)
Anyway, let's now throw in Erika's spiritual twist on push-pull. I have quoted the Tao before on this blog:
"Be really whole, and all things will come to you."
Push-pull is really nothing more than another form of "wholeness." Deep down, all of us want love, and all of us are scared of love. So in truth we have mixed feelings. When someone expresses all push or all pull, we feel scared or disconnected.
Whereas ... when someone expresses both sides of that push-pull duality to us in some way, shape, or form, we feel understood and we feel comfortable. We feel free to be ourselves. We feel our own wholeness. And that's when we can become one with the other person. The implications of which are obvious for seduction purposes ;-)
Ok, tonight was my last night of integrating shadow material and immersing myself in Deep Inner Game.
Tomorrow ... normal social activities recommence. So make sure to check back here often for all of my latest seduction adventures. As Eight says, "Game on!"
Our Emotional Freedom Technique Thread on RSDN
After all these many months, say what you will about them, I still love RSD Nation. For those who are not familiar, it's a wonderful forum where guys share their experiences with each other about becoming more self-actualized and having better connections with women.
I wanted to share with my readers this thread on Emotional Freedom Technique. Shankar and I have been sharing our EFT experience on there. Many guys who started out skeptical have tried EFT and have found that it delivers amazing, miraculous results.
Also, I wanted to add this: There are a significant number of guys out there who have read every dating/relationship book and attended seminars, bootcamps, etc., and are still not getting results. I know from talking to instructors that there are some guys who have taken a bootcamp from every single major company and still have not improved. It is my firm belief that those guys, especially, can benefit HUGELY from the deeper vibe purification work that I've been talking about in the last few posts. Until they change the deeper energy patterns that are sabotaging them, sadly, all the superficial lifestyle changes they are making are likely to be futile.
I wanted to share with my readers this thread on Emotional Freedom Technique. Shankar and I have been sharing our EFT experience on there. Many guys who started out skeptical have tried EFT and have found that it delivers amazing, miraculous results.
Also, I wanted to add this: There are a significant number of guys out there who have read every dating/relationship book and attended seminars, bootcamps, etc., and are still not getting results. I know from talking to instructors that there are some guys who have taken a bootcamp from every single major company and still have not improved. It is my firm belief that those guys, especially, can benefit HUGELY from the deeper vibe purification work that I've been talking about in the last few posts. Until they change the deeper energy patterns that are sabotaging them, sadly, all the superficial lifestyle changes they are making are likely to be futile.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Postscript to the "Saying No" Article
A little while back, I wrote about the importance of saying no and removing oneself from untenable situations.
There were a couple of things I forgot to mention:
(1) Ego interruptus. One thing that saying no does is prevent the ego from replaying the same old script it has always played out in the past. Sometimes saying no and removing myself is important for simply interrupting a dysfunctional energy pattern.
(2) Giving the other person freedom. Another good thing about saying no is that it clearly states one's own feelings about the situation, but it is not seeking to control the other person. Often, if I stay in a relationship situation that doesn't feel good, it is difficult to resist the urge to nag and attempt to persuade the other person to change what they are doing. Which usually leads to more resistance and tension and is not good for the connection. Saying no honors my own needs while at the same time leaving space to honor the other person's also.
Saying no is a little like saying this:
"I understand that you have unfinished connections that you want to honor. At the same time, when I perceive that you are unwilling to commit to a specific timeframe for actually doing the wonderful things we have talked about, it touches deep past pain in me and triggers such strong anxiety about whether our intentions are aligned that I am not able stay in this situation and feel good about it. I care about our connection and about you so much that I would rather leave the situation than allow these unaddressed concerns to erode the deep love that we feel for each other."
There were a couple of things I forgot to mention:
(1) Ego interruptus. One thing that saying no does is prevent the ego from replaying the same old script it has always played out in the past. Sometimes saying no and removing myself is important for simply interrupting a dysfunctional energy pattern.
(2) Giving the other person freedom. Another good thing about saying no is that it clearly states one's own feelings about the situation, but it is not seeking to control the other person. Often, if I stay in a relationship situation that doesn't feel good, it is difficult to resist the urge to nag and attempt to persuade the other person to change what they are doing. Which usually leads to more resistance and tension and is not good for the connection. Saying no honors my own needs while at the same time leaving space to honor the other person's also.
Saying no is a little like saying this:
"I understand that you have unfinished connections that you want to honor. At the same time, when I perceive that you are unwilling to commit to a specific timeframe for actually doing the wonderful things we have talked about, it touches deep past pain in me and triggers such strong anxiety about whether our intentions are aligned that I am not able stay in this situation and feel good about it. I care about our connection and about you so much that I would rather leave the situation than allow these unaddressed concerns to erode the deep love that we feel for each other."
Deep Inner Game and Vibe Purification
So as you can tell from the past few posts, I've been immersed in my own Deep Inner Game work the past few weeks.
Much of the seduction community focuses on outer game, or on relatively superficial inner game. And a lot of that stuff works, to some degree, for some guys. My experience has been, though, that the most profound shifts in my outer life have manifested after these deep periods of inner cleansing (what I call "vibe purification").
What is vibe purification? It means going deep into our shadow self to pull up the parts of our life and ourselves that we least want to deal with or look at due to the painful suppressed emotions. We pull the negativity into the light, where it disappears.
Sometimes things are going to get worse before they get better ... this is a very important mantra to remember when we are stirring up and addressing the darkest parts of the shadow self.
Until the shadow self has been owned and integrated, these dark parts continue to be active in our lives but outside of our conscious control. They get projected onto other people instead of transformed. That's why we see people having the same destructive patterns repeatedly. That's why we see guys in the pickup community who never seem to improve, or who have sticking points that they can't get past. That's why we see women who have the same unsatisfying go-nowhere relationship over and over again.
We need something that can break the cycle and transform the energy. That's why I write this blog. Because after much searching, I finally found practices that actually work. Practices that have resulted in real and lasting change and ever-increasing levels of happiness and peace. Practices that have taken me deep into the unconscious mind and the spiritual world, where real change is possible.
**************************************
Anyway, I'm feeling very torn this morning. I'm feeling torn because back in January, I had a glimpse of what is possible between a man and a woman. A state of true nirvana. Deep communion and blissful connection. Playfulness and laughter and affection and excitement. A sense of infinite possibilities for co-creation. A state of being that, once experienced, can never be forgotten. So there's a part of me that feels, "wow, I'm just not going to settle for less than what I know is possible. Ever."
And then there's the part of me that woke up in the early morning hours today with such a deep sense of urgency. The practical part of me. The part that says, "you" (notice how the two parts are different -- one speaks as "I" and one speaks to me as "you" ... interesting) ... anyway, it says "you need to make a decision and get moving and you can't afford to wait around any longer hoping for permanent nirvana." Wow, that doesn't feel very good.
Anyway, I'm trying to hold space for both parts right now, in the hope they will be integrated somehow ...
That's another really important part of the vibe purification process, btw ... allowing all aspects of ourselves to speak and be heard. It's the stifling and suppressing that create problems for us. When all inner voices have the unfettered space to be heard without being judged or silenced, they will integrate spontaneously into unified, congruent intention. And that's when we manifest what we want in our lives without any effort at all.
Much of the seduction community focuses on outer game, or on relatively superficial inner game. And a lot of that stuff works, to some degree, for some guys. My experience has been, though, that the most profound shifts in my outer life have manifested after these deep periods of inner cleansing (what I call "vibe purification").
What is vibe purification? It means going deep into our shadow self to pull up the parts of our life and ourselves that we least want to deal with or look at due to the painful suppressed emotions. We pull the negativity into the light, where it disappears.
Sometimes things are going to get worse before they get better ... this is a very important mantra to remember when we are stirring up and addressing the darkest parts of the shadow self.
Until the shadow self has been owned and integrated, these dark parts continue to be active in our lives but outside of our conscious control. They get projected onto other people instead of transformed. That's why we see people having the same destructive patterns repeatedly. That's why we see guys in the pickup community who never seem to improve, or who have sticking points that they can't get past. That's why we see women who have the same unsatisfying go-nowhere relationship over and over again.
We need something that can break the cycle and transform the energy. That's why I write this blog. Because after much searching, I finally found practices that actually work. Practices that have resulted in real and lasting change and ever-increasing levels of happiness and peace. Practices that have taken me deep into the unconscious mind and the spiritual world, where real change is possible.
**************************************
Anyway, I'm feeling very torn this morning. I'm feeling torn because back in January, I had a glimpse of what is possible between a man and a woman. A state of true nirvana. Deep communion and blissful connection. Playfulness and laughter and affection and excitement. A sense of infinite possibilities for co-creation. A state of being that, once experienced, can never be forgotten. So there's a part of me that feels, "wow, I'm just not going to settle for less than what I know is possible. Ever."
And then there's the part of me that woke up in the early morning hours today with such a deep sense of urgency. The practical part of me. The part that says, "you" (notice how the two parts are different -- one speaks as "I" and one speaks to me as "you" ... interesting) ... anyway, it says "you need to make a decision and get moving and you can't afford to wait around any longer hoping for permanent nirvana." Wow, that doesn't feel very good.
Anyway, I'm trying to hold space for both parts right now, in the hope they will be integrated somehow ...
That's another really important part of the vibe purification process, btw ... allowing all aspects of ourselves to speak and be heard. It's the stifling and suppressing that create problems for us. When all inner voices have the unfettered space to be heard without being judged or silenced, they will integrate spontaneously into unified, congruent intention. And that's when we manifest what we want in our lives without any effort at all.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Deep Inner Game: How loving my kitten ruined my love life ... and how this relates to your "sticking points"
This really is an article about the deepest inner game work a man (or woman) can do ...
Be forewarned, this is a sad story. It has a hopeful ending though and broad applicability to whatever ails you ... including the ever-popular topic of "sticking points" (those parts of pickup or dating that seem to frustrate you over and over again, no matter how much you try to change your old patterns).
So I hope you have the heart to keep reading.
The Sad Story about My Kitten
When I was four years old, we got a little kitten. His name was J.J., and he was a tiny little gray tabby with lynx markings on his forehead. I loved that little guy. We lived out in the woods with no neighbors nearby, so it was just me, my brother, and J.J.
One day my dad and I crossed the highway to do something in a field across the way. J.J. followed us. Later it was getting dark, so my dad said we should go home. We had lost track of J.J., so I said, "we need to find J.J." But my dad said it was ok, he'd find his own way home.
Well, the next morning J.J. didn't show up for his breakfast. I remember being so worried but hoping of course that he would come home. He wasn't showing up though, so I asked my dad to come with me to look for him. Which we did. We went back down to the highway. And we found J.J.'s body down by the road. He had been hit by a car during the night. My dad, ever the rationalist, explained how animals sometimes get paralyzed by the lights of oncoming cars. (I love my dad very much, but wow could he have used some empathy training.)
We buried J.J. near our treehouse up in the yard.
The Impact of J.J.'s Death on My Young Life
Why am I telling you such a sad story when I'm supposed to be on a 30-day positivity challenge?
Because of course by the time I reached adulthood, I didn't think about this story much. We had other cats who lived into their old age, and life went on.
It wasn't until I started practicing Emotional Freedom Technique a few years ago that I finally realized what a profound impact J.J.'s death had on my life. Why? Because that trauma never got processed. I grew up in a family that didn't have a good outlet for negative emotions like grief, guilt, and anger, so I bottled all those emotions up, and here were some of the beliefs that were built on top of that trauma:
* It's not safe to fall in love (because the person or animal I love could be taken away at any time)
* It's not safe for anyone to love me (because obviously I don't know how to take care of people or animals that I love)
* I can't be trusted to take care of someone else
* If I love someone a lot, they'll probably be taken away from me, so better for me to keep my emotional distance
* It's not safe for me to trust my dad (because I wanted him to help me find J.J., and he said J.J. would be ok, but J.J. wasn't ok)
* It was my fault (I should have persuaded my dad to find J.J. and get him safely home)
Old Traumas and Emotional Freedom Technique
So in yesterday's article, we talked about Eckhart Tolle and the pain-body. Here is what Tolle has to say about traumas stored in the body:
“The remnant of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not full faced, accepted, and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body."
The traumas that are stored in our body usually represent extreme incidents where for some reason we never had the chance to feel the emotions and let them go. The solution, according to Tolle, is to FEEL your feelings:
"You can’t argue with what is. Well you can, but if you do, you suffer. Accepting [what you feel] means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the moment.”
Unfortunately, though, many of us have experienced traumas that were never fully felt and released. Either we grew up in a family where there were no tools for allowing emotions to be felt fully, or the traumatic event was too sudden and extreme, and we went into a state of shock.
Those emotions don't go away. They sit there in our bodies, and they fester, as disruptions in our energy system. Over the years, we build new negative beliefs and new traumas on top of the energy disruptions that the original trauma created. These become karmic loops: the seemingly inescapable patterns that people fall into in their lives.
You know what I'm talking about: The relationship that always ends the same negative way. The person who always attracts the same type of "wrong-for-them" person. The addictive or self-punishing patterns that people get into and then can't get themselves out of. All of these things are built on old traumas that were never released. And if we keep those toxic emotions around too long, they turn into chronic conditions and diseases.
Why Emotional Freedom Technique Is So Powerful
Like nothing else I've ever encountered, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) has the power to break people out of these patterns and free them from these painful old thoughts. For readers who are not familiar, EFT is a simple acupressure-based healing practice that involves tapping lightly on key acupressure points while tuning in to specific negative beliefs or memories.
EFT allows us to go back in time, and release the emotions. I've now "tapped" about the incident with J.J. several times, and more tears have flowed each time. I don't remember if I cried when I was four years old, but somehow I don't think so. Now I've finally been able to feel the grief and release it. I even tapped while writing this article as more layers of grief came to the surface.
Emotional Freedom Technique and "Sticking Points"
The reason I'm writing about this here is that I see a lot of people (both guys and girls) very frustrated that they seem to be reliving the same dating or relationship pattern over and over again. Kind of like Groundhog Day. There are many techniques for creating change in our lives, but frankly most of them are just too damn slow.
EFT is powerful because it works quickly. I would be willing to bet that nearly every "sticking point" a guy or girl has in his or her dating life originated in a trauma that happened way back when. Something that sounds silly now, like being picked last for a sports team. Or the day her mom took her sister shopping and left her behind. But do not underestimate the power of the subconscious mind. Children draw very strange conclusions from seemingly silly or trivial or long-ago events, and those beliefs become their reality. Many men and women are still holding on, at a subconscious level, to beliefs that were formed in response to these sorts of events.
To become free, we must let go of those old memories and old beliefs.
The ego had me in a chokehold until I discovered EFT. I hope everyone will try it out and see just how powerful it really is.
Be forewarned, this is a sad story. It has a hopeful ending though and broad applicability to whatever ails you ... including the ever-popular topic of "sticking points" (those parts of pickup or dating that seem to frustrate you over and over again, no matter how much you try to change your old patterns).
So I hope you have the heart to keep reading.
The Sad Story about My Kitten
When I was four years old, we got a little kitten. His name was J.J., and he was a tiny little gray tabby with lynx markings on his forehead. I loved that little guy. We lived out in the woods with no neighbors nearby, so it was just me, my brother, and J.J.
One day my dad and I crossed the highway to do something in a field across the way. J.J. followed us. Later it was getting dark, so my dad said we should go home. We had lost track of J.J., so I said, "we need to find J.J." But my dad said it was ok, he'd find his own way home.
Well, the next morning J.J. didn't show up for his breakfast. I remember being so worried but hoping of course that he would come home. He wasn't showing up though, so I asked my dad to come with me to look for him. Which we did. We went back down to the highway. And we found J.J.'s body down by the road. He had been hit by a car during the night. My dad, ever the rationalist, explained how animals sometimes get paralyzed by the lights of oncoming cars. (I love my dad very much, but wow could he have used some empathy training.)
We buried J.J. near our treehouse up in the yard.
The Impact of J.J.'s Death on My Young Life
Why am I telling you such a sad story when I'm supposed to be on a 30-day positivity challenge?
Because of course by the time I reached adulthood, I didn't think about this story much. We had other cats who lived into their old age, and life went on.
It wasn't until I started practicing Emotional Freedom Technique a few years ago that I finally realized what a profound impact J.J.'s death had on my life. Why? Because that trauma never got processed. I grew up in a family that didn't have a good outlet for negative emotions like grief, guilt, and anger, so I bottled all those emotions up, and here were some of the beliefs that were built on top of that trauma:
* It's not safe to fall in love (because the person or animal I love could be taken away at any time)
* It's not safe for anyone to love me (because obviously I don't know how to take care of people or animals that I love)
* I can't be trusted to take care of someone else
* If I love someone a lot, they'll probably be taken away from me, so better for me to keep my emotional distance
* It's not safe for me to trust my dad (because I wanted him to help me find J.J., and he said J.J. would be ok, but J.J. wasn't ok)
* It was my fault (I should have persuaded my dad to find J.J. and get him safely home)
Old Traumas and Emotional Freedom Technique
So in yesterday's article, we talked about Eckhart Tolle and the pain-body. Here is what Tolle has to say about traumas stored in the body:
“The remnant of pain left behind by every strong negative emotion that is not full faced, accepted, and then let go of join together to form an energy field that lives in the very cells of your body."
The traumas that are stored in our body usually represent extreme incidents where for some reason we never had the chance to feel the emotions and let them go. The solution, according to Tolle, is to FEEL your feelings:
"You can’t argue with what is. Well you can, but if you do, you suffer. Accepting [what you feel] means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at the moment.”
Unfortunately, though, many of us have experienced traumas that were never fully felt and released. Either we grew up in a family where there were no tools for allowing emotions to be felt fully, or the traumatic event was too sudden and extreme, and we went into a state of shock.
Those emotions don't go away. They sit there in our bodies, and they fester, as disruptions in our energy system. Over the years, we build new negative beliefs and new traumas on top of the energy disruptions that the original trauma created. These become karmic loops: the seemingly inescapable patterns that people fall into in their lives.
You know what I'm talking about: The relationship that always ends the same negative way. The person who always attracts the same type of "wrong-for-them" person. The addictive or self-punishing patterns that people get into and then can't get themselves out of. All of these things are built on old traumas that were never released. And if we keep those toxic emotions around too long, they turn into chronic conditions and diseases.
Why Emotional Freedom Technique Is So Powerful
Like nothing else I've ever encountered, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) has the power to break people out of these patterns and free them from these painful old thoughts. For readers who are not familiar, EFT is a simple acupressure-based healing practice that involves tapping lightly on key acupressure points while tuning in to specific negative beliefs or memories.
EFT allows us to go back in time, and release the emotions. I've now "tapped" about the incident with J.J. several times, and more tears have flowed each time. I don't remember if I cried when I was four years old, but somehow I don't think so. Now I've finally been able to feel the grief and release it. I even tapped while writing this article as more layers of grief came to the surface.
Emotional Freedom Technique and "Sticking Points"
The reason I'm writing about this here is that I see a lot of people (both guys and girls) very frustrated that they seem to be reliving the same dating or relationship pattern over and over again. Kind of like Groundhog Day. There are many techniques for creating change in our lives, but frankly most of them are just too damn slow.
EFT is powerful because it works quickly. I would be willing to bet that nearly every "sticking point" a guy or girl has in his or her dating life originated in a trauma that happened way back when. Something that sounds silly now, like being picked last for a sports team. Or the day her mom took her sister shopping and left her behind. But do not underestimate the power of the subconscious mind. Children draw very strange conclusions from seemingly silly or trivial or long-ago events, and those beliefs become their reality. Many men and women are still holding on, at a subconscious level, to beliefs that were formed in response to these sorts of events.
To become free, we must let go of those old memories and old beliefs.
The ego had me in a chokehold until I discovered EFT. I hope everyone will try it out and see just how powerful it really is.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Intimacy and the Pain-Body
What is the Pain-Body?
Many of you are familiar with Eckhart Tolle's work. He talks a lot about the pain-body. In A New Earth, he describes it this way:
The greater part of most people's thinking is involuntary, automatic, and repetitive. It is no more than a kind of mental static and fulfills no real purpose. ...
The voice in the head has a life of its own. Most people are at the mercy of that voice; they are possessed by thought, by the mind. And since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again. The Eastern term for this is karma. When you are identified with this voice, you don't know this, of course. If you knew it, you would no longer be possessed ...
The ego is not only the unobserved mind, the voice in the head which pretends to be you, but also the unobserved emotions that are the body's reaction to what the voice in the head is saying.
What is the Relationship between Intimacy and the Pain-Body?
Many people, as Tolle has written, experience the pain-body most intensely in intimate situations, because the closeness and vulnerability triggers pain from their family of origin and other early experiences.
I can tell when I'm in the grip of the pain-body because not only am I in pain, but my tone changes. I can hear a "strident" quality or judgmentalness or defensiveness that is not usually there, and of course that is just a reflexive cover-up for the pain that I'm feeling. It's a deeply programmed but not particularly helpful way of dealing with fear, hurt, anger, and other painful emotions.
Anyway, I haven't been writing much for the past week, and this is why: recently, a large piece of pain-body was stirred up for me. This is a fairly unusual event these days. Whereas I used to live in the constant grip of the pain-body, now these moments are (thankfully) quite rare. I give a lot of the credit to the practices that I talk about on this blog: compassionate communication (which brings awareness to our automatic, repetitive thoughts) and Emotional Freedom Technique (which has the power to break us out of karmic patterns).
The pain that was stirred up is deep, intense, and feels very much to be from the past and not from the present. Rather than continue reacting to it, though, as I was starting to do, I basically stopped everything. I stopped going out, stopped most of my activities, and have been spending much time in meditation and simply becoming present with the pain. I do this because one of our ego's favorite tricks for keeping the pain-body alive is to "cover it over" with busy-ness. The ego also loves to take out the pain on other people. Busy-ness and reaction of every kind will distract us for a bit but do not have the power to dissolve and transform the pain-body into the light.
And while we're on the subject of the pain-body ...
People ask me often how I am able to continue writing this blog and participating in forums in spite of all the criticism and naysayers. It's for a few reasons.
First, I feel called to write this blog by the highest and deepest forces within me. It is obvious to me that one of my primary purposes on this planet (my special function in salvation, if you will) is to express these teachings and experiences no matter what.
Second, when people criticize and insult, I know they are acting from their own pain-bodies. It's not something to take personally. Where possible, I try to give them the empathy that they almost certainly are needing. Sure, once in a while it touches my own pain-body, and then I get present with the feelings that are stirred up and use that energy for my own healing. Triggering each other is part of the planetary healing process of unwinding and integrating the ego.
Third, anything worth doing in this lifetime is worth doing in spite of the doubters, hacks, and naysayers. Do you think anyone who ever did anything worthwhile -- my favorite heroine is always the humble Rosa Parks, a simple seamstress who changed the entire history of this country -- did it while receiving wholehearted approval from everyone else? No. Approval-seeking leads to mediocrity and a life in the ego's tight grip. We all know that.
Anyway, I'll be back to writing at normal intervals when I feel like myself again. My Reiki healer predicts it'll be by tomorrow, but I'm not going to rush it.
When the Pain-Body Subsides
Last night, around 3 or 4 am, I did have this blissful clearing. It felt like my heart chakra opened again full force, and I felt so connected, so unbelievably connected to the sleeping world and to someone who is very dear to me. And then the vulnerability of it was a little too intense for me, and dark thoughts clouded back over the clearing again.
Still, I know that each time that clearing happens, I have regained a little piece of Heaven that will never again be lost to me. I look forward to the day when I no longer ever have periods like this, and I live in a constant state of openheartedness and bliss.
Until then, I'll keep on writing about every single way I find to give myself and all my readers a bit more happiness, trust, and joy in their lives.
Namaste.
- Erika
Many of you are familiar with Eckhart Tolle's work. He talks a lot about the pain-body. In A New Earth, he describes it this way:
The greater part of most people's thinking is involuntary, automatic, and repetitive. It is no more than a kind of mental static and fulfills no real purpose. ...
The voice in the head has a life of its own. Most people are at the mercy of that voice; they are possessed by thought, by the mind. And since the mind is conditioned by the past, you are then forced to reenact the past again and again. The Eastern term for this is karma. When you are identified with this voice, you don't know this, of course. If you knew it, you would no longer be possessed ...
The ego is not only the unobserved mind, the voice in the head which pretends to be you, but also the unobserved emotions that are the body's reaction to what the voice in the head is saying.
What is the Relationship between Intimacy and the Pain-Body?
Many people, as Tolle has written, experience the pain-body most intensely in intimate situations, because the closeness and vulnerability triggers pain from their family of origin and other early experiences.
I can tell when I'm in the grip of the pain-body because not only am I in pain, but my tone changes. I can hear a "strident" quality or judgmentalness or defensiveness that is not usually there, and of course that is just a reflexive cover-up for the pain that I'm feeling. It's a deeply programmed but not particularly helpful way of dealing with fear, hurt, anger, and other painful emotions.
Anyway, I haven't been writing much for the past week, and this is why: recently, a large piece of pain-body was stirred up for me. This is a fairly unusual event these days. Whereas I used to live in the constant grip of the pain-body, now these moments are (thankfully) quite rare. I give a lot of the credit to the practices that I talk about on this blog: compassionate communication (which brings awareness to our automatic, repetitive thoughts) and Emotional Freedom Technique (which has the power to break us out of karmic patterns).
The pain that was stirred up is deep, intense, and feels very much to be from the past and not from the present. Rather than continue reacting to it, though, as I was starting to do, I basically stopped everything. I stopped going out, stopped most of my activities, and have been spending much time in meditation and simply becoming present with the pain. I do this because one of our ego's favorite tricks for keeping the pain-body alive is to "cover it over" with busy-ness. The ego also loves to take out the pain on other people. Busy-ness and reaction of every kind will distract us for a bit but do not have the power to dissolve and transform the pain-body into the light.
And while we're on the subject of the pain-body ...
People ask me often how I am able to continue writing this blog and participating in forums in spite of all the criticism and naysayers. It's for a few reasons.
First, I feel called to write this blog by the highest and deepest forces within me. It is obvious to me that one of my primary purposes on this planet (my special function in salvation, if you will) is to express these teachings and experiences no matter what.
Second, when people criticize and insult, I know they are acting from their own pain-bodies. It's not something to take personally. Where possible, I try to give them the empathy that they almost certainly are needing. Sure, once in a while it touches my own pain-body, and then I get present with the feelings that are stirred up and use that energy for my own healing. Triggering each other is part of the planetary healing process of unwinding and integrating the ego.
Third, anything worth doing in this lifetime is worth doing in spite of the doubters, hacks, and naysayers. Do you think anyone who ever did anything worthwhile -- my favorite heroine is always the humble Rosa Parks, a simple seamstress who changed the entire history of this country -- did it while receiving wholehearted approval from everyone else? No. Approval-seeking leads to mediocrity and a life in the ego's tight grip. We all know that.
Anyway, I'll be back to writing at normal intervals when I feel like myself again. My Reiki healer predicts it'll be by tomorrow, but I'm not going to rush it.
When the Pain-Body Subsides
Last night, around 3 or 4 am, I did have this blissful clearing. It felt like my heart chakra opened again full force, and I felt so connected, so unbelievably connected to the sleeping world and to someone who is very dear to me. And then the vulnerability of it was a little too intense for me, and dark thoughts clouded back over the clearing again.
Still, I know that each time that clearing happens, I have regained a little piece of Heaven that will never again be lost to me. I look forward to the day when I no longer ever have periods like this, and I live in a constant state of openheartedness and bliss.
Until then, I'll keep on writing about every single way I find to give myself and all my readers a bit more happiness, trust, and joy in their lives.
Namaste.
- Erika
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